


Be My Prize

by monnibor



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Force Bonds, M/M, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Compliant, That's Not How The Force Works
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-16 07:24:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 86,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14159733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monnibor/pseuds/monnibor
Summary: Poe Dameron is forced to take a vacation and has to leave the Resistance base, and he is not exactly thrilled about it. He soon meets a stranger, who is the definition of "tall, dark, and handsome", and they are both fascinated with each other. The vacation is suddenly starting to seem less and less like a bore.However, things can only go downhill from here, when one of the interested parties is a Resistance pilot and the other hails the flag of the First Order.---The story starts before the events of The Force Awakens and continues past the the movie.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this story on and off for years and decided that it's finally time for it to see the light of day. 
> 
> I'm planning to update this every Saturday until I run out of my buffer, although I'll attempt to stick to the weekly schedule even after it.

Poe Dameron was stuck. 

On a paradise island. 

On a _vacation_.

Poe hadn’t had a proper vacation in years, which was ultimately the reason he was in this situation in the first place. He just hadn’t had the time, not with the First Order hanging around. He doubted that they had vacations either. 

Yesterday, he had been ambushed by General Organa in the hangar, where he had been doing some maintenance work for his X-wing, after a rookie had done a rough landing and collided with half a dozen X-wings in the process. To see the General in the hangar was highly unexpected since usually she was neck deep in her own work load. The conversation hadn’t been exactly pleasant:

“Commander Dameron, I have just been informed that you have over two months’ worth of vacation days. Tem from accounting just told me that he has been pestering you for months to use them.”

“I know. And I believed him! I just took a vacation last month to go visit Yavin 4.”

“Yes, for two days. Your labor union will have my hide if I keep you working without a proper break.”

“We have a labor union?” Poe asked but was starting to accept his defeat. How bad could it be? A week doing nothing. He could do that. 

“You don’t? Well in that ca-- No! You are going to use those vacation days. All of them.”

“What? I can’t do that! There is too much work to do to leave the base for that long!” 

“The base will survive without you for a few months. The First Order has been laying low so we should use this time well.”

“Doing absolutely nothing doesn’t sound like a time well spent,” mumbled Poe.

“Are you questioning my logic, Commander?” the General said with a steely voice. 

“No, General,” Poe sighed in defeat. “Fine, I’ll use those days, but I’m going to stay on the base.”

“Not going to happen.”

“What? Where am I supposed to go then? I’ll lose my mind if I spend the whole time with Dad on Yavin 4 and I can’t exactly afford going somewhere else if I have to stay in a hotel for weeks.”

“It’s your vacation; you’re allowed to do whatever you want with it. Except stay on the base. But, if you want, the Resistance has a deal with the planet Puulon: our staff is allowed to stay in their holiday houses for free, in exchange for protection against space pirates.”

“…. There are hardly any pirates on that side of the galaxy.”

“The Puulonese hardly need to know that,” the General said with a straight face. 

Poe considered his situation for a few moments. He would go absolutely mental if he spent the whole time with his dad. He was a nice man, but they tended to get on each other’s nerves after a while. He also didn’t have that many credits to go anywhere of his own choosing. He was therefore somewhat forced to go to Puulon. It wasn’t a bad place, really. Far from it, actually. It was a paradise planet, full of islands and beaches and other tourists. There could be worse destinations. “Fine, I’ll go there. I’ll just finish the repairs on the X-wings first and I’ll be gone in two weeks.”

“Wrong. You’ll be leaving tomorrow. Delegate the work to your squad. They’ll understand.”

“But…” Poe tried to protest, but the General had already turned to walk away.

“Have a nice holiday, Commander.”

***

And so here he was on Puulon. The island where the Resistance had their houses was rather remote, and there weren’t nearly as many tourists as he had expected. He had seen one elderly couple on the beach a good distance away from his cabin and that was it. He hoped there would be more people in the nearby small village or he would probably lose his ability to socialize normally before this vacation was over. 

His house wasn’t too far from the beach. It had been built on a slope and was surrounded by bushy trees that blocked most of the direct sunlight to spare the cabin from the worst heat. He was grateful for that since he didn’t even want to think about what it would be like to spend two months in a boiling-hot house without the possibility of escaping the heat. 

Poe made his way to the front step of his cabin and inspected the veranda. Despite the trees surrounding the house the view to the ocean was magnificent, and if Poe calculated correctly he would be able to see the sunset perfectly. Maybe he wouldn’t be completely miserable after all. 

The inside of his cabin, however, failed to provide him with any entertainment. It was average-sized, had a bedroom, kitchen, living room and a small bathroom, everything clean and in good condition but there wasn’t anything particularly exciting that would rescue him from the inevitable boredom. 

Well, he would try his luck and go lie on the beach. He was on a vacation! That’s what people do on a vacation. That means it should be fun, right?


	2. Chapter 2

He was bored. 

Absolutely, inescapably bored.

He had been lying on the beach for less than half an hour and felt like he was already losing it. There was no way he could stand this boredom for two whole months. He groaned miserably and sat up to look around to see if there was absolutely anything that could occupy his mind even for a few minutes.

There was nothing. 

The perfect white beach stretched for miles to both directions from where he was sitting, not even a single tourist in sight. Even the elderly couple he had seen earlier had vanished. It wasn’t a tourist season and it showed. He was aware that most people would be grateful for an opportunity to have a whole beach to themselves and not having to fight for the best sunbathing spots or guard your ice cream from runaway beach balls. But Poe was in his core a people person and didn’t like the fact that he could hear his own thoughts so clearly. 

Well, if the people didn’t come to him, he had to go to the people. If he could find any. Judging by the deserted beach, he doubted there would be many people in the area but he had to try. 

***

The search couldn’t be called a success. He had checked half a dozen restaurants and cafes but the people inside had mainly been the owners of their respective establishments and had looked like they would very much like to rid him of his credits by dubious means if given the chance. Apparently the lack of tourists was affecting them even worse than Poe.

He was almost about to give up and return to his cabin to wallow in self-pity when he noticed a somewhat decent looking bar with actual customers inside. Well, at least he could get a drink even if the other customers weren’t the sociable sort. Kriff, maybe he really should just drink himself stupid and hope he would wake up when this nightmare of a vacation was over. 

He headed to the bar and ordered a drink. While he waited the bartender to prepare it, he scanned the bar for other customers. Seated close to the counter, was an elderly couple who looked at each other all lovey-dovey and Poe had no interest to go disturb their date. He was almost certain that the two were the couple from the beach. A bit further away was a middle-aged man fast asleep on the table, with a pile of small glasses next to him. Small chance for a conversational partner then. 

The situation didn’t look too promising, but Poe still checked the other side of the bar. And that was when he spotted him: a tall, dark, and handsome stranger sitting in the farthest corner of the bar. The stranger’s expression was sullen and he looked like he would like to murder the drink in his hand, but Poe was in no position to be picky. 

He sauntered towards the man at a leisurely pace to not scare him off by desperately running to his table. Once he was close enough, he attempted the most casual approach he could muster. 

“Hey, seems like a slow night. Do you mind if I sit here?”

***

Kylo Ren wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing on Puulon other than being out of Hux’s way. The man had almost literally thrown Kylo out of a Star Destroyer after a small argument regarding some unexpectedly deceased stormtroopers who had had unexplainable scorch marks on their armor. Even his master, Snoke, had agreed that he needed some time to cool off before he was ready to advance in his training. 

And so he had been dumped here. Of course, they had provided him with lodging and enough credits to last a lifetime, but he lacked purpose. What was he supposed to do here? Sunbathe? He was pretty sure the great Sith of the past didn’t sunbathe. 

He had mainly spent his days in his cabin and wandering in the nearby woods, but occasionally he would come sit in this bar just for the change of scenery. He had been pretty sure no one would come bother him. He wasn’t very approachable.

And still. There he was. All smiles, with a drink in his hand, and without hesitation asking if he could sit with Kylo. The man must be deranged. 

Well, what did he have to lose? He could always dismember the guy if he proved to be trouble. 

“Do as you wish,” Kylo said with a shrug.

“Thanks, buddy. I thought I was the only tourist in town who’s not on the other side of retirement age. Oh, I’m Poe by the way,” the mystery man, apparently named Poe, said and offered Kylo his hand. 

Kylo had a small battle with himself if he should tell Poe his real name. He wasn’t that known outside the First Order, but he still decided to play it safe. 

“Ren,” Kylo said and shook Poe’s hand. The name was common enough. It wouldn’t reveal anything even if this tourist had somehow heard of Kylo Ren of the First Order. 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Ren.” Another dashing smile. “Have you been here long?”

“In Puulon? Just for a few days.”

“Still, you are more of an expert about this place than I am. Is there anything to do around here?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe if you want to relax away from other people and sunbathe until you turn into a mon calamari, the place is ideal,” Ren said and watched Poe shift uncomfortably in response to his dour explanation.

“I must admit, that doesn’t really sound like my thing. I’m not bothering you, am I? If you wanted to relax away from people, I could just go and stop bothering you. It’s no big deal,” Poe said, but he looked visibly disappointed by the idea of having to leave. 

And Kylo realized that he didn’t want him to go. He couldn’t quite explain it, but it was… nice. Sitting with him. The man seemed kind and full of energy. Both traits he was not used to seeing on a daily basis. And on top of that, he also had that beautiful smile that Kylo kind of wanted to see again. 

“No, no. Stay by all means. It’s been a pleasure talking with you,” Kylo hurried to say and attempted a smile of his own, though he was not certain he succeeded. It had been a while since he had last attempted that. 

“Really? Are you sure?”

Well, he had done something right. Poe was positively beaming.

“Yes. It’s nice to have someone to talk to occasionally.” And there his small talk skills ended. What now?


	3. Chapter 3

Luckily, Poe took the invitation to stay at the table as his que to take charge of the conversation, and so Kylo didn’t make a complete fool of himself with his lack of social finesse. Poe was telling him things about himself and occasionally asking Kylo to tell something in return. Kylo kept his answers brief but listened intently to what Poe was saying and attempted to commit every single thing to memory. He couldn’t quite explain this sudden fascination towards the man. If anyone else had been talking to him to this extent about such trivial things he would have most likely beheaded them at this point. 

But in Poe’s case he couldn’t wait to hear more. Poe was sharing parts of his life and Kylo wanted to remember every little detail: the places he had visited, the films he liked, the antics his coworkers got up to when left to their own devices. His voice was addicting and every time he licked his lips, Kylo felt a sudden twist in his stomach. He couldn’t be falling for this stranger, could he? They had met only minutes ago, and plus, he was Snoke’s apprentice. He couldn’t exactly go dating whoever he wanted, if he wished to continue in his grandfather’s footsteps. 

Except.

That’s exactly what his grandfather had done. He had married Padmé Amidala, Kylo’s grandmother, and had children with her, even though the Jedi didn’t allow such relationships. Kylo didn’t know much about his grandmother, mostly because his mother, Leia Organa, hadn’t known her either and so could never tell him much. Everything she knew, she had heard from her adoptive parents, who had respected senator Amidala greatly. Although, according to them, Amidala had essentially been the reason why Anakin had turned to the dark side and had become the powerful Sith Lord Darth Vader. Kylo didn’t know the details how that had happened, but she must have been a great mentor for his grandfather and guided him to the dark side with great skill to find his true path. He couldn’t like her more. Maybe she could have been a great Sith herself if she hadn’t died so young.

But if having a loved one had helped his grandfather become who he was, then it certainly wouldn’t hurt Kylo if the same were to happen to him. Thus, it would be no problem if he was suddenly going to develop feelings towards someone, and perhaps it would even be beneficial to his goals.

However, the obvious problem still existed: Kylo didn’t do small talk. Or any kind of friendly talk for that matter. Most conversations he had had recently were rants full of murderous intent or barking orders to the Knights of Ren, and that was not going to help his case here. He hoped that by listening to Poe talk, smiling occasionally (Force, that was hard) and looking interested would somehow enable Poe to read his thoughts. 

Now that he thought about it, maybe some Force trick could actually make it happen. 

Then again, using the Force would probably give away his identity faster than lightning, so he decided that using it was now forbidden until further notice.

Kylo glanced towards the clock hanging on the wall and realized to his horror that the bar was about to close soon. He would have to act quickly if he wanted to see the man again. Admittedly, the island was relatively small and he would probably run into Poe anyway, but he wasn’t feeling like taking chances. Oh Force. He would have to initiate a second meeting. What if Poe didn’t want to see him again? Which was probably very likely since Kylo had proven himself to be the worst conversationalist on this side of the galaxy. The barkeeper was already cleaning the tables. Maybe he should just let Poe go.

No! He wouldn’t do that! He had nothing to lose, and he would ask Poe to go out with him even if it was the last thing he did. 

Poe was already rising from his seat. 

“Shame that the bar closes so early. It’s barely midnight. Must be the lack of customers,” Poe said, maybe with a hint of disappointment in his voice. 

“We’re the only ones left. Can’t be very cost effective,” Kylo answered, also standing up.

“I guess. Well, if I had been drinking alone I probably would have emptied the whole bar and kept the place running all night. Thanks for keeping me company so I didn’t have to do that,” Poe said with a small smile and looked up at Kylo. Their height difference was surely something. Kylo had a sudden urge to pick the shorter man up and squeeze him. 

Now was not to the time to think about that! He had to act, and now was his chance!

“Uhh...” Good start, Kylo. Way to go. “Would you, uh, maybe want to grab some lunch tomorrow. I mean, together. If you want.” Smooth. He should just launch himself into space and never interact with another human being again.

Poe blinked a few times in surprise, and Kylo was sure that Poe was going to destroy his life by saying no. But then his face lit up like a sun and he nodded enthusiastically. 

“I’d love that! Did you have a place in mind?”

Kylo relaxed visibly. He hadn’t realized that he had gotten so tense waiting for the answer. 

“I was thinking about this small seafood place near the edge of the forest. Though, if you don’t like fish, we could go somewhere else.” 

“Nah, I don’t have problem with fish. Sounds really good actually. I think it’s even pretty close to my cabin. I think it’s called ‘Under the Sea’?”

“Yes, that’s the place.” Kylo was starting to get hang of this small talk business. “Is your cabin, by any chance, on that hill next to the restaurant?” 

“Yup, just a small climb though so it’s not that high up.” 

“I see, it seems that we’re almost neighbors then.” Kylo couldn’t believe his luck. “My cabin is on that same hill but closer to the top.”

“You’re kidding! That’s great! We can walk back together then,” Poe answered with visible enthusiasm. 

“Yeah.” And this time the smile rose to Kylo’s face all on its own without him having to consciously remind his facial muscles how to do the job.


	4. Chapter 4

Poe wasn’t entirely sure what he was feeling. The walk back to his cabin had been relatively short, but Ren seemed to have gotten more comfortable talking with him. He didn’t want this night to end yet, but at the same time he was hesitant to invite Ren to his cabin. It felt like if anything were to happen, things would be proceeding too fast, and he didn’t want to rush this _too_ much. 

And of course there was always the possibility of crushing disappointment if Ren decided to refuse his invitation. He should play it safe.

“Well, this is me. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Poe said leaning on the railing of his porch.

“Yeah. Uh, should I come get you about noonish? Now that I know where you live,” Ren said and shifted a bit on his feet.

“Sounds great. Can’t wait,” Poe said. He started to move towards the door slowly. Both of them were a bit reluctant about separating, but eventually Poe managed to get inside his cabin with a closed door between him and his newly developed crush. 

How had he even managed that? It must have been some sort of a record for him. But who could blame him. Judging from the conversation earlier, he was inarguably the classic strong and silent type. He was also ridiculously tall compared to Poe, and that height difference did things to him. And the hands! How he would love being caressed by them. Plus, you know what they say about big hands… 

Trying to get his mind of the gutter, Poe made his way towards the bedroom and hoped that he would be able to sleep despite all the butterflies that had decided to take up residence in his stomach. He felt like a teenager. 

***

Despite the butterflies, he had managed to fall asleep within a reasonable hour and therefore was up and about several hours before noon, when Ren was supposed to come pick him up. He ate breakfast and tried to think of something to do while waiting. He decided to take a look at his holopad to see if there were any Resistance-related messages for him only to find out that General Organa had banned him from all the networks and databases leaving him a message that only said: “No.”

Work was out of the question, then. He attempted to watch a holo-film, but he ended up glancing at the clock and keeping track of the passage of time. He couldn’t concentrate on the plot at all. 

At last, when Poe was about ready to crawl out of his skin, there was a knock on the door and Poe was out of his seat and at the door like a lightning bolt. He opened the door, and there was Ren on his front porch looking slightly flustered. 

“Finally!” Poe practically yelled and started to put his shoes on.

“Am I that late?” Ren said worriedly, and Poe felt like kicking himself. 

“No, no, no. I was just, ah… I-… I really wanted to see you,” Poe said and felt heat rushing to his cheeks. Great, now Ren would think he was an absolute dork, and would cancel the whole date. Lunch. Something. 

But it seemed that his fears were based on nothing. Ren just smiled and said: “I really wanted to see you too.” 

Poe’s face probably got even redder after hearing Ren’s words, but he decided that it didn’t matter and made his way out to the porch. They walked side by side and started their journey towards the restaurant.

***

The place was small, but not claustrophobically so. They decided to get a booth in the corner, away from other customers and with a view to the ocean. After ordering, the food came relatively quickly and Poe was starting to worry that the lunch would end in record time. Well, he’d better enjoy it while it lasted. He was just about to ask the other man something, when Ren beat him to it. 

“I think you said yesterday that you are a pilot. What kind of ships do you fly?” Ren asked and Poe was mildly surprised by the initiation of small-talk, but he definitely wasn’t complaining now that he had managed to make the guy open up a little. 

“I can fly anything,” Poe deadpanned but quickly started explaining himself after Ren gave him a raised eyebrow and a quizzical look. “I mean, I need to fly all sorts of ships in my line of work, and they all have many common features so _technically_ I would be able to fly pretty much anything.”

“I see. Then who do you work for since you have to fly such a diverse array of ships?” 

Poe shifted uncomfortably on his seat. 

“I’m sorry, but I really can’t tell you. My employer is kind of secretive. Sorry.” Poe was worried that Ren would think that he was some kind of a criminal or something equally sleazy because of the secrecy. He couldn’t exactly blurt out to just anyone that he was with the Resistance, no matter how nice they appeared. He wasn’t on a recruiting mission after all. “How about you?”

“It seems that we’re in the same boat. I can’t tell you anything about my work either,” Ren said and chuckled a bit. Poe suppressed a sigh of relief. Ren would understand why he couldn’t tell him everything. Though he wondered what Ren did for a living then. Now, wouldn’t it be something, if he was actually from a different Resistance branch and they would just never know.

“Well, at least we both understand why we can’t tell everything to each other since the secrecy is mutual.”

“There is that. I do hope we will get along well despite this.”

“No doubt about it,” Poe answered, smiling. He would get along with Ren even if he suddenly grew tentacles out of his ears, Poe was sure. 

The rest of the meal passed in a comfortable silence, but which was occasionally interrupted by a few words about the food or the birds that were looking for food outside the restaurant. Poe found himself thinking that this was probably the most relaxed he had been since joining the resistance. Maybe he really had been in need of a vacation after all. Although, he really needed to thank Ren for that, because without him he would have driven himself out of his mind already on the first day. Now, he just had to figure out how he could spend more time with him. Then the mother of all ideas struck him. 

“I was thinking about going swimming today. Want to come?” Although, to be quite honest, he had not paid a single thought towards swimming since arriving on the planet, but now the thought appealed to him immensely. He’d be seeing Ren in nothing but swim wear, and he would discover all the secrets he hid under all those layers of black clothing if he chose to come. Then again, it could also be his doom, since he was not quite sure his poor heart would be able to handle the sight. 

“I’m afraid I don’t have anything suitable to wear. I wasn’t exactly planning on swimming when I came here,” Ren said apologetically. Curses. He would have to go alone now. Unless…

“We could always go buy you some swimming trunks. I’m sure there is a store somewhere that sells that kind of stuff.” A shopping trip. Even more time he could spend with Ren.

“I- I don’t know. I’m not much of a swimmer.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to go, but we don’t have to actually swim. We can just mess around in the water,” Poe said but was slowly starting to lose hope. Maybe this hadn’t been the best of plans after all. 

Ren was sitting quietly like he was thinking something, and Poe was about to suggest doing something else when Ren said: “Okay. It’s been a while, but maybe it’ll be fun.”

Poe was ready to explode from happiness but managed to mostly conceal it. 

“Right! Should we go then?”


	5. Chapter 5

As Poe had guessed, they found a suitable store for acquiring the needed swimming gear and after purchasing the shorts (black, of course) they headed to Poe’s cabin to get the other things they needed. Poe packed towels for both of them as well as sunscreen and some snacks, and they both changed into their swimming shorts to avoid public nudity in case there weren’t any changing booths nearby on the beach. Kylo had to admit that he was witnessing quite a view, but he at least tried to appear unaffected. He hoped his nether regions had received the memo as well. He quickly looked away. Poe would surely think that he was a total creep if he saw him looking. 

They made their way to the beach and selected a spot that would be close to shade if the direct sunlight became too unbearable. Poe took the sunscreen from the bag and now waved it in front of Kylo’s face. 

“You’re definitely going to need this unless you really want to turn into a mon calamari,” Poe said with a glint of humor in his eyes. 

Kylo rolled his eyes and took the offered bottle and started applying the lotion everywhere he could reach. He didn’t think his body had seen any sunlight after his Jedi training, and it was showing. Without the sunscreen his pale skin would burn in no time, which would be a less than attractive sight. 

He had managed to cover almost everything, but was now faced with a dilemma. He couldn’t effectively reach his back. Sure, he could touch it everywhere, but trying to apply sunscreen seemed to be a somewhat impossible task. Poe seemed to notice his problem and offered to do the task for him. Kylo was about to refuse, not used to letting someone behind his back let alone touch him. However, he couldn’t really imagine Poe stabbing him in the back and silently accepted the offer.

“It’s no big deal. Give me the bottle,” Poe said. He started from the upper back and went down using slow round motions. His movements were gentle but firm and Kylo closed his eyes to revel in the sensation of warm hands moving along his back. It had been a while since anyone had touched him like this. Or at all. He was used to his own company in the First Order, since very few people spent time with him voluntarily in fear of being chopped to pieces. But he certainly could get used to this. 

“Hope you aren’t ticklish,” Poe said as he reached his sides. 

“No fear of that,” Kylo answered and there truly wasn’t any sign that Poe’s firm grip could cause any ticklish feelings. Or any feelings of discomfort at all for that matter. 

Other than it being over too soon. Even though Poe had probably taken more time than was probably necessarily needed for the task, it still felt like it had only been a few precious seconds, and Kylo was yearning for more. 

“Do you need help with your back?” Kylo asked and tried not to sound too eager. Though he was sure he had failed miserably.

“Nah, I don’t burn that easily. I’ll just do my nose and shoulders and then we’re ready to go.” 

Kylo must have looked crestfallen, since Poe quickly backtracked: “Then again, another pair of hands could do a more thorough job.”

Poe offered the bottle back to Kylo and sat with his back towards him. Kylo took his time massaging the lotion to Poe’s shoulders and the back of his neck while silently admiring the way his head was slightly bent to allow easier access. His mind was burning to just continue the motion of his hand from Poe’s neck to his hair, just to know what it felt like, but he restrained himself just in time. He massaged the lotion carefully to Poe’s shoulders, but there’s a time limit on how thoroughly you can massage a buddy’s shoulders before it gets weird. As always, all good things come to an end. 

“I think you’re good,” Kylo said and moved away from Poe. 

“Thanks, buddy. So how about it? Ready to try the whole swimming business?” Poe said and stood up, ready to go. 

“I guess it’s too late to bail out now,” Kylo answered and attempted a smile again. For some reason, it was getting easier every time he did it. Definitely Poe’s fault. 

They walked to the water’s edge and looked at the small waves that washed up on the shore. One wave reached a bit further and touched their toes. Kylo was, on second thought, ready to bail. The water was cold. 

“Oh wow, it’s super warm!” Poe exclaimed and took a few steps deeper into the water. “Come on, Ren!”

The man must have lost the sensation on his legs due to the cold, poor guy, Kylo thought, but braced himself and took a few steps further himself. Yup, still cold. But maybe not as bad as he thought it would be. But there was no way he would be actually swimming in this big pool of ice water. Maybe he could just wade in the shallower waters and wait until Poe got bored with the ocean. Oh god, he was already swimming in the distance. That confirms it, the guy is a total madman. No denying it. 

“Come on! You’ll get used to it once you dip yourself completely in the water!” Poe shouted while swimming back towards Kylo. He must have seen him shivering in the shallow water. “The sooner you do it the sooner it stops feeling cold!”

Kylo eyed the water suspiciously. There was no way that could be true, but he took a few steps deeper nonetheless. And then he started running. Once the water was up to his waist, he dived and stayed underwater for a couple of seconds. When he resurfaced, he was spluttering and gasping for breath. 

“It’s still not warm, you liar!” Kylo shouted to Poe, who had reached him at this point. 

“Well no, but it’s not cold either, right?” Poe said laughing, and true enough, Kylo wasn’t freezing like he was before. The water was almost pleasantly cool.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Kylo said and swam a small distance experimentally. Apparently, you didn’t forget swimming even if you hadn’t done it in years. He swam back and forth for a while and realized that swimming was surprisingly relaxing. He turned on his back and floated on the surface of the water. There were seabirds flying high above him and the hum of water filled his ears. He closed his eyes and felt the sun and the light breeze on his skin. He hadn’t felt peace like this in ages. He wouldn’t mind if this lasted forever. 

And then Poe splashed him with water. He stumbled back to an upright position and glared at Poe who was looking at him sheepishly. How dare anyone disturb his peace? This meant war.

Kylo joined his hands together and brought them to the surface of the water. Using both of his hands, he splashed the water in a wide arc to Poe’s general direction drenching him completely. 

“That’s not fair! Your hands are way bigger!” Poe yelled laughing and attempted to imitate Kylo’s wave but only succeeded in creating a considerably smaller splash of water. Realizing that he would lose the battle on the surface, Poe dived underwater and Kylo lost him from his view. Three seconds later he realized that someone was grabbing his legs and disturbing his balance. With a final yank from the attacker Kylo fell backwards and straight into the water. 

Once he returned to the surface, he saw Poe cackling at him, but he was about to make sure that it would stop very soon. He launched towards Poe and the laughter died on his lips as he saw the menacing figure rapidly approaching. He turned to run away but Kylo was faster and grabbed him. He hoisted him up bridal style and with all his physical strength, threw Poe to the water. 

A second later he regretted his actions. Maybe he had gone too far. Poe would hate him for sure for tossing him into the water like that. 

And then Poe resurfaced and laughed like he was having the time of his life. 

“That was amazing! Do that again!” Poe said and came back towards Kylo. “Or, no, wait, make a platform of your hands and I’ll use it as a springboard.” Poe guided Kylo to cross his hands and then put his foot on the platform, while grabbing Kylo’s shoulders for additional support. Kylo felt that he would soon combust from the unexpected proximity. He had a direct view to Poe’s neck and his well-toned chest and he was quite certain that he had never seen anything so appetizing. The sudden desire to kiss any visible surface on Poe’s skin was strong but soon abrupted when Poe told him to throw him on the count of three. 

When Poe got to three, Kylo rose from his slight crouching position and gave Poe a boost so that he could jump higher above the water. Poe splayed his arms wide and laughed again, and Kylo decided that he could keep doing this the whole day, if it meant that he would be seeing Poe so happy and hearing that laughter. Poe soon came back after making a huge splash to the water’s surface and was now offering to assist Kylo in the jump. 

“Come on it’ll be fun! It’s like flying!” Poe said and was already positioning himself so that Kylo could jump next. Kylo wasn’t really a fan of flying and he greatly preferred to keep his feet on the ground and avoid any additional acrobatics. 

“There’s a reason that you’re a pilot and I’m not. I’ll pass on this one but I’m more than happy to assist you jump. Come on now,” Kylo said and made a platform out of his hands again. 

“Are you sure? You’re missing out, you know? It’s an amazing feeling flying without an aircraft. Not that there is anything wrong with aircrafts, but being in the air without one, even if it’s only a fraction of a second, is just beyond great,” Poe said. 

“Like I said, you’re the pilot here,” Kylo said and chuckled a bit, amused by Poe’s passionate account. 

“Well, fine! But you must tell me if you want a turn.”

“I will, I will. Now get back here and spread those wings.”

Kylo assisted Poe’s jumps a few more times and each time Poe flew a little higher, occasionally performing a somersault before landing in the water. The higher he got the more excited he seemed to become and Kylo was eager to please. He had promised himself not to use any force tricks on Poe but maybe he could make an exception just this once. He concentrated so that he wouldn’t use too much force and was able to boost Poe’s jump a tiny bit more than was possible with just regular human strength. 

It had the desired effect. Poe was amazed. 

“Wow, Ren! Did you see how high I got? Your technique is something else,” Poe exclaimed. 

“Maybe I’m just tall,” Kylo said but was secretly pleased that his tiny force trick had made Poe so happy. 

“Yeah, could be. Again!”


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the day went along the same pattern. Goofing off in the water, occasional swimming, sunbathing on the beach and eating their snacks. 

Around dinnertime, when they were lying on the beach, Poe announced that he was hungry. 

“You can eat snacks only for so long. Do you want to go eat dinner somewhere? There’s a row of restaurants right over there,” Poe said and pointed towards a group of small buildings that were visible from their spot. 

“Yes, I’m hungry too, but will they let us in like this, is another question. I mean, we’re wearing swimming shorts,” Kylo said and gestured towards his pants. 

“There are so few tourists here that they would let us in no matter what we wore. Or didn’t wear. I bet they’re desperate. But maybe we can just toss some t-shirts on to be decent. I mean, we’re basically wearing shorts, it’s like the most commonly worn item here. I don’t think that there’s that much of a difference even if we have been swimming in them. Unless they hadn’t dried yet. Then we’d leave the seats wet and would probably be banned for life for ruining their plush seats,” Poe said and realized he was rambling. Ren always summoned the lovesick teenager in him. Time to move on. “Well, mine are dry. Yours?”

“Dry as well. Though there is sand everywhere. Irritating,” Kylo answered. 

“That’s beach for you,” Poe laughed. “Let’s go.”

***

They found a small restaurant, which had tables outside and a pleasant atmosphere. They ate in silence and idly observed the sun that was starting to set in the horizon. 

Poe’s eyelids were starting to feel heavy after the active day in fresh air. He would probably pass out after finishing his dinner. Whether he would be able to reach his cabin before that, was another story. 

Ren could most likely sense his weariness as well.

“Are you okay? You look a little tired,” he asked.

“Yeah, I am. I haven’t had that much fun in ages. Must have worn me out,” Poe said and gave Ren a tired smile. 

“Me neither,” Ren nodded, and Poe could see the tiniest smile and a slight blush on his face. Or maybe he had burnt in the sun after all despite the sunscreen. Poe really wanted to see Ren again tomorrow.

Especially after what he had seen today, oh boy. Of course, Poe had noticed that Ren was no small man, but he still hadn’t expected what he would find below all those layers of clothing. The man had a magnificent body. Somehow, he managed to make himself look much slimmer when fully dressed. But when Poe first saw him without the black fabric armor, he had had to stifle a gasp. Ren was shredded. Which would explain how he was so good at making Poe fly in the air earlier. 

“I was planning on cooking dinner myself tomorrow. Do you maybe want to join me?” Please, say yes. Please, say yes, Poe thought. 

“Sounds great. What did you have in mind?” Ren looked pleasantly surprised by Poe’s invitation. Mission success.

“Actually, I haven’t decided yet. I’m going to check what the local stores have to offer tomorrow and decide then,” Poe said. 

“Then it’s a surprise for the both of us. Should I bring something?”

“If you can find a decent bottle of wine somewhere that would be great. But I’ll handle the rest.”

“Consider it done. I already have a potential store in mind.”

“Great! I’ll cook something that will make your taste buds weep of joy.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Ren said with an amused smile on his face. Poe just hoped that he could live up to the expectations.

***

Kylo was in trouble.

Since Poe hadn’t specified what he would making for dinner, Kylo had now no idea what kind of wine he should be bringing. If he bought red wine, then Poe was surely going to make something that wouldn’t go with it at all. He had once tried to combine fish and red wine thinking that the wine recommendations were just snobbish nonsense, but he had been wrong. So wrong. The metallic taste had lingered in his mouth the whole day. Way to ruin an evening. So maybe white wine? It couldn’t go that horribly wrong, right? But he wanted to make this dinner perfect on his part, as he was sure Poe was going to do on his. So, the wine had to be perfect. But how do you choose a wine for a dish you don’t know even exists yet? And what if there was more than just one dish? What if there was dessert? 

Kylo had been standing in front of the wine shelf long enough to grab the clerk’s attention. She asked if she could help him in any way, and for once in his life Kylo thought, why not. It was their job to know these things. Maybe they had some kind of a magical super wine that would suit any dish. He presented his problem to the clerk.

She seemed to ponder the question for a while, and then suggested that maybe he could buy more than just one bottle. 

“There’s no such thing as too much wine,” she said with a wink. If Kylo had been thinking clearly then he would have noticed that it was clearly a sales tactic, but he was too preoccupied thinking all the potential disasters that a wrong type of wine could cause. 

So, he did the only reasonable thing that he could.

And bought four bottles.


	7. Chapter 7

Poe had been doing preparations for the meal the whole day. First, he had gone to survey what kind of supplies the stores in the area had and had discovered that they actually held quite a large variety of foods from different planets. Most likely for the reason that the tourists would feel more like home and stay longer, but Poe wasn’t complaining. He would be glad to stick to something familiar and not try anything drastically different with the potential of failure when there was a guest coming. A very special guest, at that. After the inspection, he had chosen what he was going to cook and bought the proper ingredients for the purpose. And finally, he had lugged them to his cabin and nearly passed out under their weight. Maybe he had exaggerated a bit. He wasn’t supplying a whole bunker in the case that the world might end, after all, but still, it was better to buy too much than too little. 

Right after he had arrived at his cabin, he had started the actual cooking. He had decided to deal with the dessert first, since it could wait a couple of hours in the refrigerator before serving. He didn’t have a name for the dish, but it was basically just cookie crumbs, white chocolate mousse and berries in a glass. Easy as pie (well, easier than pie, to be honest), but it worked every time, and he had the glasses in the fridge in no time. The main dish would be based on an age-old family recipe, which consisted mostly of ingredients from Yavin IV, including a native bird and vegetables, which were quite rare in other parts of space. He had been pleasantly surprised to find them on his shopping trip. Apparently, a lot of people from his home planet visited this place, then. The recipe was simple enough, and he was done relatively quickly with the active preparation part of it and putting the dish in the oven, but the cooking time was long. He would use that time to make his cabin more presentable and to prepare the starter, which would be grilled bread with tomato topping. Had he asked Ren if he had any allergies? Well, if he had, he definitely couldn’t remember anymore. He just had to hope that he didn’t end up accidentally killing the man with his cooking. Top ways to spoil any dinner date.

He had bought flowers from a street vendor on a whim on his way home (even if the additional weight had nearly ended him), and so he put them in a vase he had found in one of the cupboards. Maybe he was exaggerating with the flowers. This wasn’t a date after all. Or was it? They hadn’t talked about it being a date, but the attraction was certainly there. At least on Poe’s part. And he would have bet his X-wing that Ren felt something also, judging from the blushing the other night. Or maybe he had just burnt in the sun after all. But Poe was still fairly certain that Ren enjoyed his company. 

Poe had also bought candles, but maybe putting them on the table was overkill. Because maybe it wasn’t going to be a date after all. And to be quite honest, it wouldn’t even be properly dark when they were supposed to eat. He would save them for later. He just hoped there would be a “later”.

He made the topping for the starter and after finishing it, he suddenly had free time on his hands since it would still be a while before Ren arrived. Poe plopped on the couch and decided to just chill for a bit. Though he had a nagging feeling that he had forgotten to do something important. But what could it be? He would grill the bread after Ren got there, and the main dish was still cooking. Even the cabin was looking quite nice, with the flowers and all. Poe got up and still attempted to organize some of the things on the shelves and counters, even if they were already perfectly in place. The cabin wasn’t even his own, why was he worrying about such things? 

He returned to the couch, determined not to worry about anything. He had done everything that he could, and all he had to do now was wait for Ren to arrive. 

The busy day had taken its toll, and Poe could feel his eyelids getting heavy as he slid lower on the couch. Maybe he could take a short nap. 

He was asleep in seconds.

***

After a not-so-short nap he woke up with a jolt. He had just remembered what he had forgotten. Yes, he had prepared the food and made the house look nice, but what about himself! He hadn’t showered yet even though he had been sweating like crazy carrying the groceries and spending the day in the kitchen. And he hadn’t even chosen what he would wear. He glanced at the clock and realized that Ren would be here any minute now. 

He ran to the shower while throwing away his clothes haphazardly. He washed himself in record-time and thanked the Force that Ren hadn’t decided to knock on the door when he had soap in his eyes. Hopefully he would give him time to put on some clothes too. 

He had managed to put on some pants and was in the middle of buttoning his shirt when he heard the knocking. Quick! Finish buttoning the shirt or put on some socks? The socks. He would have time for the buttons on his way to the door. He put on the socks while jumping one-legged and made his way to the door. He could only hope that the buttons were in their respective holes, even if he had had no time to button them all, when he finally opened the door and saw Ren waiting behind it.

He looked good. Very good. His black hair framed his face majestically, and he was dressed in all black (no surprise there) with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. How did he know Poe was weak for such a look? Poe himself, on the other hand, must have been a different story. His shirt was half open and his hair still wet, with nothing done to it to make it look more decent. Way to make an impression. At least his fly was closed. Then he remembered the clothes he had thrown everywhere on his way to the shower. Kriff, hopefully he could kick them out of sight at some point. 

***

The view that greeted Kylo when the door was opened, nearly swept him off his feet. Poe had clearly just showered (the mental image of that was highly distracting in itself). There were water droplets trickling down his neck, his wild towel-dry hair going in all directions and his shirt was open, giving Kylo a glimpse of the man’s chest. The intoxicating sight was short-lived though, as Poe was already buttoning the shirt closed while apologizing for his indecency and inviting him in. 

Kylo managed to cease his staring when the scent of food reached him. Based on the aroma alone the food would be extraordinary, and he couldn’t wait to eat it, which he also told Poe. 

Poe seemed happy to hear it and he scratched his head bashedly. He told Ren to make himself at home and escorted him to the living area, where the beautifully set table was waiting.

“The food will be ready in a minute. I just need to do some final preparations. Take a seat and… Did you bring the…”

Kylo lifted the bag he had been holding, and the bottles clinked against each other tellingly. 

“I didn’t know what you’d be making so I bought several. Hopefully one of them will do the job,” Ren said and offered the bag to Poe, who chuckled a bit as he started inspecting the contents.

“This will do,” Poe said, taking one of the bottles. “We can either save the rest for some other time or optionally get super drunk tonight.” 

Three bottles left. Three more dinners with Poe. The saving option was undoubtedly better. 

“I’d really like to avoid a wine-induced headache in the morning,” Ren said, and Poe laughed.

“Yeah, had a few of those myself. The worst,” Poe said and poured some wine into two glasses. Then, he went to the kitchen to do his magic, and Kylo was left to sit in the living room with a wine glass in his hand and a thousand thoughts in his mind. 

Should he really do this? Get involved with someone. What would he do when they eventually had to go their separate ways? He couldn’t just take Poe to the First Order, introduce him to Snoke and live happily ever after. Or could he? He doubted he would come voluntarily, and Kylo couldn’t reveal his identity until he was sure of the man’s loyalty. Maybe eventually. 

That is, if things proceeded into the direction he desired, in the first place. He still wasn’t quite sure how Poe felt about him. They had been nearly inseparable since they met, but maybe Poe just didn’t like to spend time alone and tolerated Kylo’s company for that reason alone. And there was no way for Kylo to know which was the case without resorting to force usage. Which would probably alarm Poe unnecessarily much, give away his identity and everything would be ruined. He would have to find out the old-fashioned way. 

If he only knew how.


	8. Chapter 8

Poe had finished preparing the starter and carried it to the dining table. 

“The food is served. Come, have a seat,” Poe announced theatrically and pulled out a chair for Ren. 

Ren took the offered seat and they started eating. The conversation revolved around the food at first, with Ren praising it earnestly, which raised a happy little feeling in Poe’s chest and made his cheeks feel warm. But soon they drifted to other topics and they talked about all the different things that crossed their minds. The dinner proceeded slowly, the lively conversation distracting them from the food.

Poe was really enjoying the evening. He hadn’t had this much fun in a while. Every occasion he got to spend time with Ren seemed to be better than the last. Ren had a great sense of humor once he opened up, and he had made Poe laugh so many times he had lost count. 

They had finished eating while the sun had already begun to set. They still had enough wine for one glass each and they decided to enjoy it on the porch. There was a two-seat outdoor couch and a small table outside and they would have a great view of the sun as it sank below the horizon. The sun was already quite low, so it would probably get dark soon, and since the porch didn’t have a lamp, Poe decided to get the candles he had dismissed earlier and set them on the table. They sat comfortably next to each other and continued their conversation, although it had dwindled in intensity. The wine and the easy conversation had relaxed them both.

The sun slowly hid behind the horizon and left a dim glow, being the only light source along with the candles. The conversation had stilled, and the two men sat in a comfortable silence. Poe watched how the light from the flickering flames danced on the planes of Ren’s face, and felt drunk on the sight alone. The half a bottle of wine had nothing to do with the feeling. Ren turned towards him with a relaxed look on his face and smiled lightly to Poe. Poe put his glass down and gently leaned towards the other man. The smile dropped from Ren’s face and a more serious expression took its place. Maybe this was a mistake, Poe thought. Maybe he had read this all wrong. But then to his delight, he realized that Ren was also leaning towards him and Poe threw his reservations to the wind. Their lips met halfway, and it was the sweetest kiss Poe remembered ever sharing. He gently cupped Ren’s face with his hands the same time he felt Ren’s hands go hesitantly to his hips and pull him slightly closer.

After a while they pulled away and Poe lowered his hands to Ren’s shoulders. They looked at each other as if to say something, to confirm that this was real. But then they both saw the expression in the other’s eyes and all their doubts and worries about the other person’s feelings were history. They went in for a new kiss with much more vigor and nearly clinked their teeth together. Poe ran his other hand through Ren’s hair and tried to pull him even closer while Ren’s broad hands roamed his back and the back of his neck. Poe had dreamed of those hands, but now that he was truly experiencing them, they exceeded any expectations. 

They were both panting slightly to the kiss, but neither of them thought of stopping. Ren’s hands found their way under Poe’s shirt and explored the new territory. Poe’s skin prickled from the direct contact. After a while, Ren broke the kiss and attacked Poe’s neck with his lips and teeth, and Poe was powerless to do much else than clutch Ren’s back, the sensation overwhelming him.

“You’re gorgeous,” Ren said between bites and kisses. He pushed Poe against the armrest and lifted his shirt up more while still paying attention to his neck. “I want you,” he murmured below his ear.

Those words destroyed the last remnants of Poe’s restraint. “Then you can have me,” he answered in a hushed tone. 

Ren lifted his head to look straight into Poe who nodded in confirmation. Ren dived in for another kiss, which was somehow even more intense than the previous ones. He started opening the buttons of Poe’s shirt while Poe was trying to figure out how to get rid of Ren’s clothes without breaking the kiss. Who needed this many layers of fabric and a dozen different clasps?

“Bedroom?” Poe huffed after they finally made a break for air. 

“Yes,” Ren answered, pulling Poe up with him. Poe still had some sense in him so that he remembered to blow out the candles, but after that, all the higher functions of his brain were gone. There were just lips, hands, and desperate grinding against each other as they stumbled indoors and towards the bedroom. 

This was going way too fast, but he didn’t care. He just didn’t care.

They were grasping at each other’s clothes in frustration but managed to get rid of them one by one scattering them all over the cabin, marking their path. 

Once they reached the bedroom, they had succeeded in removing every single article of clothing, but that didn’t cease their desperation. They fell onto the bed together trying to touch the other everywhere they could reach, Ren landing on top of Poe. He grabbed Poe and pulled him further up on the bed. 

Poe certainly didn’t mind the manhandling. He loved how those big hands and strong arms could move him around so easily. He didn’t have much time to think about that though, since Ren grinded down on him and made him see stars. Then he attacked his neck once again while his hands began to travel lower and lower. The hot breath on his neck caused Poe to give a soft grunt, and he grabbed the back of Ren’s head, while the other clutched his shoulder. 

Ren’s hand had found its way to his member and started stroking, making Poe’s back arch from the bed slightly and moan in pleasure.

“You sound so wonderful,” Ren said and then attacked Poe’s nipples with his mouth, which elicited another sound from Poe. The stimulation only made him want more. He wrapped his legs around Ren and pulled him closer. He lifted Ren’s face upward to kiss him once again and grinded up to him while spreading his legs.

Ren took the hint and slowly moved his fingers from Poe’s cock to gently caress his entrance. 

“Do we have any…” 

Before Ren could finish his question, Poe was already rummaging the drawer of the bedside table with his other hand and pulled out a bottle of lube. Ren took the offered bottle and poured some of the contents on his fingers. He positioned them to Poe’s entrance, gently massaging the tight muscle while giving him a questioning look, asking for permission. 

“Just do it,” Poe breathed and rocked his hips a bit in affirmation. 

Ren gave him a quick kiss and started pushing one finger inside against the slightly resisting muscle. Of course, Poe had seen that Ren had big hands but now he could also feel them and the thickness of his fingers, which were undoubtedly bigger than his own. The stretch felt wonderful and he pushed against Ren’s hand to speed things up a bit. 

“Well, aren’t you impatient,” Ren chuckled but started to still move his finger back and forth, his patience clearly at its limit as well. Soon, he added a second finger, and Poe bit his knuckles to restrain yet another moan that would have surely left his lips. 

“Please don’t do that,” Ren said softly and used his other hand to restrain Poe’s hand on the bed. “I want to hear every single lovely sound you make.”

Poe’s face felt hot. Ren’s words and the fingers inside him that kept spreading him had made him so hard it was bordering on painful. He rocked his hips on Ren’s slowly thrusting fingers when they finally found their mark. Poe threw his head back and groaned. 

“Please, just put it in. It’ll fit,” Poe panted desperately. 

“I don’t want to hurt you. Just bear with me for a bit,” Ren said and then gave him a quick gentle kiss while positioning a third finger to Poe’s entrance. 

Poe let out a noise of frustration, but let Ren continue his administrations. When Ren finally pushed the third finger inside of him, he was feeling amazingly full, but it still wasn’t enough. Poe pushed himself on his fingers trying to get them deeper. 

“Please, Ren. I’m ready,” Poe huffed and dragged Ren in for a deep kiss. He tried to convey all his feelings through the kiss. The lust. How much he desired to feel Ren inside him. How he needed him. It seemed to work.

“Okay,” Ren answered after the kiss, urgency in his voice. He pulled his fingers out of Poe, who gasped a bit at the loss. He poured some more lube on his fingers and spread it on his dick. Poe held his breath as he watched Ren position himself at his entrance and start pushing in slowly.

Now Poe was glad that Ren had insisted on using three fingers. The man was huge. Of course, he had seen it already so it wasn’t exactly a surprise, but still, feeling it spreading him and moving deeper into him nearly took Poe’s breath away.

“You must tell me if I’m hurting you,” Ren said and stopped when he was about halfway after Poe gasped and bit his lower lip. 

“Don’t you dare to stop. You feel so good,” Poe said raggedly and clung to Ren’s shoulders while using his legs to urge him to move deeper. 

Ren didn’t stop again until he was fully in.

“Wow. You’re definitely big,” Poe panted and gave a small laugh. Ren’s fingers had been nothing compared to the length that was now seated deep inside of him.

“Will you be alright?” Ren asked, concern in his voice. 

“More than alright,” Poe said and kissed Ren yet again. “Now, fuck me.”

He didn’t have to ask twice. Ren pulled out slightly and then snapped his hips forwards. Poe gasped audibly. Ren picked up pace steadily, and Poe moved his hips in time of his thrusts. They moved in unison, their movements becoming more and more frantic, the desperation that had been simmering under the surface for a while now back in full force.

Ren changed the angle and pushed Poe’s legs towards his torso, which gave him more leverage and allowed him to pound even deeper into Poe. He was now hitting Poe’s prostate with every thrust, which resulted in a strangled cry from Poe, who gripped the sheets to have something to hold on to.

“You’re so beautiful like this, Poe. You should see yourself, taking my cock so perfectly,” Ren panted, clearly at his limit. “Touch yourself. I want to see you come while you’re spread around my dick.”

Poe moaned in response and started stroking himself. He wouldn’t last long anymore with Ren attacking his sweet spot on every single brutal thrust. 

“Ren, I’m gonna-“ Poe never got to finish his sentence, because in that moment, Ren rammed so deep inside him that he only managed an incoherent yell of pleasure. In seconds, he was coming in long spurts on his stomach, while clenching uncontrollably on Ren’s dick. 

The sight before him and the added sensation finally pushed Ren over the edge as well, and with a few erratic thrusts, he released his seed deep inside Poe. He collapsed on top of him, panting, not caring that Poe’s stomach was covered in cum. They lay on the bed trying to catch their breath, both completely spent.

“Wow,” was the only thing that Poe’s clouded brain managed to produce after regaining his breath.

“Yeah,” Ren answered in much the same manner.


	9. Chapter 9

The days after followed the same pattern. Poe and Ren would go swimming or shopping or just spend time together in either of their cabins and make love on every visible surface that wouldn’t break under their combined weight (though they had managed to destroy two glass photo frames after Poe had pushed Ren against the wall in the throes of passion, which had caused the frames to drop on the floor). They couldn’t keep their hands off each other now that they were sure that both were interested. The only part of either cabin that hadn’t seen any serious action was probably the porch unless you counted the fierce make out session of the first evening. And several evenings after that.

Kylo loved every moment he spent with Poe. The man was passionate and caring and he made Kylo feel the happiest he had ever been. 

The only problem was that it was bound to end someday. 

Kylo had no idea when someone from the First Order would come pick him up (or if Hux had any say in the matter they wouldn't come get him at all). Thankfully, Poe still had several weeks of his vacation left, but still, Kylo could only think how soon this was going to end. Maybe he should just stop worrying and try to enjoy the time they had to the fullest.

It was hard.

After one intense love-making session, they had ended up exhausted on the living room floor, the rays of the late afternoon sun dancing on Poe’s naked body. Kylo had never seen something so beautiful, and he could feel tears stinging his eyes just from the mere sight.

Poe must have seen the admiration in his eyes, as he smiled gently to Ren and asked: “Like what you see?” 

“More than you can imagine,” Ren answered in a husky tone and ran the tips of his fingers lightly along the strands of Poe’s hair. Everything about Poe was perfect. Not just the looks, but the energy and kindness he emitted whenever he was around, which made Kylo fall even more deeply for him. Maybe he should tell him that. But what if this was only about sex for Poe? The original insecurity about Poe just spending time with him to avoid boredom rose again. His heart wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection. 

But he also couldn’t bear not saying it. The words wanted to come out. 

He shuffled a little closer and took Poe’s hand in his own. They lay there for a while, Poe clearly sensing that Kylo had something to say. Finally, Kylo lifted his gaze to look Poe in the eyes. The look in them was so warm that the words left his tongue involuntarily before his conscious mind could do anything to stop them.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Poe answered without a moment’s hesitation. Kylo could have sworn he saw tears glistening in his eyes, but then Poe was kissing him, and he closed his eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

It was the first truly cloudy day of Poe’s vacation, and it looked like it may even rain at some point. Despite this, Poe and Ren decided to go explore yet another part of town that they hadn’t had time to visit yet. They wandered the area and popped into several small boutiques to browse merchandise and buy some snacks.

They had just had dinner and were starting their journey back, when the rain started. And it wasn’t any light drizzle. Poe and Ren hurried along the street they were on and tried to see if any of the numerous shops were still open, but every single one had closed for the night. The rain was getting worse and they would soon be drenched. Now wouldn’t it be something if they both caught a cold and had to spend the remaining of their vacation in bed. Not that Poe would have minded per se, but the additional bodily fluids would doubtless ruin the romantic atmosphere. 

The rain was coming down hard on them, but then Poe heard something in the distance. 

“Do you hear that? It’s music.”

“So? Music won’t shelter us from this rain.”

“It might. I doubt anyone would be playing in this downpour. There is bound to be some kind of cover,” Poe said and started to jog towards the sound with Ren on his heels. 

They arrived at the building where the music seemed to be coming from.

“The door is open. Let’s go in before we get totally soaked,” Poe said and grabbed Ren’s arm to drag him in. 

The sight that greeted them wasn’t exactly what Poe had been expecting. The place was packed with couples dancing, most of them way beyond retirement age. The two of them stuck out like a sore thumb, two young men dripping water and just standing there at the doorway. Another senior couple came in and pushed past them hastily, giving them a weird look before joining the crowd. They received more odd glances from the crowd, the people clearly intrigued by what they were doing here. They were evidently expected to dance. 

Ren had undoubtedly noticed the same thing.

“Maybe we should just go. The rain is not that bad,” Ren said and made a move towards the door. But Poe still had a good hold of his arm and he was stopped short. 

“It is that bad. Like, really, really bad. I’d rather not get sick and spend the last days of my vacation sniffling under the blankets. Come on. Let’s give it a whirl. Just until the rain abates,” Poe said and urged Ren gently towards the dance floor. 

“But I’m not much of a dancer,” Ren said and looked pleadingly at Poe.

“I’ll teach you, it’s not that hard. Besides, look at these people. They’re here to have fun and spend some time together, not have dance battles,” Poe said and took Ren’s hand while placing his other hand on his hip. “I mean, what we’re hearing right now is clearly a type of tango but, as you can see, no one here is trying to do anything fancy or competitive. And to be quite honest,” Poe whispered the last part.” Trying anything like that would probably dislocate the hips of most participants here. Just chill. No pressure.”

They slowly made their way into the crowd of other dancers and Poe started to really enjoy himself. It had been a while since he had last danced like this. They started to receive appreciative looks from people, who were clearly pleased that a younger pair had appeared to the scene to liven things up. Ren too began to relax, after a while, when he realized that he could easily keep up with Poe. 

The song ended, and the band announced that they would take a minute to tune their instruments and get refreshments. People started chatting, clearly knowing most of the other dancers present. An old woman came up to them with a man in tow, who was presumably her husband, and exclaimed how delighted she was to see such youngsters here under this roof again. 

“You remind me of us when we were your age. We used to come here all the time when we were young,” the woman said and leaned to her spouse who was smiling at her lovingly. 

“And when we were less young, darling. It’s such a shame that young people these days don’t care about dancing the same way anymore,” he said. 

“Oh, they do, honey. But it’s all that hip wriggling and grinding. Where’s the romance?” she answered and shook her head. 

“That’s right, darling. Thankfully these boys know better,” he said and patted Poe affectionately on the cheek before whisking his wife away into another dance now that the band had started again. Ren was trying not to laugh at Poe who was holding his cheek and looked slightly embarrassed. 

“Well then, _darling_. May I ask you to join me for another dance?” Ren asked and offered his hand while bowing theatrically deep. He was failing miserably at suppressing his laughter.

“And they say romance is dead,” Poe said chuckling and took his hand.

They danced for a good while, occasionally chatting with the other people who seemed to be amused by the younger couple. One pair of older women even asked them to trade partners for a dance or two, and who were they to deny a request from such sweet old ladies. 

However, Poe soon discovered that they clearly had ulterior motives. Poe found out that they were both widows who used to come dancing with their husbands, but after their passing they had decided to continue dancing together since neither wanted to give up the activity. 

“Keeps you agile. It’s very important when you get to my age. And, perhaps, you can even find a new virile man to keep you company during the cold rainy nights”, she said leaning closer to Poe and winked. Poe laughed good-naturedly but started to discreetly look for Ren with his gaze. The man seemed to be facing a similar dilemma, with the woman leaning his cheek to his chest and holding him tightly. The women had clearly planned this. 

Poe decided that he would amuse the old lady and give her this one dance. He gathered all his charm he could find in his reserves and whirled the woman on the dance floor with all the grace he could muster. When the song finally came to an end, he even gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek as a finishing touch. Her cheeks were bright red, and she looked astonished. 

“I hope you’ll find your man someday. But I need to go to mine now”, Poe said smiling and waved her goodbye. The woman waved back, still quite shaken from the dance, but managed to still smile in return. 

Poe found Ren quickly, and the man was clearly in need of a rescue. The woman had plastered herself on him, and the look on his face radiated discomfort. It was time to intercept. 

“May I have the next dance?”, Poe said stepping up to the pair and offering his hand to Ren. The woman looked sulky that someone was going to take her catch away from her, but she didn’t object. Her friend had just arrived at the scene as well and was coaxing the other woman to come with her.

“Let the young ones enjoy themselves. I’m not sure we could handle the ride they might give us, if that dance earlier was any indication. You have to think about your heart, Isabella,” Poe’s earlier dance partner said with a knowing smirk on her face, and they took off together, disappearing into the crowd.

“What kind of a dance exactly did you give her?” Ren said suspiciously while gathering Poe in his arms again. His hold was maybe a little tighter than it had previously been. 

Poe just laughed and held Ren tighter as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter was a day late! It required more editing than I anticipated and I just couldn't do it yesterday. But it is here now! I hope you enjoyed it, and please, let me know in the comments what you think of the story so far.


	11. Chapter 11

It was the dreaded last day of Poe’s vacation. 

Early tomorrow, he would be gone.

They had gone for a short walk on the shore earlier on the day, but for the most part, they had opted to stay at the cabin and enjoy the last moments in each other’s company. They had made dinner together, and afterwards, spent hours on the couch just lying together, talking, committing the other person to memory. They had arranged a date when they would meet again in a few months, but neither of them wanted to think about the time they would have to stay apart. 

The thought of not being able to see Poe tugged at something in Kylo’s chest. This man sitting between his legs and leaning back on his chest seemed to be the only thing that mattered to him anymore. What would he do? He was nothing without Poe. There was nothing that could fill the void Poe would soon leave in his life. He clutched the other man to his chest and buried his face in his hair.

“I don’t know if I can let you go,” Kylo said, his voice muffled.

“I don’t want to leave either,” Poe said, squeezing Kylo’s hand. “But I have to. I’m needed elsewhere.”

“I know,” Kylo sighed. They had discussed this before. There was no way Poe could extend his vacation anymore. He had been away longer than ever before, and he was needed. Where-ever that was. Kylo had had a small battle with himself to just reveal his identity to Poe and ask him to join him in the First Order. Poe would lack nothing there. The pay would be bigger than anything his current employer could ever offer. He could have any ship he set his eyes on. But still. He knew that Poe would never abandon his work all of a sudden like that. One of the greatest things about Poe was his loyalty, but here it was, being played against Kylo.

“It’s going to be the longest three months ever,” Poe said, playing with Kylo’s fingers. “But it will be worth the wait.” He turned his head and kissed Kylo’s cheek gently, which caused tears to well up in Kylo’s eyes. He was not going to cry, so he drew Poe in for a deep kiss to distract himself from the fact that tomorrow, at this time of day, the love of his life would be well on his way, traveling further and further away from him. 

Poe let out a small sound, surprised by the sudden kiss, but soon he was kissing back as desperately as Kylo felt. They clawed at each other’s clothes, trying to get closer to one another, to escape this reality where they would soon have to part. Poe had twisted around in Kylo’s lap to be able to kiss him better, and his hands had found their way under Kylo’s shirt. The contact sent sparkles traveling through Kylo’s skin the same way as during their first time. He loved this man with all his heart, there was no doubt about it. His own hands traveled down Poe’s neck, his back, and finally to his sides where they stayed, reminding him that Poe was still here, right here in his arms.

After a while however, it became evident that neither of them would be satisfied with just kissing. Poe was grinding lightly to Kylo, who could feel that he was just as hard as he was. Kylo slowly glided his hands towards Poe’s backside and pulled him closer, while simultaneously grinding up to meet Poe’s hips. Poe moaned sinfully to the kiss, and it took all of Kylo’s self-restraint to not rip off every single article of clothing that dared to stand in their way. 

“Should we move this to the bedroom?” Kylo asked, although he would have been perfectly fine doing it on a pile of rocks if it meant that Poe was with him. 

“Maybe,” Poe said and smiled wickedly, but he was already getting up and tugging at Kylo’s hand to get him up as well. Once he was standing, Poe reached up to tangle his hands in Kylo’s hair and then started kissing him again. The slight tug on his scalp and the warm body against him was well on its way making Kylo mad with desire. He pushed Poe against the wall and attacked his neck while pushing his shirt upwards. Poe let out a gasp and attempted to push his hips against Kylo again but he was too far away. Kylo urged Poe to lift his arms so that he could get rid of his shirt, and when that was out of the way, he resumed his assault on his neck and collarbones. 

Poe was panting. The more Kylo paid attention to his neck, the more sensitive it became. Poe’s little gasps and grunts only encouraged Kylo more and he bit slightly at the spot near his collarbone. Poe threw his head back and hit his head against the wall, groaning.

“Come on, Ren. You’re driving me mad here.” 

“I want to take my time,” Kylo murmured against his neck. He could feel Poe’s breath stutter. He must have realized as well that this was the last time they would be doing this for a long time. 

“That’s fair,” Poe answered and swallowed, trying to recompose himself. “But I’d still prefer the bedroom.”

Kylo lifted his face from Poe’s neck to look at him. Poe’s head was still leaning against the wall, his eyes were heavily lidded, lips slightly swollen from all the kissing and angry red marks littered his neck. The sight was too much for Kylo. He put his hands behind Poe’s thighs and lifted him off the ground. Poe yelped at the sudden change and quickly wrapped his arms and legs around Kylo.

“Your wish is my command.” 

Kylo started towards the bedroom with Poe clinging to him tightly looking a little flustered. Once they reached the bed, Kylo lowered Poe gently down on the mattress and kissed him once again, leaning on top of him. Poe’s hands found their way under his shirt again, but this time they were on a mission to get it off completely. Together, they lifted the shirt over Kylo’s head and then resumed their kissing, which was no longer as frantic as it had been in the beginning but more leisurely, both of them trying to prolong this the best they could, savoring each moment. 

Poe reached for Kylo’s pants next. He opened the button with ease and pushed his pants down along with his underwear, his fingers grazing the sensitive skin. Kylo pushed the pants down the rest of the way, removed his socks, and tossed everything in the corner. He turned his attention to Poe, who was still wearing way too much clothing, and opened his pants as well. He rubbed Poe’s bulging erection through his underwear, which caused Poe to let out a sudden gasp and buck his hips. Kylo took advantage of that and used this chance to get rid of the last pieces of clothing that stood between him and his prize. In a matter of seconds, the pants joined Kylo’s clothes in the corner. 

***

Ren pressed his hips down to Poe’s and they both moaned in unison, the skin on skin contact too much to bear. They rutted against each other and their hands tried to touch every part of the other they could reach. The final attempts to get to know each other’s bodies before the inevitable separation.

Ren slowly moved down Poe’s torso, his lips and hands exploring every inch of Poe’s chest. He circled his tongue around the right nipple while his hand caressed the other, which made Poe arch his back and let out a keening sound.

“Ren, you’re killing me,” Poe whispered and lifted his head back up to glance down at his lover, who was clearly not done teasing him. He took the nipple between his teeth and pulled slightly while his hand kept gently rubbing the other. Poe let his head fall back onto the pillow, groaning, and squirmed under Ren’s thorough administrations. 

Finally, when Poe thought he was certainly going to lose it, Ren started moving downwards. Poe let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding while trying not to buck up at Ren. He kissed his way down Poe’s stomach, peppering the trail with kisses until he reached his cock. Ren took hold of the base with his hand and kissed slightly at just the tip. Poe jerked on the bed. The teasing had made him overly sensitive and now even the smallest touch from Ren felt like it was too much. Ren just hummed appreciatively and licked the tip while holding Poe’s hips down with his other hand to prevent him from thrashing too much. He continued the teasing kisses and licks until Poe was sure he was going mad. 

“Ren, please” Poe begged, though he could hardly recognize his own voice from how ragged it sounded. Ren looked up from his work and apparently satisfied with what he was seeing swallowed Poe’s length whole. Poe let out a strangled cry, overwhelmed by the sudden sensations, and he involuntarily tried to buck his hips, but Ren’s firm grip kept him in place. 

Ren started a steady rhythm, and the pleasure was building fast. At this rate, Poe would be coming in no time. He was about to climax when Ren suddenly withdrew with an obscene pop. Poe let out a pathetic sounding whine and tried in vain to thrust against Ren’s iron-grip. 

“We’re not done yet,” Ren said and smiled before returning to Poe’s shaft to once more lick and nib at it. 

Poe groaned in frustration. He was more than happy to take things slow since this would be their last time in Force knew how long but bringing him to the edge like that and then yanking him away from it had been torturous. 

Poe was remotely aware that Ren was lifting his legs to gain access to his entrance. He obliged readily, eager to make things proceed. Ren had grabbed the bottle of lube from the nightstand and was now circling his entrance with his fingers, with no intention of breaching him any time soon, while his lips still paid attention to his cock. Poe couldn’t wait anymore to have those fingers inside him. He dragged Ren upwards to face him and then flipped their positions so that he was now sitting on top of him.

“The time for teasing is over. Either you use those fingers to prep me for your cock or I’ll do it myself,” Poe said with a voice that left no place for arguments and grabbed Ren’s hand, guiding it to his entrance. 

Ren looked taken aback for a second but soon recovered and grinned at his lover. 

“Whatever you say, love.”

Ren pushed the first lube-clad finger inside and Poe moaned in pure ecstasy, pushing back eagerly. Ren had only pushed the finger in and out a couple of times when Poe was already moving impatiently.

“More,” Poe said with such a lust-filled voice that made Ren pause for a second and just marvel at the gorgeous man in front of him. He wouldn’t be able to deny him anything at this point. He pushed another finger in. 

Ren’s fingers felt incredible, but Poe knew it wouldn’t be enough for long. He rocked his hips against the fingers and willed them deeper. They brushed his prostate and Poe’s breath stuttered in his chest. He would miss those fingers. But even more, he would miss the man those fingers belonged to. The weeks they had spent together had probably been the best of his life. Ren had made him forget everything else. The Resistance, the First Order, the war. They had been surrounded by their own bubble, fooling around, having sex, loving. 

Yes, he loved Ren. 

Just the thought of losing him soon made him push back on his fingers more. Ren added a third finger. Poe leaned down to kiss him. He would take every chance to kiss him now that he still had time. 

The fingers spreading him open were moving effortlessly now.

“I can’t wait anymore, Ren. I need you inside me,” Poe huffed and rose back to a more upwards position. Ren withdrew his fingers and Poe positioned himself on his cock. He started lowering himself on it slowly, the thick length steadily filling him. Ren gripped his thighs, his mouth hanging slightly open. 

Once he was fully seated, Poe paused for a second just basking in the feeling of Ren buried so deeply inside of him. It would be ages until he would be able to feel like this again.

Ren nudged his hips up towards Poe.

“Now who’s impatient,” Poe said, but started slowly lifting himself up only to lower himself down again. He started slowly, gradually building up the rhythm until he was positively impaling himself on Ren’s dick.

The pressure was building inside of Poe, and he was sure Ren felt the same way based on the iron-grip he had on his thighs. There would be bruises tomorrow, but he didn’t mind. One more thing to remind him of Ren.

After a while though, Poe was no longer satisfied with the position. He couldn’t kiss Ren and ride him at the same time. Even if it felt heavenly to sink on Ren’s dick over and over again, he wanted to feel closer to the man he loved. He leaned down on Ren and urged him to move so that he would be on top of him. 

Ren obliged and took control of the rhythm. He moved in and out of Poe leisurely with no hurry to finish things, but Poe didn’t mind. They tried to send their feelings through the kisses they shared. The love, all the things they hadn’t had time to say or do, the longing. 

The desperation.

It was different from the first time they had done this. Back then, they had been desperate to reach climax. Now they were afraid of it. This time, the desperation stemmed from the knowledge that their time together would soon end. 

Ren’s movements were torturously slow. It was enough to keep the passion running, but not enough to reach the final satisfaction. Poe was achingly hard, the prolonged lovemaking testing his sanity. He wanted to make this last too, but he was at his limit.

“Come on, Ren. I can’t take this anymore. You’ve got to move faster,” Poe said, breaking their kiss. 

Ren was silent for a moment, but then he said, no louder than a whisper: “I can’t bear this to be over. Tomorrow you’ll be gone. But I can’t let you go.”

“I know it’s hard. I feel the same. But we’ve been over this, Ren. What’s the matter?”

There was a short silence.

“I fear that you’ll forget me,” Ren finally said, pure heartache in his voice.

Poe couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could he possibly forget this gorgeous man he had learned to love in only a heartbeat. He knew that he would be thinking about him constantly while waiting for their reunion. Poe took Ren’s hand and twined their fingers together. 

“Make my body remember you, then.”

Ren gripped Poe’s hand tight and pressed it against the mattress never wanting to let go. The words seemed to get to him, though. He picked up speed rapidly and Poe gasped under him, gripping his hand in return. Ren pushed deep, and Poe felt he was filled to the brim with every thrust. Ren used his other hand to push Poe’s leg upwards and the change in angle made Poe see stars as Ren pounded into him, impossibly deeper. He wouldn’t be able to forget Ren if he tried. He doubted anyone could ever compare. No one could ever make him feel like this again. No one but Ren. He had fallen for him so hard and so fast that the feeling had encompassed his whole being and he was a little afraid how easily it had happened. 

The ruthless pounding brought him close to the edge quickly. He grabbed the back of Ren’s head with the hand that wasn’t caught in Ren’s vicious grip on the mattress and brought him in for a quick kiss. 

“I’ll never forget you,” Poe rasped in a low voice and came untouched in long spurts, clenching around Ren while squeezing his hand painfully tight. Ren was close to his limit as well. He only needed the last few fierce thrusts, which made Poe’s oversensitive body jerk involuntarily. He drove himself deep inside Poe and released his seed.

He collapsed on top of Poe and for a while they just lay there, trying to catch their breath, still not releasing their joined hands. Ren buried his face in Poe’s neck, and Poe let his hand wander in his curls. He felt the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right! We've reached the end of what I unofficially think of as "Part one" of this fic. Let me know what you think of the story so far, what you think will happen, or just come yell at me about whatever!


	12. Chapter 12

The return to the base had been uneventful. Poe had sat in the travel shuttle staring out the window sighing wistfully every ten seconds, undoubtedly annoying everyone else on board. The goodbye with Ren had been the most bittersweet of his life and he had nearly thrown his travel bag to the ground refusing to leave. But no matter how much he just wanted to run away together with Ren, he couldn’t abandon the Resistance. He had decided a long time ago that the rebellion came before any of his personal desires. The cause was worth more than his love life. 

He had dropped off at a station relatively close to the Resistance base and they had sent Jessika Pava to pick him up. Poe tried to appear his usual cheerful self as he didn’t have the energy to deal with Jess’s third degree right now, but it soon became clear that he was failing miserably. In addition, Jess was also one of his best friends and saw right through his façade when they were sitting in her ship and Poe was once again staring into space with a vacant look in his eyes.

“I thought you’d be thrilled to get back to work after all that resistance – pun intended – against going on a vacation in the first place. Who are you and what have you done to the real Poe Dameron?” Jess asked raising her eyebrow. 

“I’m sure he’s back in the base. I’m just tired, Jess. It’s no big deal,” Poe said, rubbing his eyes in what he hoped was a convincing manner. 

“Poe, I know you. You’ve never looked more rested in your life. The dark bags under your eyes are smaller than ever. There’s gotta be something else,” Jess said with sincere concern in her voice. 

Poe groaned internally. Where had he gone wrong in life if people got worried when he looked somewhat healthy? He didn’t really want to share the details of his trip with anyone, but he also knew that Jess wouldn’t stop pestering him about it until he caved in. And she sort of deserved an explanation. In addition to being his friend, she was also part of her squadron and she needed to know if her commander was compromised and would continue spacing out in the future as well when they were running missions together. 

Poe bumped his head against the headrest and stared at the ceiling for a change of pace. He caved in.

“I met someone.”

“Someone you know?” Jess asked and tilted her head questioningly.

“No. Well, I know him now. Very well.”

“Aww. You made a friend.”

“Very. Very. Well,” Poe said emphasizing each word and gave Jess a pointed look. 

It took Jess a few seconds to process the information.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, congratulations then, I guess.”

“Thanks. I guess.”

There was a moment of silence when Poe considered the advantages of just opening the door of their vessel and launching himself into space. He didn’t have time to act on his plans, though, since Jess seemed to have collected her thoughts and was now set on finding more information.

“What’s he like? You said ‘he’, right?”

“Yes, I did. He’s only the greatest, hottest, most amazing person in the galaxy. No big deal. I’m not at all affected by having to leave him on a paradise island, where I spent the best weeks of my whole goddamn life by the way, to fight in a war that might kill me any day and prevent me from seeing him ever again. As I said: no big deal,” Poe blurted while fighting the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. At least his voice had remained level. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands to escape the stunned look on Jess’s face.

“Yeeaaah… It sure sounds like no big deal. Do you need anything?”

“Only a shit ton of work to drown myself in,” came the muffled answer from behind his hands.

“I’ve got you covered, pal.”

***

Pava hadn’t been kidding. The base was in a state of controlled chaos. Apparently, they had received a massive batch of new recruits, and since he had been away, there had been a shortage of commanding officers required for their training. Poe was immediately assigned a group of soon-to-be-pilots and training them consumed the hours of his days effectively. 

But not his nights. 

Most evenings he was so exhausted from the day’s work that he fell asleep immediately but occasionally he would stay up for hours with no sign of sleep. That was when the thoughts of Ren invaded his mind. Everything he could repress during the day came back in full force at night. 

Sleeping alone had been hard the first few nights. He hadn’t realized back on the island how used to having someone beside him on the bed he had become. It was just so easy to curl up to Ren and fall asleep. He had made him feel safe, like he had guarded him from war and death, the First Order and the Siths. Everything that was wrong with the world. Now, that bubble had burst, and alone in his bed on the base, he was closer than ever to all those things. 

He hadn’t talked with the general yet about taking another vacation in just a few months to be able to meet with Ren and he wondered how she would react considering his earlier attitude towards taking some time off. And of course, there was always the possibility that he wouldn’t be able to go back to Puulon when they had agreed to after all. He was swamped with work with the new recruits. It would take months to finish their training and he may be forced to stay on the base. Or maybe it would be Ren who failed to show up. In either case, they hadn’t made any additional plans and they had no means to contact each other, so it was highly probable that they might never meet again. 

He didn’t want to think about it.

But the next time, if they both made it to Puulon, Poe was going to tell he was with the Resistance. He couldn’t live with the uncertainty and didn’t want to risk any unnecessary missed reunions. Maybe Ren would want to join? Poe didn’t know what he could do, but even if he didn’t have any skills useful to them, he was big and strong and therefore they would undoubtedly find something for him to do. Maybe he could tell the general that he wasn’t going on a vacation but on a recruiting mission. 

For one man. Who may not be useful or even interested at all. 

He would consider it.


	13. Chapter 13

Weeks went by and Poe still hadn’t asked the General if he could have a few days off when it was time to meet with Ren. Or whether he could go on that recruiting mission, but he doubted the General would warm up to the idea. 

Jess had been on his case as well when she had time to spare from her own duties with the recruits. She had pestered him to go see the General sooner rather than later so that she wouldn’t send him to the other side of the galaxy when he was supposed to go back to Puulon.

“You deserve to be happy, Poe. You can’t miss this chance. Now, stop being a procrastinating idiot and bite the bullet,” she had said from under her X-wing while waving a wrench in his direction. She made a compelling argument, and Poe wanted to believe he could really have this. 

However, Poe was still hesitating. He was in good terms with the General, but he didn’t want to discuss his love life with his boss. She would undoubtedly demand an explanation after the scene he had made about going on a vacation the first time. Surely, she would be suspicious about him wanting to go on another so soon after the previous one. 

Poe had made his way to the General’s office and was now pacing behind the door. What could he say? ‘I wanna go bang my ridiculously hot boyfriend even though the base is in a chaos and we’re short on staff so can I have a few days off pretty please?’ 

Super convincing. 

He was doomed. 

He was still walking in circles outside her office when the General opened the door.

“Stop wearing down my floor with your pacing and come inside. I can’t concentrate when you’re fretting about something just outside my door,” General Organa said and motioned him inside. Poe could have smacked himself on the forehead. He should have realized that the Force would probably enable her to sense him.

Poe entered somewhat reluctantly and sat on the chair opposite the General’s desk. 

“Now, what can I do for you, Commander? It’s not like you to hesitate to come talk to me,” the General said crossing her hands and leaning forward on her desk.

Poe hesitated for a while longer looking for the right words, but nothing came to him. He decided to just go straight to the point.

“I was just wondering if I could take another vacation in about a month. I’ll have gathered a few days by then.” There. He had said it. 

The look on her face told Poe that she definitely hadn’t expected that. Maybe he had managed to surprise her enough that she would give him a few days off in her confusion. 

“So, you finally learned to enjoy having some time for yourself. I never thought I’d see the day. I’d be happy to grant your wish.” Yes, mission success. He couldn’t wait to see Ren and kiss him stupid. “But I need you on a mission. A very important one.”

And just like that Poe’s world came crashing down. He’d miss the meeting with Ren. It was over. They were over. He slumped back on the chair and tried to look like his heart hadn’t just shattered into million pieces. 

“What’s the mission,” Poe croaked, his throat feeling tight. 

“You know I’ve been trying to figure out the whereabouts of my brother. We’ve nearly managed to locate him, but we’re still missing a piece from a map. That piece is now in the hands of Lor San Tekka, an ally to the Resistance. I need you to find him and retrieve the map.”

“Can’t anyone else go?” Poe nearly didn’t recognize his own voice. He had never asked something like this before. The General looked at him with worry. This was new to her as well. She shook her head.

“I’m afraid the mission is just as dangerous as it is important, Commander. The First Order will be after Lor San Tekka as well. I need my very best pilot on the case," the General said looking apologetic. "You’ll be leaving in two weeks.” 

“Yes, Ma’am,” Poe said, the tightness in his throat making the words come out weakly. “I understand.”

The General sighed and leaned back on her chair. 

“Do you wish to enlighten me why you wanted some time off so badly? Maybe we can arrange something later, when the map is secured.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll start preparing for the mission,” Poe said and rose from his chair to leave. He needed to be alone right now.

“Poe.” 

The tone of her voice made him stop on his tracks. He turned back to look at her. 

“Whatever it is you want to do on your ‘vacation’ is clearly important to you, I can see that. I’m not blind,” she stood up and walked around her desk so that she was now standing in front of Poe. “So, if the mission allows, you may make a short stop at where-ever you were planning on going. But only if the mission is not endangered.”

Poe couldn’t believe his ears. He still had hope. His heart swelled in his chest at the possibility of not losing Ren after all. 

“Thank you, General” Poe said and, in the spur of the moment, suddenly hugged her tightly.

“Good heavens,” the General said and patted him on the back, surprised by the sudden proximity.

“I won’t disappoint you, General. I’ll have that map in my possession in no time,” Poe said and released his superior. He saluted her with a wide grin and then left the office, leaving a very confused general in his wake. 

***

Poe was nearly skipping when he arrived at the hangar to do some maintenance work on his X-wing before the mission. Jess lifted her gaze from her X-wing she had been working on and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“My phenomenal deductive skills tell me she said yes. Congratulations,” Jess said and hopped down from her perch on the wing.

“Actually, you’re wrong, master detective. She’s sending me on a mission.”

“And still you’re happy as a clam. I thought this was the love of your life we’re talking about, and how you’ll never see him again if you don’t show up on Puulon. You’re taking this awfully well,” Jess said suspiciously, crossing her arms. 

“The General gave me a permission to make a stop there if the mission allows,” Poe said, rummaging his toolbox. “And since I’m her best pilot – her words not mine, by the way – I’m sure I’ll be done with it in just a few days and then I’ll have all the time I need to rendezvous with Ren.”

“You mean go at it like animals, day and night?”

“Now, you don’t need to know about that, do you?” Poe said, a smile tugging the corners of his mouth insistently.

“No, I don’t. Please spare me from details. But what will you do next? Are you just going to arrange another meeting in a few months and hope that nothing goes wrong? Sounds kind of risky to me,” Jess said, announcing his fears aloud. He was silent for a moment, crouched in front of the toolbox twirling a screwdriver in his hands. 

“I’ll tell him I’m with the Resistance,” Poe said quietly. “Maybe he’ll want to join.”

“And you’re going to tell him the location of the base? Are you crazy? What if he’s friendly with the First Order?” Jess said incredulously.

“There’s no way that Ren would be involved with those bastards. Besides, what other choice do I have? Any form of communication I can offer him can be traced back to the base. It’s not like I can send him a messenger bird. I can’t lose him, Jess,” Poe said, standing up. The look on his face told Jess that he was not taking this lightly and she didn’t want to stand in the way of his happiness. 

“I guess I’ll need to trust your judgement in people,” Jess sighed.

“Don’t worry, Ren’s a good guy,” Poe said and smiled reassuringly. “It’s been ages. I can’t wait to see him.” He started towards his X-wing, but Jess stopped him by grabbing his shoulder. 

“That’s another thing. I know you’re a good pilot, Poe, but don’t rush the mission. You’ll get yourself killed.”

The look on Poe’s face was the most serious Jess had ever seen.

“I have no intention of dying before I see him again.”


	14. Chapter 14

Well, he wasn’t dead, which was a plus.

Time-wise the mission had been a success. Poe had managed to locate Lor San Tekka and got hold of the map faster than anyone had anticipated. In theory, Poe would have been several days early to the meeting with Ren on Puulon, which would have enabled them to stay together longer.

The only problem was that every other aspect of the mission had failed.

His X-wing was busted, the village he was in was being raided, and there were stormtroopers shooting at him. He was going nowhere anytime soon. The only silver lining was that at least BB-8 had escaped with the map. He just hoped that he would be able to get back to him before the droid ran into any scavengers. Or First Order troops. 

The latter he would be able to hold back for a while longer to give BB-8 as much time as possible to get away, but by the looks of things, that wouldn’t be long. The villagers didn’t have the means to fight and there were just too many enemies for him to take on alone. It was clear the battle would end in no time. His only hope was that they wouldn’t realize that a droid had left from the scene, but thankfully the battle would cover most of the tracks BB-8 may have left and the desert wind would handle the rest. 

Poe had found a spot behind a dune and shot at the stormtroopers that were in his range and at least one got hit directly and fell on the spot. Poe didn’t have time to feel sorry for them. His mission was to retrieve the map so that they could find Luke Skywalker and with his help restore peace to the galaxy. The cause was too important. His conscience had given up on faceless stormtroopers a long time ago. 

As Poe predicted, the battle didn’t last long. He watched from his hiding place how the soldiers ushered the villagers to gather in a single group and how they brought Lor San Tekka to stand in front of a tall man dressed in all black. He must be Kylo Ren. 

Which meant that Lor San Tekka was undoubtedly doomed. From what Poe had heard, Kylo Ren was one of the biggest names in the First Order and completely merciless. Despite the man’s reputation, this was the first time Poe had ever seen him. And to be fair, he didn’t get a very good look now either since the figure was wearing a mask that hid his face and distorted his voice. 

Apart from the ruthlessness of the man, he didn’t know much else, although, he suspected that General Organa knew more than she shared with him or anyone else. They had argued about it previously, Poe stating that it was crucial that everyone knew about their enemies as much as possible, but the General had told him that the information would also be harmful to the Resistance if it ended up in wrong hands. Poe didn’t understand how that would be possible, but the statement had ended the conversation anyway and Poe had been none the wiser.

Despite not receiving all the info, Poe knew that if he could kill Kylo Ren right here right now, it would be a huge victory to the Resistance and the galaxy at large. The First Order would lose one of their leading figures and it would take them time to regroup, which would give the Resistance an opportunity to strike. 

The problem was, however, that he couldn’t get a clear shot from his hiding place and he wouldn’t be able to get closer without being seen and shot by the stormtroopers who were standing watch. If only they would look elsewhere for just a few seconds, he would have enough time to shoot. He would, without a doubt, die in the process as he wouldn’t be able to fend off all the enemies once they realized that he had been the one firing, but he would gladly trade his life if it meant that there was a chance that the galaxy would see peace again. His only regret was that he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise to BB-8 to come back for him. 

And okay, he would regret that he would miss his meeting with Ren. 

And that he had lied to Jess about not dying on this mission.

Kriff, he had a lot of regrets. 

But he didn’t have time to think about them. The opportunity to attack presented itself when it became clear that the General was not the only one who was aware of Kylo Ren’s identity. 

“I know where you come from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren,” Lor San Tekka declared and the stormtroopers shifted, intrigued. Apparently, they were just as capable of curiosity as normal human beings. But they were still facing towards Poe and would see him the second he stepped out of his hiding place.

Thankfully, Kylo Ren himself provided the best distraction. He pulled out his lightsaber and struck at Lor San Tekka before the old man could reveal anything else. Poe felt his insides twist. He had liked Lor San Tekka a lot even if they hadn’t known each other for long. And on top of that, he had been a valuable ally and losing him was a terrible loss to the Resistance. However, the crackling of the unsteady weapon and the vicious attack gained the attention of everyone standing nearby and Poe used this window to step out of his hiding place and fire towards Kylo Ren. He had a direct shot and the blaster bolt was aimed towards his head. There was no way he would miss. 

And yet he failed.

Kylo Ren wasn’t dead.

The blaster bolt hung in the air between them. Kylo Ren had his hand extended towards it and Poe, freezing them both on the spot. Poe had never had someone use the Force on him and the feeling was peculiar. He could feel his body, but it wouldn’t do what he told it to and he could feel the panic rise in him. He was trapped.

But he wasn’t dead.

The realization gave him some perspective on the situation and he could calm himself. He wouldn’t give the First Order the satisfaction of seeing him scared. He would face them proudly without fear. 

The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.

He replayed the mantra over and over in his head as the stormtroopers dragged him towards Kylo Ren. They forced him on his knees in front of him, which was the standard procedure in situations like this: to make him feel small in front of his captor. 

Which was why he was surprised when the man knelt in front of him and looked at him at eye level. It didn’t make any sense. He was supposed to tower over him and assert that he was in charge. But instead, he just cocked his head and seemed to look right into Poe’s soul. 

“The old man gave it to you.” The statement was gentle, and Poe could have sworn he heard disbelief in his voice, which didn’t make sense either. God, he wished he could see the man’s face. 

“It’s just very hard to understand you with all the apparatus,” Poe said in hopes of getting the man to remove his mask but before he could properly finish the sentence, Kylo Ren ordered the soldiers to search him. As they patted him down, Poe had time to take a good look at his captor and he couldn’t help but notice how much the man resembled Ren. He was tall, dressed all in black and even their mannerisms were similar. He had heard that if you really miss someone you start seeing them everywhere, in the crowds and whatnot. But kriff, he must be longing after Ren like crazy if he’s seeing him in this murderous fanatic. Maybe he should be worried about what being apart from Ren was doing to his mental health. 

However, he didn’t have much time to ponder the situation in depth as Kylo Ren ordered the troopers to get him on board. 

He was so gonna miss his meeting with Ren.


	15. Chapter 15

Poe had been dragged to a room that apparently served as a modern torture chamber, though it was severely lacking in equipment that were usually associated with this type of thing. Not even a single thumbscrew in sight. The only thing in the room was a complex looking device that had several restraints and all kinds of little gadgets attached to it that were probably designed to make the occupant’s stay in the thing a living hell. Poe had no doubts about where he was headed. 

The stormtroopers attached him to the device and then one of them, who Poe assumed was the leader of the group, stepped in front of him.

“This is your last chance to tell us where that map is.”

“If this really is the last, then I guess you’ll just never hear it since I’m gonna pass this one, thank you very much.” Being a total smart-ass in a situation like this may not have been the brightest idea, but it was still Poe’s go-to coping mechanism. It had never failed him before. Although it usually aggravated the other party quite a bit, and it may not have been the safest choice when that other party was planning on torturing him for information.

“Start the procedure,” the trooper said and stepped aside. 

Poe could hear the pure satisfaction in his voice.

Then the pain hit him all at once and everywhere, and it drew an involuntary yell from him. He gritted his teeth together to try to prevent another one. He didn’t want to scream in front of these bastards. 

After a while though, it became apparent that the group responsible for his agony wasn’t very good at this torturing business. They let the machine do the dirty work, and it was clearly designed to refrain from dealing any permanent damage. Sure, the side of his face was bleeding and he was drenched in cold sweat because of the pain, but in the end, it was just that. Pain. Earlier in the village, he had been completely prepared to die. He could deal with pain. 

It reminded him that he was still alive.

For how long that continued to be the case, he didn’t know. The First Order wouldn’t be getting any information from him, which might buy him some time, but eventually they’d be bound to give up and just get rid of him. He doubted they’d have any other use for him and one enemy less is always one enemy less. And if, emphasis on if, they somehow managed to get the information out of him, he’d once again be useless to them and would probably be executed on the spot. He doubted they would use him for blackmailing purposes. The main reason being that the Resistance wouldn’t negotiate with them and the First Order was well aware of that. He wouldn’t be the first one to be sacrificed for the cause. Oh, they’d miss him for sure, but there was no way they were going to make a deal with their number one enemy. 

Although the pain was a constant reminder that Poe still dwelled among the living, it was also taking its toll on him. His vision had gotten blurry and the only thing he could hear was a loud humming noise that he suspected was his own blood flow. He had no idea how much time had passed. It had felt like hours, but he was fully aware that it could have been only minutes, the torment distorting his sense of time. He was starting to doubt his resolve but then the training that everyone received once they joined the Resistance made his way into his mind. They all had sworn that even if tortured, the only thing they would tell their enemy about the rebellion would be the sentence: “The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.” Poe moved his lips and whispered the phrase over and over again, which grabbed the attention of the stormtroopers and they turned the device off. Poe let out a sound of relief that would have made him feel humiliated if he had had any strength to care. He was just glad to catch a small break.

“Ready to talk, rebel scum?” The trooper acting as the leader was once again standing in front of him and waiting for an answer. It would be so easy to just spill everything. They would kill him, and the misery would be over. He wouldn’t have to feel anything ever again.

Poe leaned his head back on the rack and swallowed. His mouth tasted like blood and his tongue was sticking to his palate. God, he could have killed for a glass of water.

The stormtrooper inched closer, ready to hear Poe’s confession.

A grin slowly spread across his face, splitting his dry lower lip in the process.

“The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.”

The next shock of pain knocked him unconscious.


	16. Chapter 16

Poe was dimly aware that there was someone else in the room with him. His eyelids felt heavy and he would have preferred to stay unconscious, but that someone was clearly speaking to him and demanded his attention. 

“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board,” that someone said, who Poe now identified as Kylo Ren. Even if his mind was still hazy from just waking up, he would still recognize that distorted voice. “Comfortable?”

“Not really.” How nice of him to ask though.

“I’m impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map.” The light conversational tone disappeared in the middle of the sentence. So, the boss was here to interrogate the prisoner himself after his goons had failed to retrieve the information. Poe felt almost honored. 

“You might want to rethink your technique.” His voice was hoarse, but the sass was evidently back. If he had learned anything from the treatment before, this wouldn’t go down well for him.

And as he predicted, he was right. Kylo Ren extended his hand towards him, and Poe thought at first that he would grab his face, maybe threaten to damage his eyes or something, but he never closed the distance. Poe was puzzled. This was definitely a new technique.

And then he felt it.

He was trying to get into his head.

He had never experienced anything even remotely like it. At first, the man was merely feeling the edges of Poe’s mind but soon he rammed in with full force and Poe was thrown back physically as well in addition to the mental assault. He couldn’t describe the sensation. It wasn’t exactly pain, but it was still the worst torture Poe had experienced by far. He had always been good at protecting his mind when faced with torture or violence and didn’t let those things affect his psyche. Sure, he knew that even he would reach his breaking point eventually if subjected to continuous pain, but he was still relatively confident in his ability to have his mind intact even under dire circumstances. But this. It felt like Kylo Ren was attacking his mind directly, leaving a mess in his wake. Poe felt him closing in on his thoughts and he had no means to stop the invasion. 

“The Resistance. Will not be. Intimidated by you,” he managed to force out through gritted teeth. He tried to fill his mind only with the sentence, but Kylo Ren pushed past it with a force that left Poe’s mind feeling like it was bleeding. He wouldn’t be okay after this. He could deal with physical pain. He had had his fair share of torture and violence in the past. No matter what had happened to his body, he would still have his mind only to himself. It was his sanctuary when his body no longer belonged to him. But now. There was nowhere to go. He had grown up thinking that force users were heroes and had idolized Luke Skywalker as child. He had been amazed at what he could do with the force and thought it was the greatest thing ever. 

He had been wrong. No one should have this kind of power over another being. 

Kylo Ren pushed deeper, rummaging his memories. What seemed odd, however, was that he seemed to dwell longer on his memories of Ren rather than any Resistance related matters. That perverted bastard. But if it kept him from finding out the location of the map, then Poe would gladly shove even his most intimate memories into his face to distract him as long as possible. He brought forward the memory of their day at the beach, the dinner that lead to them making out on the porch, the dancing, all the times they made love. 

That time they were lying down on the living room floor in the afternoon sun and told each other “I love you”. 

That stopped him for a moment.

But only for a moment as he suddenly disregarded all his memories of Ren and plunged even deeper into his mind with such a force that it caused Poe to scream. There was nothing he could do anymore. Kylo Ren had complete control of his mind and he picked the information about BB-8 on Jakku from his brain as easily as a flower. He had failed the Resistance. 

Satisfied with what he had found, Kylo Ren finally let go of Poe’s mind. Poe’s head was bowed down. He had no strength left to lift it up. 

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Kylo Ren said with a hint of satisfaction in his voice, easily recognizable even with the mask. He brought his hands gently to Poe’s face and lifted it up so that he could look him in the eye. 

What was this friendly act supposed to serve? He had gotten what he wanted. He could have just left him there to rot and wait for his execution while he went after BB-8. Maybe he just enjoyed toying with his prey.

“I’m sure you understand that the Resistance doesn’t stand a chance against us. Your little rebellion is useless.” He wiped away a small trail of blood on Poe’s cheek with his thumb. “But it isn’t too late to make better choices.”

“Whatever you’re implying, it’s not gonna happen,” Poe managed to croak out even though his throat felt like sandpaper. What could he possibly want?

Kylo Ren tenderly guided Poe’s head so that it was leaning on the headrest and stepped back. He brought his hands up to his helmet and there was the sound of some kind of a mechanism as it opened. Slowly, he raised the helmet from his head and Poe’s knees would have given way if he hadn’t been chained to the device. 

It was Ren. 

This couldn’t be happening. He must be hallucinating after all that messing around Kylo Ren did in his head. Or maybe it was just another trick with the Force. 

“Is this your idea of a joke, you sick bastard. You saw him in my memories and now you’re using some sadistic Force trick to make yourself look like him. Or make me think you look like him. Who cares! Just stop it,” Poe growled. His fists were clenched at his sides. He didn’t want to participate in this sick game.

“I’m not using the Force on you. Or me, for that matter. It’s really me.”

“You liar!” Poe yelled and yanked against his restraints. He was breathing hard and leaning forward as much as the bindings would allow so that he could look at the floor and not the man in front of him. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. Ren would have never done those things to him. 

“What reason would I have to lie to you?” Kylo Ren asked and stepped forward, reaching to touch Poe’s face again, but Poe yanked his head back to get as far away as he could in his restraints. 

“Sadistic assholes hardly need a reason.” Poe was looking at Ren’s face again. There was no mistaking it. It was him. He would recognize that face anywhere. 

“Is that how you think of me? You’re wounding me, Poe,” Kylo Ren said standing inches away from him but not trying to touch him again.

“Maybe you should have thought of that before you ordered your subordinates to torture me and then raided my mind against my will,” Poe spat.

“I’m sure you remember that we agreed that our jobs come first. Which is why we never told each other anything about them in the first place. I merely did what I had to. And in my defense, you tried to kill me first.”

“I had no idea it was you and you know that.”

“Would you still have shot if you had known it was me? Gotten rid of one of the leading members of the First Order?”

_Yes._

“I don’t know,” Poe said refusing to meet the other man’s stare.

“Don’t lie to me,” Kylo Ren hissed and grabbed Poe’s chin roughly to force him to meet his gaze. “We both know that your devotion to your beloved Resistance would have overridden any feelings you have for me. You would have shot the man you love in cold blood if it meant that your little group of rebel scum would have gained an upper hand in this war.”

“The man I love doesn’t exist. He’s barely a lie you made up,” Poe answered though speaking was difficult with Kylo Ren grabbing his face so hard.

“I have never. Lied to you. About anything,” Kylo Ren said, his face so close to Poe’s that he could feel his breath with every uttered word. 

“You failed to tell me that you’re one of the main figures of these power-hungry fanatics and responsible for countless innocent deaths. It’s the same thing.” Poe couldn’t believe Ren would still think he would think of him the same way after finding out about his real identity. His chest was aching. He couldn’t understand how this could be the same man he had fallen in love with. The betrayal was just too much to bear.

“It doesn’t change the fact that I love you. And in time, you’ll remember that you feel the same for me. With you by my side I’ll be stronger than any Sith Lord before me. Just think about it. What were the odds of us meeting like this again? When I saw you outside, it was clear to me that this is how it’s supposed to go. This is what the Force wants.” There was a manic glint in his eyes and Poe could hardly recognize the face he had cherished only months ago. “I was foolish to let you go in the first place. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

“You’re mad if you think that I’ll help you in your insane mission in any way.”

“I assure you, you’ll change your mind. Eventually,” Ren said and smiled that gentle smile that Poe had missed for so long and his heart almost ripped in two. The universe was playing the world’s cruelest joke on him. Ren moved his hand from Poe’s chin and caressed his face before placing his palm on his forehead. “You’ll have all the time you need to think about it. But now I need to go find that droid. You can take a nap while you wait for my return.” 

A surge of Force went through Poe’s skull and he slipped into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It isn't Saturday anywhere on the globe anymore (or even Sunday here) but better late than never! 
> 
> And more importantly: Have I broken any hearts yet?


	17. Chapter 17

“Ren wants the prisoner.”

The words made their way through Poe’s hazy mind. So, Ren was back already. That hadn’t taken long at all. Or maybe Poe just had been unconscious for longer than he had thought. Had he found BB-8? Did he already have the map? And the most relevant question to Poe right now: what did he want with him now? Was there going to be another torture session? A romantic date? Just a general heart-to-heart where they discuss their feelings and try to overcome their differences? There was no way to know.

The restraints on his arms and legs opened and Poe was suddenly slightly more awake. Maybe he could use this opportunity to escape. Only one stormtrooper had come to escort him, and he trusted his skills enough that he would be able to handle him in one-on-one. Even if they cuffed his hands and his guard was armed. Well, it was only fair to give the trooper a little handicap.

He just hadn’t accounted for the fact that he was in a shitty shape as a result of the torture earlier. He could hardly stay upright as the trooper dragged him along the corridors. The guy seemed to be in a hurry compared to the other troopers they encountered, and they weren’t exactly slacking off either. Maybe running errands for Ren required another sort of haste, or the guy was just an overachiever. Hopefully that didn’t extend to his combat skills, so Poe would have a chance to take him out.

However, his musings were stopped short when the trooper pushed him around the corner and out of sight, so no one could see them. What was going on? Did he have a grudge against the rebels and wanted to take one out himself? Well, he would give him a fight if that was what he desired.

“Listen carefully. If you do exactly as I say, I can get you out of here,” the trooper said, clearly in a hurry. 

“What?” Okay, he hadn’t expected that. This couldn’t be some elaborate scheme where Ren gave him false hope of escape only to capture him again, right?

“This is a rescue. I’m helping you escape. Can you fly a TIE Fighter?” The man had removed his helmet and Poe doubted this was an act. He was sweating and looked genuinely stressed about the situation. But who was he and why would he be helping him? The Resistance didn’t have any spies on this ship and they had agreed with the General that he would be on his own once he accepted the mission. No rescue would come after him. But it wouldn’t be the first time that the General had failed to inform him about something like this.

“You’re with the Resistance?”

“What? No, no, no.” The man looked genuinely puzzled. He was probably telling the truth. “I’m breaking you out. Can you fly a TIE Fighter?”

“I can fly anything.”

***

He had always wanted to fly one of these things. The only downside was that they were being shot at.

Luckily his new companion was a quick learner. He had only had time to give him the quickest briefing of how the weapons in the fighter work, but the trooper had grasped the idea intuitively. And he wasn’t a bad shot. He had wrecked just the right amount of havoc in the hangar while Poe was trying to get the TIE fighter out and then, once in space, he had managed to take out the cannons that were between them and their escape. Poe was impressed. He’d need to scrap all his jokes about stormtroopers being bad at aiming. Or maybe it was the helmet that caused them to miss, since it must be a pain to see anything from inside that bucket. Or maybe this guy was just special. The thrill in the trooper’s voice when he took out the cannons caused a sense of elation in Poe as well and they both cheered at the successful shot. Poe was genuinely happy that he was escaping with this guy of all people. Kriff, he should probably ask for his name since they were flying back to back and risking their lives together to escape the First Order.

“Hey, what’s your name?” Poe asked after steering away from the First Order ship and avoiding some of the most immediate shots aimed at them.

“FN-2187,” the man answered without a moment’s hesitation.

“F… What?” Now what kind of a name was that?

“That’s the only name they ever gave me.” 

Oh.

One more reason to hate those First Order sons of bitches.

“Well, I ain’t using it. FN, huh?” It was pretty hard to come up with names when you were fleeing for your life, but a name still popped into his head. “Finn. I’m gonna call you Finn. Is that all right?”

“Finn. Yeah, Finn. I like that!” Finn answered, and Poe felt somewhat proud of himself that he had managed to think of a name that this guy liked even if he had been a bit time-pressed. 

He introduced himself to Finn as well and he was really starting to like their dynamic. They worked well together: Poe spotted a missile and Finn shot it to smithereens. They could make it.

Now they just had to gain enough distance and get back to Jakku. Finn wasn’t liking the idea though and Poe could sympathize with him. No one in their right mind would want to get down on a planet that was right next to the very ship you had just escaped from. But Poe had no choice. He’d have to get back to BB-8, no matter what it took.

“What? A droid?” Finn’s voice incredulous.

“That’s right. He’s a BB-unit, orange and white. One of a kind,” Poe said. As much as he liked Finn and wanted him to get to safety, he wouldn’t make compromises on this.

“I don’t care what color he is! No droid can be that important.”

“This one is, pal,” Poe said, finality in his voice.

Finn still tried to argue, but Poe wouldn’t budge. However, the argument had distracted both of them, and the fighter took a direct hit from one of the missiles and started hurtling down towards the planet.

On the bright side, now they had no other option than get back to Jakku.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus: If you look at the scene where Kylo Ren hears that the pilot has escaped, he looks and sounds pretty damn depressed. Suits the fic just perfectly.
> 
> Or maybe I'm just imagining it and seeing the scene through fic-colored glasses.


	18. Chapter 18

There was sand in his eyes.

And mouth.

Now that he really started to gather his bearings and think about it, it would have probably been easier to list places where there wasn’t sand. His underwear wasn’t one of them. 

Poe tried to sit up but strangely couldn’t. Then he realized that he was still strapped to the seat of the TIE Fighter. To add to his confusion, the TIE Fighter was no longer attached to the seat.

Then he remembered the blast they had taken from one of the cannons. The unstoppable fall towards the planet’s surface and how he had ejected them both from the fighter before they would be smashed into the ground. He had gotten Finn out first, making sure that he wouldn’t be trapped in the fighter as it made its way towards the unforgiving desert. Once he had been sure that Finn had gotten out safely and that his parachute had opened, he ejected himself from the cockpit. Though perhaps a bit too late for the landing to be comfortable. The impact had knocked him unconscious.

Poe blinked his eyes at the clear blue sky and tried the sitting up thing again. This time he opened the seatbelt first. 

He looked around and saw nothing but dunes everywhere he looked at. No sign of the fighter.

Or Finn. 

Poe really hoped that he was unhurt.

Poe glanced at the sun and tried to calculate his location in relation to Finn’s, but that wasn’t really working out. The sun was lower than it should have been. He must have been unconscious for longer than he had thought. If Finn had survived the fall, he would be well on his way away from the crash site. And if he had been heading towards Poe, surely, he would have reached him by now. 

So, he was on his own. He checked the seat for an emergency kit and was positively surprised to find a few ration bars and medical supplies. The latter he luckily didn’t need but the sustenance was welcome. He had lost track of when he had last eaten. He ate one of the bars to ensure that he wouldn’t collapse right of the bat when he started his trek towards civilization. Where-ever that may be. Possibly on another planet altogether. 

One setback with the kit was that there wasn’t any water, only a water filter, which would do him no good in the desert. Nevertheless, he took that with him as well, in hopes that he would find some sort of a puddle somewhere. After pocketing the filter, he climbed on one of the taller dunes around him to get a better look at his surroundings so that he could better decide on a direction he should head to.

However, to his misfortune, every direction contained nothing but sand.

A whole lot of sand.

Everywhere. As far as the eye could see. 

Now, that was discouraging. He’d just have to pick a direction and hope that he’d run into something. However, he had no idea how sparsely the planet was populated. There was a big chance that he’d never see another living thing again. 

He was determined not to think about it.

He decided on a direction and took note of the sun’s position so that he wouldn’t end up going in circles. And then he started walking.

The sun was merciless. He had been sweating even before he had started his journey, but now that he was walking he was getting dehydrated very quickly. At the moment, he was thankful for his light-colored loose shirt, but it wouldn’t do him any favors when the night eventually came. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky to trap the heat and most of the warmth would inevitably escape into space, since sand couldn’t hold heat very well. The temperature would drop drastically when the sun eventually went down. He would freeze. He missed his jacket. He missed Finn. The jacket had probably been destroyed when the fighter crashed into the ground, but he hoped that Finn was in a better condition.

It had been stupid to argue in the middle of the escape. Poe should have paid more attention to the missiles and instructed Finn better to get rid of them. Best pilot in the Resistance. As if. Two of his ships had been destroyed in less than a day. If he was their best, then they had no chance of winning this war.

He was getting the hang of all this feeling sorry for yourself business, so he decided to put it to good use by finally processing the thing that he had effectively pushed to the back of his mind as far as possible.

Ren was with the First Order. 

He had fallen in love with the enemy like an idiot. He had failed to notice any signs that Ren was anything but kind and considerate when they were together on Puulon. He was having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea that the same man he had laughed and kissed and danced with was the same man who had tortured him and invaded his mind without a moment’s hesitation. He had been unable to protect himself from him, completely at his mercy. Poe had never felt so helpless and violated in his life and it had been in the hands of someone he loved.

His knees gave out under him. This was too unfair. He wanted to cry, but the small sensible part that still remained inside of him told him that he shouldn’t worsen his dehydration by shedding tears that wouldn’t do him any good. What had he done to deserve this? Other than been a huge idiot for plunging into a relationship with someone he had just met. He should have known better than to trust anyone, especially with the war affecting nearly everyone in the galaxy. The reach of the First Order was a lot wider than that of the Resistance, so it was even statistically more probable that they would be on the opposing sides. He could’ve compromised the whole Resistance if they both had made it back to Puulon and he had told him everything. His little romance had had the potential to destroy the rebellion and give the First Order a free pass at gaining dominion over the galaxy. He felt sick. He had acted based on the instructions of his heart, not his head, and now he was paying for it. 

From what he remembered, Ren hadn’t extracted the information about the location of the base from his head when he had been searching for the map. He had been in too much of a hurry, but Poe had no doubts that it would have only been a matter of time before he realized that he could get all kinds of information out of Poe. If Finn hadn’t rescued him, he would have had no other choice but to kill himself to keep Ren from getting anything from him. The thought made him shudder. His options would have been limited on how to accomplish that. Biting off his own tongue didn’t seem like a pleasant way to go. If he somehow ever saw Finn again he would need to thank him more properly. 

Poe stood up again. If he wanted an even remote chance of thanking Finn, he would need to get out of this desert. He continued to head towards the direction he had decided on before his small breakdown.

He had walked for hours when he felt like he couldn’t take another step. The sun had nearly vanished below the horizon and the coldness was creeping in to take its place. Poe wasn’t sure if he would have enough energy to survive the cold night. 

There was a big dune just ahead of him. He would climb on top of it, and if he couldn’t see anything from there, he would call it quits and sleep there, even if it meant he was going to freeze. His legs wouldn’t be able to carry him any further. 

Every step in the slippery sand felt like agony but he finally reached the top. 

He looked around, fully prepared to see even more sand. 

But amongst that sand there was something else.

He saw a light.


	19. Chapter 19

The small glowing dot was quite far away but it was light nevertheless, and Poe could suddenly feel new energy in his reserves. He still had hope. Of course, he didn’t know whether the owners of that light were friends or foes, but Poe was in no position to be picky.

It took him ages to reach the source of the light. Once he got closer, he could see that it was coming from a tall lamp post that illuminated two small buildings, a scrapyard and several vehicles in varying conditions. 

And most worryingly of all: a guard dog.

The creature was massive and it had clearly noticed him. Its ears were perked up and it had risen to all fours. Poe tried not to look straight at it since he remembered hearing somewhere that dogs considered it impolite, but it was rather difficult not to look at something that had the potential to rip your throat open in a matter of seconds. The beast considered him for a while longer and then let out four booming barks that would alert anyone in a ten-mile radius if there was anyone present.

And then it started running towards him. This was it. This was how he would die. He had survived countless battles and even escaped from the First Order, but now his luck had run out. He would be ripped to shreds by a dog. The animal wasn’t very fast but Poe had no energy left to run away. He lifted his arms to protect his face and closed his eyes waiting for the inevitable.

Which was why he was quite surprised when he only felt a slight bump on his knee. He opened his eyes once again and saw that the dog was sniffing at him, but when it noticed that Poe was looking at it, it sat down in front of him and looked at him expectantly its tail wagging and its tongue lolling out. Poe slowly reached towards the dog with his hand and scratched it behind the ear experimentally. The dog seemed pleased and shuffled a little closer to Poe, who crouched in front of it so that he could reach better. 

“You don’t quite get this guard dog business, do you?” Poe said to the dog who was clearly enjoying the attention. Now that Poe could have a better look at it, he noticed that the dog was quite old, its muzzle gone almost completely white. “You wouldn’t like to tell me whether your owners are as nice as you?”

“No, we’re not,” someone said from behind Poe and he could hear the unmistakable sound of the safety being turned off. 

Well, at least he didn’t have to wait long for an answer. 

“What do you want,” the person behind Poe said. The voice sounded like it belonged to a girl and quite young at that, but Poe slowly lifted his hands up nonetheless. No matter her age, she was the one with the blaster and he was not. 

“Water, shelter, and a way to contact someone in space,” Poe listed while slowly standing up and turning around, his hands still up in the air. He could finally see the person who was threatening his life and he hadn’t been wrong in his assumptions. She was definitely young, possibly fourteen or fifteen. The dog was probably older than her. 

“Who are you?” The girl had a suspicious look on her face, but Poe couldn’t blame her. Being distrustful towards everyone was probably what kept you alive on a poor planet full of scavengers. 

“My name is Poe Dameron. I crashed my ship and have been wandering on the desert for hours looking for help.” He decided to leave out some of the details, like the ship being a TIE Fighter. That could raise some questions he wouldn’t know how to answer.

“Are you with the First Order?”

Now, that was a question Poe hadn’t been expecting. But what was the right answer? The girl didn’t look like she would be friendly with the Order, but Poe had learned the hard way that looks could be deceiving. He felt a twinge of pain in his chest as he thought of Ren. The girl raised her blaster a bit higher and the expression on her face grew even more suspicious. He had been thinking too long. He decided to tell the truth. 

“No, definitely not.”

“Prove it.” 

So, the answer had been right. But Poe had no idea how to prove anything to this girl. Except how he would easily pass as a First Order trooper, because he just remembered that he still had the items from the med kit of the TIE Fighter in his pockets. With his luck, they would undoubtedly have some discriminating emblems on them. If she saw those she would shoot him full of holes before he could even try to explain himself. He had nothing but the clothes on his back and they didn’t exactly have the Resistance logo embroidered on them. 

“I’m afraid I really don’t know how,” Poe answered, sticking to his honesty strategy. “But the First Order is our mutual enemy. This cut on my cheek was inflicted by some stormtroopers who were interrogating me. And then when they failed to get anything from me, their boss used the Force to mess around in my head. But I can’t prove any of that.”

“Kylo Ren used the Force to get inside your head?” she asked, surprised.

“Yeah. You know of him?” Poe hadn’t expected that. Ren had built more of a reputation than he had thought.

“Yes. Yes, I do. And I have the perfect way to check if your story is true. Please, don’t resist. It will only make it worse,” she said and lifted her other hand towards him. 

Exactly like Kylo Ren before he forced his way into his mind. 

No. Poe couldn’t do it again. He scrambled backwards trying to get away from her but he fell down on the slippery sand. He braced himself for the agony that was about to come. 

“You’re telling the truth.”

The pain never came.

“What? Did you see my mind just like that?” Poe asked. Had Ren’s attack left his mind in such a state that pretty much anyone could march in and see whatever they wanted without him even noticing? 

The girl sighed and lowered her weapon. 

“No. I don’t even know how to use the Force. But your reaction told me everything I needed to know. Anyone who has had their mind invaded is terrified of it happening again. And there’s no doubt you are. Your expression told me as much. Sorry, I tricked you,” she said and offered an apologetic smile. 

Poe blinked at the girl, trying to process what she had just told him. So, she wasn’t a Force user and his mind hadn’t been breached again. Relief flooded through him. He wasn’t sure he would have survived another attack. But then again, her trick raised other questions.

“How would you know something like that? Your pose was exactly like Kylo Ren’s,” Poe asked, almost afraid to hear the answer. Why would a young girl like her know what it’s like to have the Force used on you?

“Kylo Ren is no stranger on Jakku. I’ve seen it happen too many times,” she said with a tired look on her face. “But let’s go inside now. You must be thirsty.”

“I could about empty a lake right now. Thank you. And thanks for not shooting me.” Poe wanted to ask more questions, but getting something to drink was higher on his list of priorities right now. 

“You’re welcome,” the girl said, and Poe could see a hint of a smile on her face before she turned to face the old dog. “And you, Turbo, are the worst guard dog on this planet. You should have started barking when you noticed him coming miles away. I almost had a heart attack when I saw him outside! And there you were, getting him to pat you, you sly little thing.”

The dog, apparently named Turbo, gave a low ruff and then proceeded to lick his owner’s hand. The girl gave out a defeated groan and scratched the old thing behind the ears.

“I know, I know. You deserved it, you old charmer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, guys. I've run out of my buffer now and the next chapter is not ready yet, so it's possible there won't be an update next Saturday. I'll try to finish Chapter 20 by Saturday and keep updating weekly but unfortunately I can't make any promises. Writing has been a bit slow lately because I've been away from home and it's extremely difficult for me to write without complete solitude which I can basically only get in my apartment. But I'll try to use the short moments of alone-time I do have the best I can so that I can provide you with your weekly dose of feels and force-shenanigans :)


	20. Chapter 20

The girl led them inside and Poe learned that her name was Tonia. The main house was quite spacious with no one else inside apart from them. However, the floor was littered with mattresses which was a clear sign that she didn’t live alone and the sheer amount of them implied that it would be very crowded if every occupant was present. Which raised the question of why was she alone right now and why would anyone leave a teenage girl alone in a place like this. 

“Where’s everyone else?” Poe asked her after gulping down mouthfuls of water she had just offered him. 

“They’re scavenging a new wreckage we found last night. It’s a big one and we have to be quick if we want to get any of the good parts. It’s been tough lately. Everything around here has already been scavenged and so everyone is fighting over the same scraps. That’s why everyone else is there, but someone has to stay here and take care of the base. And since I’m the smallest and youngest I have to always do it,” she said, sounding completely fed up with the situation. “I never get to see the good stuff.”

“But you’ve seen Kylo Ren.” Poe decided that it was time to get some answers even if his heart started beating faster just from the thought of him. “Could you tell me more?”

The girl sighed and leaned against a counter. She refused to meet his eyes.

“There isn’t much to tell. We were on the market selling some parts when his ship arrived. He was looking for someone and tried to get the information from us, but no one knew who he was talking about. He didn’t believe we didn’t know anything and then he-.” Tonia’s hands clenched to fists at her sides as she recalled the events of that day. “He just reached his hand towards the first person he could see and used the Force to rummage through her mind. I’ll never forget her screaming.”

Tonia took a small break to collect her thoughts, and Poe stayed quiet waiting for her to continue. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to find out what happened next, but he needed to know. Even if it would hurt.

“When he didn’t find anything he switched to the next person. And the next. And the next. Until he reached my uncle. He’d become frustrated when he couldn’t find the information he was looking for and so he rammed deep into my uncle’s mind and burned everything in his wake. He still didn’t find anything so he gave up and left, but my uncle was never the same again.”

Poe listened to the story with horror. Every time he learned something new about Ren he seemed to find something even more terrible than he had previously thought. Poe was lucky he hadn’t received the same treatment as Tonia’s uncle but could have been only a matter of time. 

Tonia was fighting back tears so hard she started shaking and Poe could have kicked himself for making her go through this. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked,” Poe said, twiddling with the glass in his hand. 

“Nah. It’s okay,” Tonia answered and rubbed her eyes with her palms. “The more people know about his evil deeds the better. Though I guess you already knew what he is capable of.”

“If someone had asked me about it two days ago I would’ve had no idea.”

“I’m sorry it happened to you as well.”

“Don’t be. But you should definitely feel sorry for Kylo Ren when I go kick his and the First Order’s ass with the Resistance.”

“I don’t think I could do that even if that happened,” Tonia said and there was a small smile once again tugging at the corners of her mouth. But then it faded as quickly as it had appeared and was replaced with surprise. “Wait. Are you with the Resistance?” 

“I’m their best—uh.” The wreckage of the TIE Fighter hurtling down from the sky flashed through his mind. “Well, I’m a pilot. And I really need to contact them soon to let them know that I’m still alive. Is there any way I could make a transmission into space?”

“You’re in luck. We just salvaged a radio system and we were planning on selling it but then we found that new wreckage and have been focusing on that,” Tonia said as she made her way to the large working table in the corner. “I’ve been working on it myself. It should be operational, but I can’t make any promises.” 

Poe followed her to the table. The model of the transmitter was older than he had ever seen but it seemed to be in a good condition nevertheless. Tonia plugged the device in and a series of small lights lit up on the front panel. 

“So far so good,” Poe said and started pushing the buttons to find the correct frequency. He couldn’t encrypt his message but he hoped that the machine was so ancient that it would be untraceable. “This is Black Leader, can you hear me?” 

There was only the sound of white noise as both Poe and Tonia held their breath in anticipation. Poe adjusted the frequency slightly and tried again: “This is Black Leader, can you hear me?”

This time there was a slight crackle and then they heard a sound, clear as a day: “Base hears you, Black Leader.” 

Tonia let out a small whoop and Poe sighed in relief. 

“I made a crash landing on Jakku. I need someone to come and get me out of here.”

“Understood. Good to hear from you, Black Leader. I’ll arrange-- Yes, but General…” There were noises of shuffling on the line and then Poe heard the unmistakable sound of General Organa. 

“You’re alive.”

“Is that disappointment in your voice I hear?” Poe was glad to hear her voice, but he wasn’t looking forward to reporting to her about everything that had occurred during the mission.

“Shut it, Commander, and tell me what happened. I heard Lor San Tekka is dead and thought you were too.”

“Well, to be honest, I thought so too quite a many times, but yes, against all odds, I’m still alive. I got captured by the First Order but managed to escape with a little bit of help from a stormtrooper. He isn’t one of ours, is he?”

“What? No, I don’t think we have any stormtroopers in our ranks. What about the map? Did they get it?” 

“I gave it to BB-8 and told him to escape before I got caught. Unless they’ve found him, the map should be safe.”

“That’s a relief. We’ll send someone to come pick you up and then you can go look for your droid. And I expect a full report when you get back to base. But really, it’s good, to hear you’re okay, Poe.” 

Poe wasn’t exactly sure of that but he let that slide. The man he had talked with previously returned on the line and they worked out the specifics of his pickup. 

After a few hours Poe and Tonia heard the unmistakable sound of engines approaching them and went outside to see who was coming. Turbo let out a few lazy barks and then jogged to Tonia’s side deciding to ignore the new strange vehicle. The ship was a smallish cargo shuttle, frequently used by the Resistance and Poe could see Jessika Pava in the cockpit. 

“Yep, that’s my ride,” Poe said and glanced at Tonia who was crouched next to her dog absentmindedly petting him. Poe lowered himself to their level as well and scratched Turbo behind the ear but addressed his words to Tonia. “Thank you. For everything. Without you I would’ve been in huge trouble. Is there anything I can do to repay you?”

“Just give the First Order hell for me, will you? That’s all I really want”, Tonia smirked. 

“You can count on it.” 

Poe stood up from his crouching position and headed towards the ship. He stepped in through the door to the loading area and saw that the cargo hold was full of unidentifiable junk that looked slightly familiar. 

“Pava, what on earth is this?”, Poe yelled so that she could hear him in the cockpit. 

“It’s your X-Wing. Don’t you recognize it? I picked it up when I flew over the village where you left it. It’s unsalvageable but there might still be some parts we could use.” 

“Drop it here.”

“What?”

“I said: drop it here. It will be more useful for these people than it would be for us,” Poe said and made his way to the cockpit to sit next to the other pilot. 

“The Resistance is not made of money, Poe. We need every spare part we can get.”

“It’s my ship, so I decide. Besides, without her you’d need a spare pilot. She saved my life, Jess. I thought you’d think my life would be worth more than a pile of wrecked steel.”

“Low blow, Dameron,” Jess said and let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, I’ll open the cargo hold. I’ll need to get in the air to drop it though, since we don’t really have enough people to move it properly.”

“I doubt the drop could damage it any further.”

Jessika raised the ship in the air and after opening the hatch, the wreckage dropped from their hold with a terrible screech and landed where they had just lifted off. Poe looked out the window and saw Tonia staring at the wreckage like she couldn’t believe her eyes. When Jessika started to raise the ship higher, Tonia managed to move her gaze from the damaged fighter and looked at the ship that was slowly moving away from her. She met Poe’s gaze and yelled at the top of her lungs what Poe interpreted to be a thank you. Then she hugged Turbo tightly and the old dog waved his tail excitedly at his owner’s delight. A smile rose on Poe’s face. His old X-Wing would definitely be more appreciated here than it ever would in their scrapyard.

“Fine. I guess it found a better home here,” Jess said while raising the altitude.

“I knew it. You’re a softie after all,” Poe said and nudged Jess on the ribs. “Is that why you came to pick me up again as well? You’ve basically become my personal chauffeur.”

“In your dreams. Nah, I just happened to be close by, returning from another mission, so I volunteered to come get you. But now, let’s go find BB-8.”

“And Finn.”

“Who?”


	21. Chapter 21

“No. We don’t have time for this,” Jessika said with finality in her voice. 

They had been circling above the desert for a while looking for any signs of Finn or BB-8 when they had been invited back to join the fleet, after the Resistance had received a distress call from Takodana requesting for backup. The First Order had attacked, and they couldn’t fight them alone. They would need all the help they could get, but Poe insisted that they couldn’t give up their search. BB-8 could stand the desert climate (although he wouldn’t enjoy the sand), but there was no guarantee that Finn would survive the harsh temperatures for long. 

“We need to find him. He saved my life!”

“I thought the girl was the one who saved your life.”

“She did. My ass has needed a lot of saving these couple of days,” Poe nearly yelled the words. Finn had saved him. He had been the light at the end of his really dark tunnel, and now he had failed him. Poe knew he was being irrational, that their help was needed elsewhere, but he didn’t want to abandon Finn.

“Listen, Poe. We’re needed at Takodana. Think about how many more people we can save.” Jess’s tone was calm and persuasive, and it finally got through to Poe. 

“Just. Just once over the crash site. Please.”

“Alright. But we need to be quick.”

“Of course,” Poe said, defeated.

Poe instructed Jess to fly to the direction where he estimated the TIE-Fighter to be, but there was nothing that would indicate that the TIE had ever been there. He was certain that they were in the right place, but the fighter just wasn’t there. Nor Finn. 

“We really need to go now, Poe,” Jess said, and Poe could hear the pity that she tried to suppress in her voice. 

“Fine,” Poe answered with a heavy heart. He would come back as soon as he possibly could and to do that he would need to do his absolute best in the battle. 

He would show the First Order why they called him the best pilot in the Resistance.

***

Despite his determination, Poe was slightly nervous before stepping inside the cockpit, the wreck of the TIE-Fighter still fresh in his mind. His heart was thumping, but once he started the engines he felt like he had returned home again. He was glad to be sitting once again in his unique black T-70 and he felt that all his insecurities about flying flew out the window when he lifted off towards the sky. 

The battle didn’t last long after they arrived at the scene. The area around Maz’s temple had been in chaos, but after they had flown a few rounds above the battlefield, the enemy saw that they had no chances of winning this fight and retreated. 

Poe felt adrenaline surging through his veins. He had managed to take out several TIEs and who knew how many ground troopers, and he felt more like himself than he had in days. Poe was happy that he had been able to return to his element and that they had managed to win so quickly, but he was still in a hurry to get back to Jakku as soon as possible to go look for Finn and BB-8. 

Unfortunately, he was ordered to return to the base on D’Qar first.

He didn’t like that he was being stalled, so when he was climbing down the ladder of his X-Wing, he was already thinking how he could deal with his responsibilities in the base as quickly as possible. He was just handing his helmet to an employee of the Resistance when he heard a series of beeps that he would recognize anywhere and nearly caused his brain to short circuit from the surprise. 

“BB-8, my buddy!” Poe exclaimed as he saw his droid and rushed to him. He could have burst from joy. BB-8 was safe and back with him. But how was that even possible?

Before he could even ask, the droid told him that Finn had saved him, and Poe’s heart nearly stopped beating. Finn? Did that mean he was alive? He was just about to ask BB-8 more when the droid turned around to look the way he had come from, and sure enough, Finn was there. Alive and well. Poe couldn’t believe his eyes. First BB-8 and now Finn. All the stress that had cumulated during the last couple of days seemed to evaporate from his system now that he saw that they were both safe. He could have cried from relief but restrained himself and only ran to Finn to hug him tightly and to make sure that he really was there and that he wasn’t just a hallucination Poe’s fatigued mind had made up. Finn hugged him back, convincing him that it was truly him. Poe’s day had just become exponentially better. 

They were in a hurry to catch up, both just as excited to see that the other was still alive. Poe realized that Finn hadn’t only saved him but his droid now as well. And the map which would help them find Luke Skywalker. He would be forever indebted to this man. 

“You completed my mission, Finn.” Poe was trying to make him understand the significance of it all, since Finn was being unnecessarily modest about it, but then his attention was suddenly captured by something else. “That’s my jacket.”

“Oh,” Finn only said and started to take the jacket off, but Poe stopped him short. 

“Keep it. It suits you.” The jacket was the least he could give him for all he had done. Plus, he looked awfully good in it. “You’re a good man, Finn.” 

Poe was hoping that would cheer Finn up, since his expression had remained deathly serious the whole conversation, but if anything, it turned even more intense. He grabbed Poe’s shoulder and looked deep into his eyes. 

“Poe, I need your help.”

Poe was a bit surprised by the sudden request, but once Finn had explained the situation, he understood the urgency. He needed to go save his friend, Rey, who had been captured by Kylo Ren, and Poe would do anything he possibly could to prevent anyone from experiencing the same things he had had to endure in Ren’s hands.


	22. Chapter 22

Poe had relayed everything that Finn had told him to General Organa, and afterwards, Finn had disclosed everything he knew about the First Order’s new superweapon. Some of the Resistance members were suspicious and they had a hard time trusting a stormtrooper, but at this point, the information Finn gave them was the only thing that could help them take out the Starkiller base where the weapon was located, and they had had no other choice but to listen to him. 

Poe didn’t have trouble believing him. At this point, he would have trusted Finn with his life. 

Which he had done already, so maybe his opinion was a bit biased.

They had worked out a plan quickly. Finn would go to the enemy base together with Han Solo and Chewbacca on the Millennium Falcon to disable the shields and save Rey. After the shields were gone, Poe would come in with his squadron and hit the thermal oscillator with all they got, causing the core to de-stabilize and prevent the weapon from working. 

So far, everything was going according to the plan. The shields were down, and Poe’s squad could fly straight to the oscillator and fire towards the target. The spirits were high after several successful hits, but even though they were hitting the thing dead center nothing seemed to happen to it. 

“We gotta keep hitting it. Another bombing run,” Poe instructed his pilots. They couldn’t give up after one failed attempt. They would hit that oscillator as many times as was needed to get through it. The only problem was that they might run out of time, as the sun that the weapon was using as fuel was getting smaller and smaller, and when it was gone the weapon would be ready to fire. The consequences would be devastating, and Poe would do anything to prevent that from happening, but at the moment, he didn’t have any ideas how to accomplish that. What made things even more difficult were the TIE Fighters that had joined them and were now distracting them from hitting the oscillator. Poe managed to outsmart the fighter at his tail and make another run for the target but some of the others weren’t so lucky. He saw one member of his squadron blow up and nearly taking another X-Wing with him, but the other pilot managed to steer away from him just in time. 

Poe bit the inside of his cheek. He knew there would be losses, but he had never gotten used to it. And he didn’t want to. The day he did, he would be no good leading a squadron. 

Their team had managed to destroy several TIEs already, but they just kept coming. Poe dropped another one from the sky and went after the next. He had never had troubles blowing his enemies up to smithereens, but now he could only think about the fact that the troopers were probably a lot like Finn. Brainwashed by the First Order and involuntarily in this fight. Poe tried to deaden his feelings, but they were still there, lurking in the back of his mind. Another thing that he didn’t want to think about, was the fact that if and when they managed to destroy the weapon, it might cause the whole planet to implode and kill everyone who couldn’t get away in time. Including Finn. 

And Ren. 

Poe was relatively certain that he was on the planet, and if the planet got destroyed, then… It would be likely that he would go with it. Poe felt his stomach twist. Of course, he had tried to kill him once before, back on Jakku, but he hadn’t known it was him. But now. He would blow up this planet and knew fully well that he would kill the man with whom he had spent the happiest days of his life in the process. He could feel cold sweat drip down the back of his neck. How had his life turned out like this? 

And then there was Finn. There were no guarantees that he would be able to make an escape in time especially since he would need to find Rey first. The base was massive and finding one particular person was next to impossible. Thankfully, Finn was familiar with the base and probably knew where they kept prisoners, so he didn’t need to waste time wandering around the base. Poe wondered if he had managed to find her already. He knew at least that he had managed to get inside the base since their party had managed to get rid of the shields, but he hoped he would get out of there as soon as possible. Preferably, he was well on his way out already. 

Which didn’t seem likely as a member of his squadron pointed out that a new hole had appeared to the oscillator. It wasn’t the work of his team. Their attacks had been in vain, not a single scratch on the target. Which meant that the hole had been created from the inside and they had no other people in the base than Finn, Solo and Chewie. They were still on the planet. 

But Poe had no time to hesitate. The sun was almost gone, and the weapon would soon be ready to fire. He ordered another attack and his squad sped towards the target one last time. Once they were closer, Poe realized that he would need to go in alone since the space was too narrow for multiple fighters. He ordered his team to pull up and cover him from above while he rushed towards the opening. There was a TIE Fighter just behind him, and Poe didn’t have space to make a lot of evasive maneuvers, so he could only pray that he would reach the hole before he got hit. 

The breach was very narrow. Poe needed to fly sideways to get through and there was little room for error. He got through unscathed, but the TIE pilot wasn’t so lucky and crashed to the wall with a deafening explosion. Poe was now free to wreak as much havoc as he possibly could inside the structure and he was soon surrounded by a fiery storm. The place resembled hell more than anything and Poe needed to get out fast. He made it through the gap again, a trail of smoke behind him, his X-Wing a little crisp around the edges. 

Poe and his squadron were in a hurry to get away from the scene. It was clear that Poe had managed to make enough damage and the thermal oscillator exploded completely after only a few seconds. But that wasn’t all. The whole planet seemed to become unstable and it looked like it would collapse any minute now. Anyone who didn’t get out of there right now would be doomed. 

There were still a couple of TIEs following them, but their attacks were uncoordinated with the base in complete chaos, and Poe’s squad managed to wipe them out without difficulty. From his cockpit, Poe could see several ships taking off from the planet’s surface, the evacuation clearly in progress. Poe found himself hoping that Ren would be in one of those ships instead of on the planet where several cracks had begun to form on its surface. The thought caused a pang of guilt in his chest. He was part of the Resistance. He should be hoping that their attack got rid of as many higher ups in the First Order ranks as possible. 

He diverted his thoughts to Finn. It was easier to worry about him. He didn’t need to feel guilty about it. He hadn’t seen the Falcon or heard from their party since the beginning of their operation and the uncertainty was making him anxious. The planet was now in the state of completely collapsing. No one would survive there. 

And then he saw it. The shape was unmistakable. The Millennium Falcon was flying towards them. The chances of Finn being alive just ten-folded. He would be okay. He had to be. 

“All teams, I got eyes on them!” He was sure that everyone could hear the pure joy in his voice, but he didn’t care. The others shared his elation and Poe could hear their cheering through the comms. There couldn’t have been a better way to end a successful mission. “Our job’s done here. Let’s go home.”

They jumped to lightspeed after the Falcon and headed back towards D’Qar. 

Once they reached the ground, Poe was out of his X-Wing in seconds and rushing towards the Falcon. Everyone around him was celebrating their big victory and Poe promised them he would join them as soon as he saw that Finn was okay. 

He reached the ship and his heart nearly stopped when he saw Finn lying on a stretcher. There was a medical team rushing him towards the med bay, so he joined them, completely forgetting the celebrating people around him. Thank the Force, he was only unconscious, not dead. As they were moving, Poe saw that Finn had a wound on his shoulder, surrounded by scorch marks. Blasters didn’t cause wounds like this, and the only possible weapon that Poe could think at the moment was a lightsaber. 

One particular bright red lightsaber.

Poe could feel goosebumps rise on his skin. Unless he had interpreted this whole scene completely wrong, Finn had met Kylo Ren and survived. Poe heard the paramedics discuss Finn’s state and he found out that he also had a huge wound going across his back and it was basically a miracle that he was still alive. Poe’s knees nearly buckled at that, but he still kept escorting the stretcher until they reached the med bay where the doctors forbid him from coming any further. 

Poe sat down in the waiting room and buried his face in his hands. He was in no mood for celebration.


	23. Chapter 23

The following days after their big victory, Poe was swamped with work. He had countless reports to give, both about the battle and about his time being captured by the First Order. On top of that, nearly all of their X-Wings were in need of repairs, since most of them had been damaged to some extent by enemy fire or the explosion of the planet. 

Poe’s fighter had suffered some damage when he had flown inside the thermal oscillator and set it ablaze. The heat had wrecked some of the more delicate systems and the whole starfighter was covered in soot. Which was also the case with BB-8. The droid hadn’t been damaged but he had been in dire need of a thorough cleaning. 

Repairing his X-Wing was nearly therapeutic with the rest of his team working around him and even the reports had their soothing, dull familiarity, but there was one task that Poe wasn’t looking forward to and had always dreaded. He always left the task to be the last of the day because he knew that it would drain all his energy and he would be in down spirits the rest of the day. He needed to write to the families of the pilots who had been killed in action, and although he knew his words wouldn’t be able to lessen the pain of the grieving family members, he still wanted to do it properly and not use a standard form where you only had to fill in the name of the deceased. At the same time, it was probably a part of his own grieving process, since he knew all of his pilots very well and considered most of them as friends to at least some degree.

Every evening after he had completed a letter or two, he would go to the med bay and spend the rest of his waking hours at Finn’s bedside. Writing the letters left him exhausted and he couldn’t write very many per day but spending time with Finn helped him recover from the task. Finn still hadn’t woken up and although Poe wished he would wake up soon, he managed to enjoy the silent company the man offered even in his comatose state. He wouldn’t ask questions that Poe was too tired to answer, and Poe could easily unwind from the rough day. Socializing with the other pilots who were still high on their victory seemed like too much of a hazzle at the moment, and so Poe preferred staying in the quiet med bay, where the nurses would scold you if you made too much noise.

The days went by slowly. Poe had finished writing the letters and repairing his X-Wing, but the workload didn’t seem to lessen. He helped his fellow pilots with their own fighters and continued training the recruits he had been assigned earlier. He still hadn’t given his report to the General, but that was only because she was busy with her own duties. Apparently, blowing up an enemy base caused a lot of paperwork. Poe wasn’t looking forward to the conversation, but he would have liked to have it over and done with as soon as possible. However, the matter was out of his control and he would have to wait until his superior had more time. 

Poe still continued going to the med bay to sit by Finn’s side, but his silence was no longer calming nor comforting like it had been in the beginning. His wounds had been severe and there was always the possibility that he would never wake up, but Poe had to believe that Finn would make it. He was young and strong, and he had his whole life ahead of him now that he had gotten away from the First Order. But the more time passed the more anxious Poe felt at Finn’s prolonged immobility and silence. He would have liked nothing more but Finn to wake up as soon as possible, but there was nothing he could do but hope that Finn was stronger than the injuries he had sustained. 

One evening, Poe was sitting at Finn’s bedside as per usual, but the persisting silence was really starting to get to him. He grabbed Finn’s hand as if to assure him that he was there and hoping that the physical contact would help him wake up. But Finn remained silent and unmoving, almost looking like he had already forgotten how to return to his life among the living. 

Poe could feel tears rolling down his cheeks. He had refused them for so long, but now he could no longer prevent them from falling. He had wanted to cry a thousand times during the last few weeks, but he hadn’t let himself. Not when he had been captured. Not when he had learned of Ren’s true identity. Not when he had lost friends in battle and not when Finn had returned to D’Qar injured and unconscious. But now. His tears were running freely down his cheeks and he sobbed out loud still clutching Finn’s hand. All the stress that had accumulated in his system had finally reached its breaking point and Poe could do nothing to stop it. 

Everything was just too much. He couldn’t change the fact that Ren wasn’t what he thought he would be and what he had done to him any more than he could bring his friends back from the dead. Those facts would remain no matter what happened, and he had to learn how to live with it. He had a made a mess of his life, and he had no one to blame but himself. He had been a gullible fool when it came to Ren, and maybe if he had been a better leader to his squadron, the ones they had lost in battle would still be with them today. 

But there was still a chance that at least one thing would be alright. Finn could still wake up. He had to. He would wake up and show Poe that no matter how disastrous everything else in his life was, at least he would be okay. In a way it felt like if Finn could survive what Ren had done to him then Poe would as well. 

The tears were still falling down his face, but at least his sobbing had subsided. Poe wiped his face sloppily and then rested his head on the hand that wasn’t holding Finn’s. He looked at the peaceful expression on Finn’s face, but no matter how serene he looked, Poe missed the face that was so full of life such a short time ago. 

“I’ll do anything you want if you just wake up. Anything you want,” Poe whispered, his voice rough from crying. 

There was a silence that was only disturbed by the occasional beep of the machines around Finn and Poe felt his heart clench painfully. He cast his eyes down, not able to look at his friend’s unmoving face anymore. 

“Anything,” Poe whispered so quietly that he barely heard it himself.

“I’ll save that offer for later.”


	24. Chapter 24

Finn had slowly become aware of the presence of someone right next to him. He could hear distant noises, but he couldn’t quite figure out what they meant. But he knew that someone was with him. Had he died, and someone had come to welcome him to the afterlife? In that case, he must have ended up in hell as he suddenly became aware of all the pains in his body. The pain sobered him up a little and his senses were starting to co-operate with him again, although slowly. Plus, opening his eyes or moving even a single muscle still seemed like too much of an ordeal. But he could now hear the person with him more clearly.

“I’ll do anything you want if you just wake up. Anything you want.”

The voice sounded familiar, but Finn still had trouble arranging his thoughts. Was the person talking to him? Why would he be talking to him if he thought he was asleep? And who on earth could that person even be? No one in the First Order would be allowed to stay by another soldier’s bedside, and kriff, they would have killed him already for wasting their resources. So, if he wasn’t with the Order then where was he? Then his memory suddenly caught up to him and he remembered his escape with Poe, meeting Rey, the fight on Takodana, rescuing Rey with Han Solo and Chewbacca, Kylo Ren killing Solo. 

And their fight in the woods. Memories of the excruciating pain the lightsaber had caused when it burned through his shoulder came back with a full force. He could feel a twinge in his shoulder just from thinking about it. The pain had been followed by an all-encompassing sudden darkness after Ren had struck him in the back and he would have shuddered if his body had had the strength. Was it even possible to survive such an attack?

He wasn’t so sure that he was alive anymore. He would need to check. He opened his eyes slowly, the small movement demanding all his willpower. At first, he couldn’t see anything but white light, and he was suddenly certain that he really had died and arrived at the gates of heaven, but then his eyes adjusted to the light and he could see more clearly. He was lying in what was clearly a hospital bed, and next to him in the chair was Poe who was holding his hand and looking absolutely miserable. Of course, the one speaking had been Poe. Finn should have recognized his voice immediately, but to be fair, he hadn’t even known whether he was still alive just a moment ago. It was understandable that he was a little slow on the uptake. 

Finn looked at Poe, who had his head down, and tried to make his tongue work to inform him that he had in fact woken up as per requested, but the simple task was surprisingly difficult. 

“Anything.” Poe’s voice sounded so defeated that it tugged at Finn’s heart, and he forced his mouth to work.

“I’ll save that offer for later,” he managed to rasp even though his throat felt like sand paper. Maybe he should use that offer immediately, after all, to have Poe get him a glass of water. 

Poe nearly fell out of his chair. His eyes snapped up to look at Finn with such a disbelieving look that Finn had to wonder how improbable his awakening had actually been. But then Poe was already fussing over him, asking if he wanted any water (yes, please), was he in pain (also yes), and did he need any painkillers (hell yes). Poe went to get the nurse to inform her that Finn had woken up and that he needed some relief for the pain, but he returned to his side again in an instant.

After checking up on him, the nurse went to get doctor Kalonia, who was pleased to see that Finn had finally decided to wake up, even if he was still a bit drowsy. Apparently, he had been out of it for quite some time. She asked him a couple of questions about how he felt and what was the last thing he remembered, but after running some quick tests on him, she decided to perform a more thorough examination later when he had woken up a bit more. She left the room with the nurse, but Poe stayed by his side, and Finn realized that he was immensely grateful that Poe had been there when he woke up. Waking up from a coma in a strange place where he didn’t know anyone would have been an experience. But Poe was there, and he seemed happy that Finn was there too.

“Is there anything I can do for you, buddy?” he asked, leaning a little closer towards Finn. 

“I was wanting to save that offer where you promised to do anything I wanted for later. Use it for getting out of a bathroom cleaning duty or something. But maybe I’ll just use it now and ask you to stay to keep me company. I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do,” Finn said, realizing that talking was slowly becoming a little easier.

“Finn, you saved my life, you saved the Resistance. I’ll do anything you want for the rest of your life. That promise was not a one-time thing.”

“You may regret that.”

“Possibly. But a promise is a promise,” Poe laughed, but sobered up quickly. “No but really. I haven’t thanked you yet for everything you’ve done.”

“I think you promising to do whatever I want for the rest of my life says ‘thank you’ pretty clearly,” Finn said trying to lighten the mood but the look on Poe’s face remained deathly serious.

“Finn, I don’t think you understand the significance of everything you’ve done. Without the information we got from you we wouldn’t have known how to destroy the base, and even when we did, we couldn’t have blown it up without your help. If you hadn’t made that opening in the oscillator we would have been helpless to do anything. D’Qar and nearly the whole rebellion would have been wiped out,” Poe said and took Finn’s hand again, trying to get his point across. 

“I wasn’t the only one there. Han and Chewie set most of the bombs,” Finn said and looked anywhere but at Poe. He wasn’t used to praise. 

“There’s no reason to belittle yourself. None of us would be here right now if it wasn’t for you. You got me out of that Star Destroyer, you told us how to take out the Starkiller base, and you even managed to rescue your friend. The whole Resistance is indebted to you. Especially me. Who knows what would have become of me if you hadn’t gotten me out,” Poe said and smiled at Finn, squeezing his hand. “So, thank you, from all my heart,” 

They sat like that for a while. Poe explained what had happened after Finn had lost consciousness, and how Rey had gone to look for Luke Skywalker. Finn was disappointed to hear that Rey was gone, because there was no way to know whether he would see her again. She might decide to become Luke’s apprentice. She was supposed to try and persuade him to return to the Resistance, but he had stayed away for years and she may not succeed in her mission. But she might end up staying with him, and it was possible that they would stay on some far away planet for years training and trying to restore the Jedis, and who knew where Finn himself would be by then. He just had to hope that Rey would be able to convince the old Jedi master to return. He wouldn’t be the only one celebrating the event if it ever happened.

“How’s the General? Losing Han must have been tough on her,” Finn asked. He didn’t know her very well, but she had listened to him and believed him straight away when he told her about the Starkiller base. She seemed like a good person and Finn had immediately liked her. 

“Honestly, I don’t even know. She has buried herself in her work, so I haven’t seen her in ages. I was supposed to report to her for a while ago now, but she says that she has more pressing matters to deal with at the moment,” Poe answered, sighing slightly. 

“Maybe she just needs some time. Let’s hope that her brother returns soon. That might cheer her up.”

“I’d imagine so. What exactly happened to Solo? Chewie doesn’t want to talk about what went down in the base, and I never had the chance to talk to Rey before she left.”

“Kylo Ren killed him.” Finn could see Poe stiffen. “He lured him close to him and then pierced him with his lightsaber. It was horrifying.”

“I… I can imagine.”

“There couldn’t have been a crueler fate,” Finn said and shook his head, the memory fresh in his mind. “Killed by his own son.”

“His son?” Poe’s voice was nearly inaudible. He had gone impossibly pale. 

“Yeah, you didn’t know? Kylo Ren is Han and Leia’s son. His real name is Ben.”

“I didn’t.” Poe’s voice was only a whisper as he stared into nothingness and Finn was just about to ask what was wrong when Poe abruptly stood up. “I need to go.”

He stormed out of the room before Finn could say another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've passed one hundred kudos! You guys are amazing! Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that so many people would be reading (and hopefully enjoying) my story. Thank you so much!


	25. Chapter 25

Poe had to be dreaming. There was no way that what he had just heard could be true. That Kylo Ren was Han and Leia’s son. But the most messed up part was that in some twisted way it all made sense. This was the reason why the General had never told him everything he knew about Kylo Ren, even if Poe had suspected that she knew more than she was letting on. She couldn’t bear to tell him that the biggest threat to the Resistance was her own son. Poe was starting to think that the reason she had been avoiding him and practically everyone else on the base was that her secret was no longer safe. He wondered whether she had even asked Chewie to remain silent and not talk about what took place inside the Starkiller base. 

Poe was striding towards the General’s office. She would see him whether she wanted or not. 

Poe reached the area where her office was located, and he was just about to make his way to her door when he was suddenly stopped by her secretary. 

“She won’t be seeing anyone today. I suggest you try again later,” the man said with a stoic face. 

“She will see me. This meeting is long due,” Poe said and started towards her office again, but the secretary stepped in front of him and put his giant hand on his shoulder.

“I said: she won’t be seeing _anyone_ today,” he said and squeezed Poe’s shoulder with more force than was probably necessary. Now that Poe thought about it, he had never seen this particular secretary before. The one usually sitting behind the desk was small and shy looking, while this one was…. not. He must be new. “You should move along now, pal.”

“I’ll be moving along to the General’s office. We need to talk,” Poe said while removing the thug’s hand from his shoulder and then dodging under his arm. He sprinted towards his destination and he was just about to reach the door handle when the brute caught him in a bear hug and stopped him from opening the door. Poe struggled in his grip, but the man was twice his size and the only thing he could do was yell obscenities at him. It didn’t work.

The man started carrying Poe away from the door, the bodylock still tightly in place and Poe’s feet dangling in the air. Poe was just considering the benefits of just kicking him in the knee, when the door to the office opened and an exhausted looking General came through it. 

“What is all this racket? Justen, didn’t I tell you that I was not to be disturbed?”

“Yes, ma’am. I was just about to remove the disturbance.” The man turned around to address the General, Poe still in his arms. Judging from the fact that he wasn’t at all out of breath, Poe weighed nothing to him, and his struggles hadn’t even managed to make the guy sweat. Poe sighed. There was no chance that he would be getting through this guy on his own.

“Please, Leia. I really need to talk to you.” Maybe if he couldn’t get to her as a soldier, he would be able to reach her as a friend. He summoned his best puppy dog eyes, and the effect was probably multiplied by the fact that Justen was still clutching him, not unlike someone who was trying to prevent an overexcited dog from running to sniff at someone who had just arrived. 

The General looked at him tiredly for a few seconds but then sighed and waved Justen to release him.

“Fine. Let him go, Justen. I’ll see him,” the General said and turned around to return to her office. 

Justen dropped Poe to his feet, who rubbed his arms which had nearly lost all their feeling. The grip had been tight.

“Sorry for the rough treatment, buddy. I take my job seriously,” Justen said and took a step towards Poe to whisper in his ear. “She hasn’t been feeling so great lately, you must understand. So, I’ve been doing everything I can to help her.”

“No hard feelings. It’s been a while since I’ve been hugged like that. Really needed it.”

Justen laughed at that and patted Poe on the shoulder before returning to his post. Poe took a deep breath and went after the General. 

Poe stepped through the door and had to do a double-take when he saw the room. He had never seen the General’s office in such a state. 

It was so…. clean. 

The papers were stacked in tidy piles on her desk, and all the imaginable office supplies that were usually strewn across the room were all in their respective holders. There wasn’t a speck of dust visible anywhere.

She was not okay.

“What can I do for you, Commander?” she attempted to sound stern and official, but she failed miserably, the usual energy gone. Now that Poe looked at her, he could see that she had dark bags under her eyes and that her hair was tied up in a messy bun instead of any of her meticulously crafted hairdos. Suddenly, he felt guilty for barging into her office, but she was already mentioning him to sit down. 

“I… I wanted to talk to you,” Poe managed to stutter. 

“I understood as much. Go on.”

“I’m sorry for your loss. Han was a great man,” Poe said after a short silence, not knowing how to approach the subject he actually wanted to talk about.

“I know. But I’m sure you didn’t fight my secretary just so you could offer your condolences.” The tone of her voice told Poe that she really wanted this conversation over and done with.

Poe swallowed, but gathered his strength. Although he didn’t want to make his General feel even more miserable, he knew he would have to clear this matter once and for all.

“You knew that Kylo Ren is your son.”

“Of course, I knew that. I may not be much of a mother, but at least I know where my offspring is.” 

He had hit a nerve, that much was obvious, but he kept going anyway.

“In the First Order in this case. And you chose to withhold that information.”

“What good would it have done to spread that information around? Do you think anyone would stay with the Resistance if they knew that their greatest enemy is the son of their general? The son who has killed countless of their friends and caused them immense suffering? I have more self-preservation skills than that, Poe.”

“You could have told me,” Poe said, and he could feel anger rising in his system. He was a commander, he should know of these things. But he had also thought that they were close, other than in terms of military ranks. 

“Don’t interpret this as a lack of trust in you. It was easier to keep this information from everyone, rather than sharing it with a few chosen individuals. What would you have done with that information, anyway? It would only make you hesitate if you ever had the chance to take him out,” she said dismissively, and Poe could almost see the logic behind her reasoning. But not quite.

“I have my very own reasons for hesitating if it ever comes to that,” Poe said quietly, and saw her raise a questioning eyebrow. It was time to tell her everything, even if she didn’t want to share her business with him. He was tired of secrets. “I’ve met him before.”

“What do you mean? You never met as children, I’m pretty sure of that,” the General said with a confused look on her face.

“No. We were definitely not children,” Poe laughed, but it was without humor.

“Then how?”

“You remember that time when I asked for another vacation even if I’d just returned from one? Well, it was to go see him, because I had met him during my first, and I guarantee that childhood innocence was far from what we did during that time. We met on my first day there and were inseparable ever since. I thought he was the greatest guy I had ever met and fell for him embarrassingly fast. He just failed to tell me that he was actually Kylo Ren.” Understanding was dawning on her face and her expression became more shocked the more Poe kept talking. He had started to raise his voice without even noticing. “We agreed to meet again, so I asked you to grant me a few days off after completing my mission, but as you know, that never happened, because I was captured by the First Order. But lo and behold! I still managed to meet my mystery man again, although admittedly, the atmosphere was not quite as romantic as it had been on Puulon.”

The silence was deafening. Poe felt all the energy he had had during his monologue leave his body, and all that remained was an empty shell. 

“I’m so sorry, Poe,” the General finally said, her voice full of sadness. As Poe had suspected, he had only added to her pain. He hadn’t wanted that, but they couldn’t avoid the matter anymore, even if it hurt.

“He tortured me,” Poe said and buried his face in his hands. “He tortured me and then said he loved me. What kind of a sick fuck does that?”

Again, a long silence greeted him. This wasn’t exactly how Poe had planned on giving his report but at least the main points had come across. Still, he probably would have to submit a more thorough version in paper at some point. 

“I don’t know what to say, Poe.”

“You don’t need to say anything. I just wanted you to listen. I can’t deal with all these secrets anymore.”

She sighed.

“Even if it’s difficult to admit, I must say you’re right. I should have told you what happened to Ben a long a time ago. Maybe we could have avoided some of these tragedies if I’d been more honest with you. From now on, I promise I won’t keep such things from you.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Poe said and looked back up, managing to smile a little.

They discussed a few more things, but when Poe was about to leave the office and was nearly at the door, the General stood up and walked to stand in front of him.

“If it means anything to you, I would have loved to have you as my son in-law. And Han would’ve as well.”

Poe felt the tears prickling in his eyes again and he hugged her tightly. This was clearly becoming a habit. He remembered doing this the last time he left her office. But this time the General hugged him tightly back, and Poe enjoyed the proximity, which slightly eased the pain the same person had caused the both of them.


	26. Chapter 26

It was time for Finn to get out of the medbay. Poe was there to escort him, as they had agreed that he would become Poe’s roommate since his room had an extra bed. Finn was no stranger to sleeping in the same room with other people since he had lived his whole life in barracks with dozens of other troopers sharing the space, but he was still somewhat nervous. What if Poe started thinking he was annoying? Finn had learnt from experience that sometimes when you were in close quarters with someone for a longer period of time, you started to get on each other’s nerves. Especially those who weren’t as used to sharing their living space. Poe had had a room of his own ever since he became a commander and the extra bed was there only because all the rooms had two beds. 

They arrived at the room after a bit of a detour. The doctor had told him to walk as much as possible, so his muscles could get the exercise they so desperately craved. Poe had shown him around the base, walking him past the cafeteria, the gym, and even all the way to the hangars, but his back had started protesting at that point and they had made their way to Poe’s room. Or their room now. As long as Poe could tolerate his presence. 

He hoped he was fretting over nothing, as Poe seemed genuinely happy to have someone to share his room with after inhabiting it alone for so long. And to be perfectly honest, Finn couldn’t imagine sharing a room with anyone but Poe, even though he was used to bunking with relative strangers. But here everything was so different. In the First Order, everyone had the same routines and procedures they would follow when it came to eating, sleeping, and well, basically everything, but here people seemed to come and go as they pleased. They greeted each other in the hallways and stayed in the cafeteria to chat even if they had already finished eating. In the First Order it would have probably been considered loitering and you could have gotten in trouble. All this freedom, while exciting and welcome, was still kind of foreign to him, and he was glad that he had someone he knew by his side. 

Poe showed him the code that was needed to open the door of their room, and they went inside. To Finn’s surprise, the space was surprisingly clean. For some reason he had thought that Poe would be a messier type, but apparently, he had been wrong. 

“I may have cleaned up a bit, when I heard that I’d have a new roommate,” Poe said as if reading his thoughts. “It’s not usually this well sorted out, but I’m not a complete pig either, I promise.”

“I’ll be the judge of that. You’re talking to a man who spent years in sanitation.” 

“Oh yeah, you’re an expert. I’ll leave the cleaning to you then, in the future,” Poe laughed.

“Yes, of cour-- Ooooh, what a shame, with my back like this, there’s no way I’ll be able to do it. I’m afraid the broom is all yours for the time being,” Finn said theatrically and started inspecting the bed that looked like it hadn’t been used by Poe and flopped down on it. “In fact, it’s telling me to rest right now.”

“But Dr. Kalonia told you to exercise as much as possible. Just think about how good it would be on your back,” Poe said and sat at the foot of Finn’s bed. 

“Nope, I really don’t think so. I think I’ve started to develop a chronic cleaning-related backpain. It’s probably for the best if you deal with it.” 

They were already arguing about chores like they’d been roommates forever. Finn hoped that it was a good sign. 

They kept the banter going for a while, but soon Finn felt his eyelids go heavy. He had been sleeping a lot since he woke up from his coma, and you’d think that being unconscious 24/7 would have been enough sleep, but no. Apparently it took a lot of energy for his body to repair the wounds, so sleeping all the time was inevitable. He yawned magnificently, and Poe took the hint immediately.

“Take a nap. I’ll wake you up when it’s time for lunch,” he said and patted him on the knee before getting up.

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” said Finn, who could barely hold his eyes open anymore. He heard Poe sit down at his desk and Finn guessed he was probably about to do some paperwork while he slept. 

The light tapping noises on the holopad lulled him right to sleep.

***

Finn woke up sometime later. He had no idea how long he had been asleep, but probably not terribly long, since Poe hadn’t woken him up yet. He opened his eyes and saw that Poe was still sitting at his desk his back turned to him, but he had stopped typing and was now just staring at the wall without really seeing it, leaning his head on his hand. 

Finn had to admit to himself that he had never met someone quite like Poe. He was so kind and caring that just thinking about him raised a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest. Poe had had no obligation to stay with him in the medbay and Finn was sure that he could have spent his time more productively, but nevertheless, he had sat by his bedside and kept him company during his stay. Although they had felt a sort of camaraderie from the moment they met, they had come to know each other better during that time. They had told each other stories from their pasts and played games to pass the time, and it hadn’t taken long for Poe to suggest that Finn would move to his room once he was discharged. Finn had been quick to accept the offer, since he had really been looking forward to spending more time with Poe, as they seemed to click so well, and Finn genuinely enjoyed every moment he spent with Poe. Although the circumstances when they met hadn’t been the best, it had still built a solid base to their relationship. Despite all the praise Poe showered him with, Finn’s chances of getting away from the Finalizer would have been terribly slim if the prisoner had been anyone but Poe. He had to thank him for his life as much as Poe thanked him for his. 

And he wasn’t bad looking either.

So yeah, he was more than happy to see Poe the first thing he woke up and hoped that would be the case from now on. However, his stomach was telling him to stop day-dreaming and get something to eat. 

“Is it lunchtime yet?” Finn asked and saw Poe start at the sudden, silence-breaking question.

“Yeah. Good thing you’re awake. I would have woken you up soon anyway,” Poe said while turning around to face Finn.

“Good. I’m starving. Did you finish whatever you’re working on?”

“Nah. I’m barely halfway. I was writing a report on my mission on Jakku. Which you finished, by the way, so maybe you should finish the report as well,” Poe said and grinned at him. 

“First you try to delegate your cleaning duties to me and now you’re trying to make me write your report. I’m starting to think you had ulterior motives for wanting a roommate,” Finn said and sat up on the bed. 

Poe laughed at that and stood up from his desk, stretching a bit. Finn couldn’t help but notice, how his muscles flexed under the thin shirt he was wearing, and Finn had to quickly redirect his eyes back to his face. No, he wouldn’t make his new roommate uncomfortable by eyeing him up, when they hadn’t shared the room even a day. 

“Come on, let’s go eat,” Poe said and gestured him to follow. Finn kept his eyes strictly above the waistline. 

***

The first thing Finn noticed about the cafeteria was that it was loud. Very, very loud. Talking with people wasn’t exactly forbidden in the First Order mess halls either, but usually everyone kept quiet, so they would not draw any attention to themselves. But here, everyone was talking freely with their friends, exclaiming and gesturing wildly with their hands when they got excited. It was a lot to take in, but it wasn’t too overwhelming, since Poe was with him and he seemed comfortable and right in his element in this crowd. A lot of people said “hi” to him, and Poe greeted them back while they were walking towards the line. Finn had guessed that Poe would be popular but hadn’t quite realized to what extent, and he suddenly felt a little insecure about himself. He could see that everyone who greeted Poe would also stare at Finn when they walked past, and Finn felt eyes following him all the way across the room. What would they all think about him, a former stormtrooper? 

“Everyone’s curious to finally see the savior of the Resistance,” said Poe, who seemed to have noticed people looking as well. “They don’t mean any harm. They’re just not very subtle about it.”

“You sure it’s not because the poster boy of the Resistance is hanging out with a stormtrooper?” Finn said while glancing over his shoulder again. Yup, they were still looking.

“I’m not a poster boy and you’re not a stormtrooper anymore,” Poe laughed and took a tray, ready to get some food. “At least I hope so. Not planning on returning to them, are you?”

“Not after seeing all these foods. It smells delicious! What is all this?” Finn exclaimed as it was their turn to get something to eat. Everything was so colorful and there were options. You didn’t just have to accept whatever gruel they happened to hand to you. The food in the First Order wasn’t bad per se, but it was about as unimaginative as food could possibly be. And even when he had been staying in the med bay, he was only allowed soup, since he had been on a liquid diet after being in a coma for so long. But he was ready to move on to solids now and his stomach couldn’t be happier about it.

Poe explained to him what the different dishes were and what they contained, and Finn couldn’t wait to try it all. He was about to do just that, but unfortunately Poe stopped him.

“Maybe don’t mix all these together. The culinary experience might be too out of this world,” Poe said and took some kind of stew on his plate.

“But I can’t decide what to pick!”

“Just choose one and then if you’re still hungry after it, you can come get another round.”

Another great thing about the Resistance, apparently. With the Order they had strict rations for everyone. 

Finn chose a dish and then followed Poe to a vacant table. They sat down, and Finn couldn’t wait to dig in. He took a first bite of his food and he was sold.

“Yup. Definitely staying with the Resistance. The food is superb,” Finn said and continued shoveling food in his mouth. 

Poe gave a small laugh at that, but Finn could tell his heart hadn’t been in it.

“Is something wrong?” Finn asked, worried.

“No, not at all. It’s just… All joking aside, have you decided what you want to do when you’ve recovered?” Poe asked, pushing his food around on the plate. 

Finn took a minute to think about what to answer. He would be lying if he said that he hadn’t thought about just running away the second his back would allow it, but at the same time, a growing part of him wanted to stay. He wanted to get away from this war, but there was nothing for him outside of it. At least if he stayed, he would still have Poe and a general who seemed to actually care for her troops. And he would have a greater chance of seeing Rey again. The ease of the decision surprised even him.

“I can’t lie. I’m tired of fighting,” Finn said and saw Poe’s face fall. “But I do want to stay.”

“You don’t have to fight. You can act as an informant. I’m sure we could use your knowledge of the First Order,” Poe rushed to say, clearly eager to see Finn stay. “Or we could find you something else to do. Whatever you want.”

“As long as it isn’t sanitation, I’m game.”

“I’m sure we can figure something out,” Poe said and smiled in such a way that it caused Finn’s stomach to flip. Maybe Poe was a bigger motivator in his decision to stay than he had originally thought. “But if you’re gonna stay, we need to get you some new clothes.”


	27. Chapter 27

After they had finished eating, Poe led them towards the basement, where their gear storage was located. Finn wouldn’t be needing any type of tactical gear, since he wasn’t going to see action any time soon, but he didn’t possess any civilian gear either. At the moment, he was wearing one of Poe’s shirts, since the shirt and the jacket he had worn on the Starkiller had both taken quite a bit of damage from Ren’s lightsaber, and wearing his hospital gown would have probably caused some raised eyebrows. But the shoes and the pants were the ones he had had with him since he escaped the Order, even though it was clear that they had seen better days. 

Poe would have gladly borrowed him any piece of clothing he owned without hesitation since they were about the same size, but he thought that it would probably be better if Finn had more things that he could call his own. The Resistance had quite a collection of civilian clothing, since they often received donations from people who didn’t want to show their support directly but still wanted to help the cause somehow. And of course, there were the clothes that were left behind when they lost their soldiers in action. Even if the thought of wearing dead person’s clothes felt chilling, they couldn’t afford these things going to waste. They couldn’t exactly go shopping for clothes whenever they felt like it.

They found the person responsible for the storage and Poe greeted her cheerfully.

“How’s it going, Temmy? Do you even leave this place anymore? Haven’t seen you on the surface in days,” Poe said.

“There’s nothing for me up there,” Temmy answered solemnly. But soon she started to smile, and her façade was broken. “Nah, I go up. It’s you who can never be seen anywhere. But I trust you’ve been busy.” She glanced at Finn.

Poe cleared his throat awkwardly.

“I guess you could say that. Got any clothes for our newest member?” Poe asked and gestured towards Finn. 

“I would imagine so. This is a clothing storage after all. Follow me.” 

They walked along hallways that were lined up with different sized storage units, until they finally reached the one Temmy was looking for. 

“This one’s full of civvies. Just choose whatever you like. Go nuts,” Temmy said to Finn, who seemed to look at the crowded storage unit in awe. Poe imagined it must have been a bit of a shock, seeing all these pieces of clothing, all in different colors and shapes. An average stormtrooper’s wardrobe probably didn’t have much variation.

While Finn was rummaging through the unit, Poe turned towards Temmy. 

“You got that thing I talked to you about?” he said in a low voice so that Finn wouldn’t hear.

“It’s at my desk. I’ll give it to you when he’s ready with the clothes,” she whispered back.

It took a while for Finn to decide which garments he wanted, and twice Temmy sent him back to the storage to pick more. 

“It won’t do for the savior of the Resistance to wear the same clothes every day. Plus, you’ll thank me when you don’t have to do laundry every other day.”

After Temmy was satisfied that Finn would have enough clothes to last a lifetime, they made their way back to the front of the storage area, where Temmy circled around her desk and pulled out a bundle of leather from one of the compartments. She handed it to Poe, who after briefly inspecting it, offered it to Finn in turn. 

“It’s still yours if you want it,” he said, watching Finn take the package from him. “It was pretty badly damaged, but Temmy here managed to mend it back together.” 

The look on Finn’s face as he realized that he was holding Poe’s old jacket gave Poe the same feeling as the first time he had gifted Finn his jacket. Seeing him happy caused a sense of elation go through him as well. 

“I promise to take better care of it from now on,” Finn answered and put it on. He still looked as good as the first time Poe had seen him in it. 

“Which means taking care of yourself. No getting stabbed with lightsabers from now on. Deal?”

“Deal,” Finn said with such confidence that Poe felt goosebumps rise on his skin. 

***

They finally moved the base. It had taken quite a while to pack everything and organize their transfer to the new planet, but in the end, everyone and everything had successfully been brought along to their new home. Every additional day they had spent on D’Qar had given their enemies time to organize their troops and prepare for an attack, but the General had counted on them to not act just yet, after such a huge loss on the Starkiller. She had gambled well, and they managed to take everything they wanted with them and didn’t need to abandon valuable things in the usual rush of evacuation. 

The new planet was nearly identical to D’Qar. Rolling green hills surrounded the new base and the clouds never seemed to leave the sky. Poe suspected that this had played a part in the selection of their new planet, since it would be harder to notice them from the space unless you knew where to look. The base itself was also pretty similar to the old one, which Poe was glad about. He had grown fond of the base on D’Qar, since they had stayed there for quite a while and it had started to feel a lot like home. 

Finn recovered at an amazing speed. He didn’t need to sleep so much anymore, which gave him time to exercise more, which in turn sped up his recovery process even further. He spent nearly all of his spare time at the gym, trying to make sure that every ounce of muscle he had lost during his idleness came back stronger than ever. 

Poe followed his progress and soon realized that Finn had already surpassed him when it came to lifting weights, even though he claimed that he wasn’t even at his usual level yet. Poe felt a tiny twinge of envy at that, but then he remembered that Finn was years younger than him and was content with just witnessing his impressive transformation. His back or shoulder didn’t seem to bother him at all anymore, and all that reminded them of Ren’s attack was the huge scar that ran along Finns back and which moved in synch with the flexing muscles whenever Finn was training. Poe found himself often forgetting his own workout and just staring at the other man, fascinated by the pure concentration that Finn aimed towards any task.

They were once again at the gym, Finn concentrating on his training and Poe trying his best not to gawk at the weights Finn loaded on his barbell. He had just managed to pick his jaw off the floor when Jessika Pava walked in. Poe had introduced Jess and Finn to each other quite soon after Finn had gotten out of the medbay and he had been glad to notice that the two seemed to get along well. Sometimes they even hung out together without him when he was busy with other stuff, and Poe was very pleased at this development. It would be good for Finn to have other friends in the base than just him. 

She was delighted that she had found them there and demanded that one of them should spar with her. “I haven’t trained close combat in ages. If I need to fight someone on the ground I might as well just keel over without a single punch exchanged. Come on Poe, get over here! I know you’re just as rusty from sitting in the cockpit,” she said and gestured towards the foam mat intended for this purpose exactly. 

“I’ll have you know that I’ve actually seen some action in the ground recently, unlike you, Testor. Consider yourself warned,” Poe answered and walked to the mat. He was eager to go hand to hand with Pava after such a long time. Their team had used to do this more frequently, but when it became clear that they didn’t actually need the skills that often, they had just forgotten about it. 

“Yeah, in Jakku. When you got captured. Good job with that one.”

Ouch. 

“Bring it on, Pava,” Poe said and gestured to her that he was ready. 

They danced around each other for a long while until Jess finally made her move and grabbed at Poe’s shirt trying to make him fall, but Poe’s balance didn’t waiver. This gave him an opening and he grabbed at her wrists, but Jess sprung free before he could get a proper grip. They continued their match for a while, trying to make the other fall, but none of them would budge. Finally, Pava’s concentration broke and Poe managed to sweep her feet from under her and pinned her to the mat. Jess cried in outrage, but there was no question about who had won the match.

“Match against the winner?” Finn had walked up to them at the edge of the mat and looked questioningly at the duo on the ground. 

“Kick his ass, Finn. He cheated somehow, I know it,” Jess said grudgingly and climbed up from under Poe. 

“You know I didn’t. Don’t be a sore loser, Testor,” Poe said with a little pride in his voice. The win had felt good. He had always been one of the best in their team’s sparring sessions, but Jess hadn’t been far behind. Finn, however, was someone he had never fought against. He was clearly stronger, younger and sturdier than him, but Poe trusted his skills. He had a feeling that it would be a tight match.

“On my mark,” Jess said from the sidelines. “Ready?”

“Ready,” they answered in unison.

“Go!”

Poe saw a flash, then felt something connect with his shoulder and the next thing he knew he was lying on his back on the ground with Finn straddling him. Jess was laughing his lungs out and Finn looked at him sheepishly. Poe felt his cheeks burning, but it wasn’t as much from the shame of losing the match so quickly but from the proximity, which was weird since Poe had sparred with his friends countless of times and the closeness had never bothered him before. Finn’s warm weight on top of him felt good, and Poe would have liked to stay like this for longer, but Finn was already getting up, offering his hand to Poe to help him up as well. Poe took the offered hand and the new contact sent another pleasant sensation through his body. 

He didn’t understand. Could he already be developing feelings for someone? That couldn’t be it. He had hardly gotten over Ren and had no interest in getting involved with anyone. Preferably ever again. The risk of getting hurt again was too high. He’d rather stay alone for the rest of his life than subject himself to another case of Ren. Finn was the sweetest creature on this side of the galaxy and Poe wanted to believe that he would never do anything to purposefully hurt him, but he had believed the same from Ren. And look where that had gotten him. Poe decided that it was just his fucked-up brain trying to get close to anyone that happened to be around at this point, to ease the pain the man he had trusted had caused. He had been too hasty and careless when he had rushed into things without thinking the last time, and he had gotten what he deserved. This time, his head would have the reigns and he would put a stop to his feelings at once. 

“Nice job, Finn! That was like, what, one and a half seconds?” Jess exclaimed when she had managed to stop laughing. 

“I feel like I cheated. Hand-to-hand combat used to be a big part of my training regime,” Finn said apologetically. 

“Maybe you could teach a thing or two to our ground units,” Poe said and rubbed his back. It had taken quite a hit when he’d been thrown into the mat. 

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Finn said with a hint of concern in his voice. He was just about to touch Poe’s back, but Poe flinched away from his touch and brushed it off like it was nothing.

“No, no. My pride is the only thing that’s taken any damage. But I think that was enough excitement for me for one day. I’m gonna hit the showers,” Poe said and all but fled the scene. 

He hadn’t been in the changing room for long when he heard someone come in. To his surprise it was Jess, who had a puzzled look on her face. 

“What was that all about?” she asked.

“This is the men’s locker room if you haven’t noticed,” Poe retorted, not willing to talk about what had just transpired. He should have known that Jess would see straight through him. 

“Yeah, I noticed. I’m not blind. And neither is Finn. First, you blush like a virgin when he manhandles you to the carpet, and the next second, you flinch away from his touch and run away from him.”

“I didn’t do any of that,” Poe muttered, looking at his feet.

“Yes, you did. You’re like an open book. As easy to read.” Poe shivered at the thought. He had bad memories of having his mind read. “Is this because of the man you told me about? The one you met on Puulon. Are you afraid that you might end up cheating on him with Finn if he so much as touches you? What happened with him anyway? I take it you didn’t have time to meet him, since you got captured on your mission and then there was the whole Starkiller business.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh my god, you missed him, didn’t you? I’m so sorry! You never had the chance to meet and now you have no way of contacting him. Maybe you could go to Puulon anyway and hope that he’s there. And if he’s not, then you could leave him a message there somehow. You could –”

“I met him, alright. Now, leave it,” Poe said coldly, ready to end this discussion here and now.

“What? But how? You told me you’d go see him if you had time after your mission. There’s no way you could’ve –”

“I said: leave it!” Poe shouted and punched the nearest locker, causing a deafening clang to sound across the room. That shut her up. “I told you I don’t want to talk about it. Now, leave me be.” Poe didn’t bother changing his clothes and just grabbed all his belongings with him. He marched out of the room, leaving a shocked Jess in his wake.


	28. Chapter 28

Poe ran along the hallways, clutching his clothes in his hand, trying to figure out where to go. He wanted to get away from people, but he couldn’t return to his room yet. Finn would be heading there next, for sure. He couldn’t face him yet. The hangar might be empty at this time of the day, but he couldn’t be entirely sure, so he ruled that one out as well, even if that was the place he usually holed himself in whenever he wanted some time for himself. 

He decided to head outside. There had to be some place where he could be alone for a few moments and gather his thoughts. He wasn’t himself, he had noticed that much when talking – no, shouting – to Jess. He felt ashamed. Jess hadn’t deserved that. She had just wanted to help, but Poe had been too out of it to see it. 

He arrived at a hill near the base. You could see a small lake in the distance from there, and Poe would have preferred to just run straight into it and disappear forever, but he was already out of breath and he just sank down where he stood. He tried to regain his breath, but his throat felt tight and it was hard to breathe. His eyes stung, but he told himself that it was just the lack of oxygen and it would all pass once he had learned how to get air in his lungs again.

After a while, he started to calm down, but the pressure in his throat and chest hadn’t gone away like he expected. 

“Fuck,” he whispered to the wind and looked at the calm lake, hoping that it would somehow transfer its tranquility to him. 

“You calmed down yet?” 

Poe spun around on his spot and saw that the General was standing behind him. He hadn’t heard her coming at all.

“I tried calling after you when you stormed past me in the hallway, but I guess you didn’t hear me. Or chose to ignore me,” the General said and sat down next to Poe on the grass. 

“No, I just. I didn’t hear you,” Poe answered and turned his gaze to the ground, still surprised that she had followed him. 

“I thought so. You looked a bit preoccupied with your thoughts, there. Care to tell me what’s wrong?”

Poe sighed. He still wasn’t in the mood to talk. “It was nothing.” The doubtful expression on the General’s face made him rethink his answer, plus, he really didn’t want to make his list of people he had offended today any longer than it already was. “Well, okay, it was something. I was an ass to Jess, and I guess to Finn too. Lost my temper, so I needed some time to think.”

“Well, have you?”

“Have I what?”

“Thought.”

“No, I really didn’t have the time before you showed up.”

“My apologies for that. I’ll let you get on with it later. I had something I wanted to talk to you about, if you have the time. Although, I’m starting to question whether it’s a good idea right now, if you’re already feeling quite distressed,” the General said and looked questioningly at Poe.

“No, I’m okay. Let’s hear it,” Poe said. She had wakened her curiosity. But he was also worried what she was planning on telling him, if she was worried if he could take it in his current state. 

She took a deep breath and looked towards the lake, probably trying to figure out how to say what she had to say. “I know that we agreed that we’d share our information more openly, but I’ve realized that I have failed you yet again.” She tore her gaze from the lake to look Poe straight into the eye. “Ben’s alive.”

Poe wasn’t sure if his world shattered or mended itself back together after hearing the news. He didn’t know how he should react to the information.

“How do you know that?” Poe asked, frantic to know the answer. 

“I’ve known it all this time. Or maybe I should say that I would have known if he had died. Like I felt Han. He’s been trying to sever our connection, but he isn’t strong enough to do it completely, although he’s getting close,” she told him. She sighed audibly and continued: “Which is ultimately why he killed Han. He couldn’t completely eradicate their connection any other way. Han wasn’t Force sensitive, but it was enough that Ben was. He could feel his father, whether he wanted or not. And I’m certain he could feel me if I suddenly decided to kick the bucket, but otherwise our link has faded nearly completely. But it still exists. It’s been such obvious information to me that he’s alive that it didn’t even cross my mind that you probably don’t know and have lived in uncertainty ever since we destroyed the Starkiller base.”

Poe stayed silent. His head was reeling. 

“Are you okay, Poe? How are you feeling?” Leia asked and stroked his back gently, knowing that her information must have caused an uproar of emotions.

“I don’t know what to feel anymore,” he managed to croak out.

“That’s okay,” she said, and then gave Poe some time to digest this new information. But after a while she continued: “I know that for myself I’m relieved every single day when I know that my child is still alive no matter what he’s become. But I doubt anyone else would feel that way.”

“I… I just don’t know. I think, to some extent, I feel relieved. Even if I probably shouldn’t. But at the same time, I’m terrified.” 

“It will be alright. He won’t get to you,” she said, stroking his neck, trying to comfort him. Poe closed his eyes and tried to center himself. They stayed like that for a long while, Poe trying to make sense of this new situation and the General attempting to keep him from falling apart.

“I have other news as well,” she said, after she was sure that Poe had somewhat recovered from the shock of the previous admission. 

Poe swallowed. He wasn’t sure he could handle any more news, but he reasoned that it couldn’t be worse than what he’d just heard. 

“Rey is returning to D’Qar with my brother soon,” she said, while a smile spread across her features, making her seem years younger. “I received their message today. They’re on their way.”

“Really? That’s fantastic.” Poe tried to appear cheerful for her sake. She had clearly been looking forward to this, and Poe had no intention of bringing her down from her high spirits. 

But he wasn’t looking forward to them coming to the base. 

More Force users. Powerful ones. 

He was okay with Leia. She hadn’t been trained in the Force like Luke and she wasn’t as strong as Rey. Poe didn’t think she would be able to read his mind even if she tried. But Luke and Rey were both strong with the Force, and if they only so wished, they would be able to do to him anything they wanted, and Poe would have no way to stop them. Of course, he didn’t think that either of them would attempt such a thing, since they were both trusted in the Resistance and part of the ‘good guys.’ But the fact persisted that he had trusted Ren as well. And he had shown no hesitation to take what he wanted just because he could. And both Rey and Luke could. 

“Right. I need to get back to work,” the General said, pulling Poe back from his thoughts. Poe helped her up from the ground, and she looked up at him, worried. “What are you going to do now? Nothing stupid, I hope.”

“Well, first of all, I’m gonna go apologize to Jess and Finn. That doesn’t count as stupid, right? But then… I don’t know. Keep living my life, I guess. What else is there?”

“Nothing worth mentioning,” she smiled.


	29. Chapter 29

Finn had been terribly confused, when Poe ran away from their practicing session. At least, that’s what it had felt like. At first, he had thought that maybe Poe had been embarrassed to lose so quickly, but the more he thought about it, the less likely it seemed. What had hurt the most, was when Poe had moved away from his touch, when he had tried to make sure that he hadn’t accidentally hurt him during their match. They had shared casual touches before, so Poe’s sudden shift in attitude towards them baffled him. Had he stepped over some invisible line he hadn’t noticed was there? 

Jess had noticed that something was amiss as well, and she had gone after Poe to ask him what was wrong. Finn had been yearning to go after them as well, but he didn’t want Poe to feel that they were teaming up on him and forcing him to speak. Unfortunately, Jess had been none the wiser, when she returned from the locker room and she was actually more confused now than before speaking to him.

“Something’s really bothering him. I’ve never seen him like this before,” she had told him, and Finn felt an uncomfortable twist in his stomach. She must have seen the pained look on his face, because she continued: “It’s not because of you, I’m sure.”

“He bolts out the door the second I try to touch him, and you tell me, it’s not because of me?”

“Look, he’s had a lot on his plate recently. I’m not gonna go into details, because I don’t have them all myself, but trust me when I say he’s had it rough. And it all started before you stepped into the picture, so no, it’s not you.”

It was hard to believe Jess that he had nothing to do with Poe’s sudden exit. Finn decided that the best course of action would be talking to Poe, the first chance he got, to clear this whole mess up so they could return to their easy, awkwardness-free every-day lives. 

The opportunity presented itself in the evening when Finn was getting ready to go to bed. They had decided to continue sharing a room in the new base as well, since it had become clear that they got along very well. Before today at least. 

Poe stepped into the room just when Finn was getting under the covers. 

“You were out late.” Shit, Finn hadn’t meant to sound so accusing. But he had been worried what kept Poe so long. Although he suspected that he had been avoiding him. 

“Yeah. I had some stuff that needed to be taken care of,” he answered, and thankfully, he didn’t seem to be affected by Finn’s blunt greeting. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

Finn decided that their discussion could wait until Poe came back, although he hoped that Poe wasn’t just going to fall asleep the first thing he got out of the bathroom. Finn had some time now to ponder how to approach the subject, but he couldn’t come up with a tactful way of doing it. He would just need to go straight to the point and hope that Poe wouldn’t run away from him again. 

He took out his holopad and decided to browse something while waiting for Poe. He couldn’t really concentrate on anything, but he guessed that it would probably be better if he looked like he was doing something else than anxiously waiting to see his friend coming out of the shower. That would be a surefire way to make him bolt, if only a touch had made him uncomfortable. 

After a while Poe emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a white t-shirt and boxers, which was his usual sleeping attire. He made his way to his bed, but instead of getting under the covers, he sat on top of them and sighed so lightly that Finn nearly missed it. 

“I wanted to talk to you,” Poe said and raised his eyes to look at Finn. The only source of light in the room was the lamp on Finn’s bedside table, but even in the dim light Finn could see that he was clearly anxious about whatever he wanted to say. 

“I wanted to talk to you too,” Finn answered, attempting a smile. “So, who talks first?”

Finn could see Poe blink at his words, but he recovered soon.

“I’ll talk first.” He licked his lips. “I’m sorry about the way I acted today at the gym. I shouldn’t have run away like that. You must have been terribly confused.”

“Oh no, no. I’m the one who should be saying sorry. Which is what I wanted to talk to you about, anyway. It’s not your fault I made you uncomfortable.”

“It is. You did nothing wrong. There’s no need to apologize.”

“I must have done something. I talked to Jess after you left. She was worried about you.”

“I already talked with Jess before I came here. Apologized and cleared everything up. There’s nothing to worry about.” There was a moment of silence that hung around them like a fog. It was clear to both of them that Finn didn’t believe for a moment that nothing was amiss with Poe. 

“Poe.” Finn tried to figure out how to word this so that he wouldn’t sound too imposing. “I know we haven’t been friends for very long, compared to you and Jess anyway, but you do realize that you can talk to me? Something’s obviously bothering you, and it hurts me to see you like this when I have no way of helping you.” Poe was looking at him with big bright eyes, his inner turmoil visible on his face. His need to tell someone and the urge to conceal his secrets were battling which would come out on top. 

“I doubt that there’s anything you could do even if you knew the whole story,” Poe said, his voice thick with suppressed emotion, but it was starting to look like his need to share was winning. He was wringing his hands, debating whether he would be ready to talk, and Finn waited him to decide in peace. Finally, he seemed to come to a conclusion and stopped writhing where he sat.

“Kylo Ren was my lover.”

That was not what Finn had expected.

He had been lying on the bed under the covers, leaning on his elbow, but the second the words truly registered in his brain he sat up, the blanket dropping off of him. The chill air in the room surrounded him, but he scarcely noticed it even though he was wearing nothing but his underwear. There was no way he had heard that correctly. “What did you say?”

“I didn’t know he was part of the First Order back then. He introduced himself to me as Ren, and I never suspected a thing.” Poe had moved backwards on the bed and was now sitting in the corner, with his knees drawn up to his chest. “We were supposed to meet again after my mission on Jakku, but then I got captured, and well, yes, we did meet again, although I didn’t recognize him at first, with the mask and all.” Poe looked so small and miserable, Finn moved to sit next to him on his bed but didn’t touch him. He wasn’t sure if it would be welcome, and he didn’t want to make it any harder on Poe than it already was. Poe leaned his head on the wall and looked at the ceiling, reliving the events on the Finalizer. “I don’t know how much you know about what happened during the interrogation before you rescued me, but after Kylo Ren’s soldiers had failed to get the location of the map from me, he came there himself. He used the Force on me. Blundered through my mind without a second thought.” 

Poe kept a short break, blinking rapidly. Finn didn’t need to be a genius to realize he was fighting back tears. The next words he whispered so silently Finn barely heard the words. “I’ve never felt so violated in my life, Finn.” Poe hugged his knees tighter, and Finn had to do everything he could to restrain himself from hugging him. “After he was done, he finally revealed his identity to me. I couldn’t believe at first, thought it was some kind of a Force trick, but no. It was him. He was planning to keep me as his captive, and kriff, I honestly don’t know what I would have done, if that had happened. Luckily, it never came to that,” Poe finished his tale and looked at Finn, hints of a smile appearing on his face. 

Finn was speechless. Poe’s story was a lot to take in. 

Poe must have taken Finn’s silence the wrong way, since he soon added: “You must think I’m an idiot for getting into this situation in the first place. God, it’s such a mess. I’m a mess,” Poe said and buried his face on his knees. 

“No, you’re not an idiot,” Finn hurried to say, and this time, he grabbed Poe’s shoulder before he even realized he had done it. But Poe didn’t seem to mind the contact, and so Finn kept his hand where it was. “You had no way of knowing who he was. That doesn’t make you an idiot. You’ve been through a lot. It’s okay to be affected by all those things still.” Poe raised his head from his knees and looked at Finn and the hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for telling me,” Finn said and squeezed Poe’s shoulder one last time before letting go. Poe looked forlorn at the loss of contact, so Finn was at a loss what to do next. However, Poe made his decision for him, and leaned towards him to rest his head on his shoulder. 

“And thank you for listening. And everything, really.”

Finn wrapped his arms around his friend and Poe adjusted his position so that his face was now at the crook of his neck. After a while, his breathing started to feel more even; Finn could feel the little puffs of air on his skin become steadier. His posture was now a lot more relaxed as well, when compared to the nervous wreck he had been while telling his story. Finn was starting to suspect that he might fall asleep any second now, exhausted from having to relive those horrifying moments again. 

“Poe?” Finn asked softly, not wanting to wake him up, if he truly was sleeping. He got a tired “hmm” in response, so he guessed that he was still somewhat awake. “I may be slow, but I still don’t quite understand why you ran away from the gym earlier.” Finn could feel Poe tense again slightly, but Finn kept his arms around him and rubbed his back soothingly. That seemed to do the trick, since Poe sighed deeply, and the tension mostly left him again, although not completely. 

“I don’t really know myself. Maybe I just felt like I was being overpowered again and reacted badly. I’m sorry, Finn.” 

Finn didn’t completely buy that, but he decided that he wouldn’t push the matter. Demanding Poe to tell more than he already had would have been borderline cruel. So he settled on pulling the other man closer.


	30. Chapter 30

Finn was glad that things were back to normal with him and Poe. The awkwardness was gone and the casual touches back. They spent a lot of time together whenever they had free time, going to the cafeteria together, working out, or just hanging out in their room. However, Finn had significantly less spare time now than when he had still been recovering. He had decided that he didn’t want to become a soldier again, for now at least, but there were other things where he proved to be useful at. 

He had been assigned a group of trainees, who Finn was supposed to educate in hand-to-hand combat, and Finn realized that he really enjoyed his teaching position. In a way he had found his calling, he supposed. The group was nice. They were all interested in learning, so they actually listened what he told them. They didn’t even give him shit for being an ex-stormtrooper like he had feared. In addition to the teaching, Finn also acted as a sort of an informant and he worked together with the strategists of the Resistance, telling them absolutely everything he knew about the First Order, from their weapons arsenal to their breakfast menu. 

Finn was so content with his new life that he doubted anything could make it better. 

He was wrong.

It got infinitely better.

He was showing his group how to effectively use knives in combat, when Jess barged in the gym, beaming with joy. 

“Rey and Luke are here! They’re landing soon, so get your ass out there!” she shouted, before disappearing as quickly as she had come. 

“Class dismissed,” Finn blurted, dropping the knife on the nearest table, and rushed out to welcome the guests. Though he hoped they wouldn’t actually be guests but decided to stay with them.

A crowd had gathered outside, eager to see the long lost jedi and his assumed new apprentice. Finn was excited to finally see the famous Luke Skywalker as well, but what he was really looking forward to, was meeting Rey again. He could see the Millennium Falcon in the distance, and he guessed it wouldn’t take them long to land. Finn looked around, trying to see where Jess had gone, but couldn’t find her in the crowd. However, he spotted Poe, who was at the edge of the crowd, wiping his dirty hands in a rag. He had been maintaining the ships again, Finn guessed. He went over to him, expecting him to share his glee, but Poe’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, when Finn exclaimed how he had been looking forward to this. Finn thought it strange, but he didn’t have time to ponder it any longer. The ship had landed, and they were lowering the ramp. Finn took Poe’s arm and urged him to come with him, so they could see better.

There were only a few rows of people in front of them, so they could see straight to the ramp. Rey and Luke walked out side by side, and Finn fought the urge to just run to her, but he knew that the General would greet them first, and he would have to patiently wait his turn. He chanced a glance at Poe, expecting him to be over the moon, seeing the fruits of his difficult mission, having the General’s brother with them at last. But there were no traces of excitement to be found on Poe’s face. He stared at the newcomers intently, his breathing shallow, and there was a bead of sweat trailing down his temple that Finn could have sworn hadn’t been there before. It wasn’t that warm either. 

Finn was just about to ask Poe if he was alright when he heard a sound calling for him, a sound he had missed every day after waking up from his coma. He turned to look and saw Rey gesturing at him to come forward, so they could greet properly. Finn turned back to Poe to convince him to come as well, but the man was nowhere to be found, lost in the crowd. 

Something was clearly not right with Poe. Finn wanted to go look for him, but Rey was waving at him impatiently, and he really wanted to see his friend. Maybe Poe just needed some time alone. He would ask him later. 

Finn made his way to the front of the crowd and as soon as he was in reach, Rey lunged forward and hugged him tightly. Finn hugged back and thanked his past-self for his decision to stay with the Resistance. He would have never met her again otherwise. 

“How have you been? Are you a jedi now?” Finn was about to burst with all the questions he had, but he managed to limit himself to a select few.

“An apprentice, actually. Luke agreed to train me! It took some time before I managed to convince him, but yes, I will be a jedi!” Rey told him excitedly. “What have you been up to?”

“I’m a teacher and an informant. Some days it’s hard to tell the difference.” 

“Really? That’s great! I can definitely imagine you as a teacher. It suits you.”

“Thanks. I really like it actually,” Finn said bashfully. “So, how long is your visit gonna be? Or will you stay here permanently?” Please, say yes.

“I’m not sure. I think Luke’s going to talk with Leia first and then make his decision. But I’m relatively certain we’re gonna stay a while. Perhaps not permanently, but a while.”

Finn’s heart sank, but he was dead set on enjoying the time he did have with Rey before the Skywalker whisked her of to some other system to learn whatever jedi tricks she needed to learn. 

“Come on, I’ll show you around. Unless Luke was one hell of a cook, the cafeteria’s gonna blow your mind.”

***

After the tour and a little bit of catching up, Finn decided it was time to seek out Poe. He went to check their room first, but unless Poe was hiding under a bed, he wasn’t there. His next guess were the hangars, since that was where he had been coming from before Luke and Rey arrived. 

It was already quite late, so the hangars were pretty much deserted apart from the occasional late worker. Finn walked through the massive buildings until he finally reached the one with the X-wings. He had guessed right. Poe was sitting under his fighter, tinkering with some small electronic device with BB-8. Poe was talking to the droid softly, who responded with beeps that still made no sense to Finn. Poe’s back was turned to him, so he didn’t see him coming, but the droid spotted him when he started walking in their direction. BB let out a series of beeps and Poe turned around to look what had gotten the droid’s attention. Finn waved his hand to greet the pair and walked the rest of the way to the X-Wing before crouching down to be on eye-level with Poe. 

“What you got there?” Finn asked, nodding towards the device in Poe’s hands. 

“Just some old wiring that needed to be checked. Nothing interesting,” Poe answered and looked questioningly at Finn. “What brought you here?”

Finn sat down in front of Poe. “I just wanted to talk with you a little bit. You disappeared quite suddenly today.” 

“I just had to get back to work. It was enough for me to see Luke and Rey from afar, so I headed back after that,” Poe said but he wouldn’t look at Finn. His eyes were fixed on the mess of wires on his lap. 

BB-8 bumped into Poe’s knee and beeped something at him. 

“What is he saying?” Finn asked, looking at the droid.

“Nothing that would be any of his business. Come on BB, we talked about this.” 

The droid then proceeded to roll in front of Finn and beeped demandingly at him, but Finn still had no way to decipher what he was trying to tell him. 

“Umm… Care to translate?”

“Leave him alone, BB. This doesn’t concern him.” So there truly was something, he knew it. 

BB-8 let out a series of angry beeps. Finn could recognize that the droid was frustrated even if he didn’t understand a word he was saying. 

“BB-8 seems to think it does,” Finn said.

“It really doesn’t. It just… Fine,” Poe let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m just not very fond of Force users. You can probably guess why. That’s why I left.”

It took Finn some time to process this information. 

“But they are on our side! They’re nothing like Kylo Ren!” Finn exclaimed, baffled that Poe would think like that. “They would never use the Force to hurt their friends.”

“How do you know that?” Poe asked, his cynicism evident.

“I… I just do.” Finn had no way of explaining it. It was just so obvious. How couldn’t Poe see it?

“You don’t. You never know, when someone you think you can trust will turn on you and hurt you just because they can. You think you can trust Rey, but he has the power to break you if she so much as wishes it.” Poe’s voice was full of loathing, and Finn could feel his own anger rising listening to someone talk like that about his friend. 

“She would never do that. You don’t even know her!”

“Neither do you. And even if you did, it wouldn’t matter, she’d betray you all the same!”

“Listen to yourself! Not every Force user is like Kylo Ren! Just because you were hurt by one of them, doesn’t make them all bad. They’re our friends. Luke Skywalker is a hero. Rey defeated Kylo Ren. They’re good people.” 

“She didn’t defeat him. He’s still alive,” Poe said, the fight disappearing from his voice. He rubbed his eyes and Finn could see how exhausted he looked. “The General told me.” 

“Well, she defeated him enough to save my life. Give them a chance, Poe,” Finn pleaded, trying to make his friend see reason. 

“And I thank her for that. But I’m not gonna take any chances, Finn. I can’t trust them,” Poe said and dropped the wires on the floor before getting out from under the X-Wing. “And you shouldn’t either.” 

He left the hangar without saying another word. Finn stayed where he was, looking at his friend disappear around the corner. BB-8 beeped sadly at him, drooping his head, but soon he followed Poe, leaving Finn alone in the empty hangar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 30 chapters. I can barely believe it. Thank you, everyone, who've read this far! Love you!


	31. Chapter 31

It had been raining non-stop for three days.

Everyone was holed up in the base and no one would willingly go outside, since it meant you would probably catch the flu of the century. 

Poe hadn’t been sent on a longer mission in ages, so when the General told him he would be needed in the next system, he started packing immediately. He would be happy to leave this planet for awhile and escape the never-ending rain. Plus, he would be able to put some distance between himself and their new guests. 

Poe hadn’t meant to tell Finn what he thought about Rey and Luke, but it was too late now. What was done was done. He was happy that Finn didn’t seem to hate him, even though he had made those terrible accusations about his friend, but he knew that Finn hadn’t appreciated it. Poe still believed in what he had said, but he could have definitely worded it better. Or never told Finn in the first place.

They didn’t talk about the subject anymore. It hung above them like a cloud but they both chose to ignore it and continue their daily lives. Poe avoided both Rey and Luke, and therefore Finn, since he spent a lot of time with his friend. They probably had a lot of catching up to do. Poe would have lied if he claimed that he didn’t feel slightly jealous whenever he saw Finn and Rey chatting and laughing together somewhere, but he smothered those feelings before he could inspect them any further. He had promised himself to use his head more, and he planned to keep that promise, his feelings be damned. And it was stupid to be jealous in the first place, since he wanted Finn to have more friends. He couldn’t understand his own logic sometimes. 

He was almost ready to leave the planet. He had his flight suit on, and everything he would need on his mission was packed. All he had to do now was to have a last strategic meeting with the General and Finn, since he would need some information about certain First Order ships. 

They had just started the meeting when the alarms started blaring everywhere in the base. The door slammed open and a terrified looking woman burst into the room. Poe recalled seeing her in the control room oftentimes. 

“It’s the First Order, General! They’ve entered the system and are heading straight towards us. They’ll be here any minute now,” she reported hastily. 

“How big is their force,” the General asked calmly, but Poe guessed she wasn’t feeling it on the inside. They all dreaded the answer. 

“Three Star Destroyers, several smaller transport ships, and more TIEs than we can count,” she answered, swallowing nervously after delivering the information. 

Three Star Destroyers. And they had been caught by surprise. It would take time to get their own ships into the air if they wanted any chance of fighting back. Time they didn’t have. The main battle would be on the ground in their base and they had no way to stop it. They would lose if they tried to fight. 

“We need to evacuate,” the General announced. “Poe, gather your squadron and provide the transport vessels some cover. Finn, will you fight?”

“I’ll fight,” Finn answered without a moment’s hesitation. Poe felt a thread of guilt tugging at him. Finn had just wanted a peaceful life without fighting, but here he was, once again dragged into war. 

“Good. Stay with the ground troops and make sure that everyone makes it into a transport unit and away from this planet,” the General ordered. 

“But how did they find us?” Poe asked. It shouldn’t have been possible. They had been so careful. 

“I don’t know. The only way I can think of is Ben using the Force, but our connection is so feeble that it shouldn’t be possible for him to track me down with it. He has been actively trying to break it, he can’t just renew it at will whenever he feels like it. It must be something else. Unless…” She looked up at Poe as if the answer was written on his face and she was afraid to face it. “…he used his connection with you.”

Poe’s stomach dropped.

“But I’m not Force sensitive! How could we have a connection like that?” Poe asked, incredulous.

“It’s enough that he is. Me and Han shared something similar, even though he was deaf to the Force. That’s how I knew when he… when he passed.” Poe could see the flash of pain on her face, but they had no time to mourn the ones they had lost. Or argue about how the First Order had found them. He would have to accept that the General’s guess was possible, even if he didn’t feel the connection himself.

“If that’s the case, then I can’t evacuate with the rest of you. I’ll go get my ships in the air and then when the base is empty, I’ll send my squad after you while I distract the enemy,” Poe stated.

“That’s a suicide mission! You can’t take the whole fleet on by yourself!” Finn shouted, grabbing Poe’s shoulder. 

“I’ll figure something out. Don’t worry,” Poe answered with calm he didn’t feel. He had no idea how he would get out of this one. “We have no time to waste. The first ships will be here soon, and our troops are in no way prepared.”

They all ran off in different directions, trying to reach their destinations before the enemy was on them. Poe thanked his stars that he was already in a flight suit so all he needed to do now was get to Black One and get the fighters into the air. It was easier said than done. He would need to run to the hangars and hope that he wasn’t hit by the TIE fighters that were rapidly approaching. He could already hear their telltale screeching in the distance. 

He rounded the corner and was out in the open. The rain poured down on him and he was soaked in seconds. It was a small miracle that he saw Jess through the rain, running ahead of him between the buildings. He shouted at her and she slowed down enough that Poe could catch up with her. 

“Do you know if the others are ready?” Poe asked her while they kept running. He needed to yell for her to hear him over the loud sound of the downpour. 

“I think nearly all of them were in the hangars when they raised the alarm. We’re among the last, I believe.”

“Good. I–” He never got to finish his sentence as a TIE Fighter surged towards them, firing at everything on its path. It missed its primary targets which had undoubtedly been Jess and Poe, but the ground around them was filled with holes.

“Gods. We need to hurry before it makes a second round. The rain makes it harder to aim, but I’d rather not take the risk that it’ll miss us twice,” Poe shouted and picked up the speed. The water was dripping down his face and into his eyes, but he couldn’t let that bother him right now. 

They were nearly at the hangars when the TIE came to finish what it had started. However, to their surprise, it wasn’t aiming at them. 

“It’s firing at the communications tower!” Jess yelled and pointed ahead of them at the root of the tower that was starting to give. “It’s gonna fall!”

The ruined base of the tower couldn’t support itself anymore and the tower started its inevitable collapse. Poe and Jess were forced to stop and turn around to avoid getting hit by the immense tower as it came down with a deafening rumble. Their path was blocked. 

“We need to go around!” Jess shouted.

“There is no time! We need to get our ships up now!” Poe looked at the massive ruins the tower had turned into. It would take ages to go over it, but it would take even longer to go around. “I’m comming Snap and telling him to take the lead. We’ll follow them later.” Thankfully their comms didn’t require the communications tower to work and Poe was able to reach Wexley and tell him to get their ships into the fight. 

He had just finished delivering his orders when a First Order transport ship landed behind them, effectively blocking every way out. They were trapped. 

“We need to go over that tower now! Start climbing, I’ll cover you!” Poe ordered his squad member while pulling his blaster from its holster. 

“You have to start climbing too! You can’t take them on alone,” Jess said, refusing to move. 

“It’s and order! Now, go!” 

Jess bit her cheek but started her ascend. She was quick, but the tower was huge. It would take time for her to reach the top of the pile. Poe fixed his eyes on the transport ship. They hadn’t lowered the ramp yet, but he kept his aim at the ship. The rain water was trailing down his head, like icy fingers caressing his scalp. He quickly wiped some water from his brow, when he suddenly saw the Resistance ground troops approach behind the First Order ship. Finn was among them, Poe could recognize him immediately. He felt a sense of relief wash over him, but it didn’t last long. Jess had reached the highest point of the crumbled tower and was now telling him to start climbing while she covered him in turn. 

Poe could hardly hear her. His eyes were transfixed on the transport ship. They had started lowering the ramp, and Poe could just make out the unmistakable black figure among the rows of stormtroopers. He was so distracted he didn’t even hear the approaching TIE until it was nearly above him. It fired at the remains of the tower and Poe saw the impact throw Jess down from the tower. The next blast hit right next to him, the shockwave tearing at him and knocking him down while pieces of their former communications tower rained on him. 

Poe blacked out for a second but forced his mind back into consciousness, though he suspected it was a losing battle.

He was on the ground. His blood mixing with the relentlessly pouring rain. His vision kept going in and out of focus. So tired. He could see Finn racing towards him, but he was forced to a stop when the stormtroopers started firing at his group. Poe couldn’t hear anything apart from the ringing in his ears, but he could see Finn calling for him. Or maybe he was just imagining it. It was hard to think. 

He could see a figure approaching.

His eyes refused to focus but they didn’t have to. He knew who it was.


	32. Chapter 32

It was him.

Even lying down on the ground, battered and broken, Poe was the most beautiful creature Kylo had ever laid his eyes on. He was bleeding from his ears, nose, and mouth, the blood mixing with the rain water on the ground, but such a state proved to only accentuate his beauty, not lessen it. 

He had been awake when Kylo started walking towards him but had lost consciousness when he reached him. It was all good, he would live. Kylo felt the steady life force emanating from him. Besides, Poe would make less of a fuzz this way, and he wouldn’t need to feel the pain he was undoubtedly in. 

The TIE attack hadn’t been his plan. He would personally take care that the pilot responsible was beheaded, when the battle was over. Losing Poe just when he was about to get him back had been too close. 

Kylo knelt beside him. The rain was trying to wash the blood away, but it refused to disappear completely. Kylo turned Poe on his back so he could have a better look at the man. Around them the battle continued, but Kylo only had eyes for Poe. The rain had plastered his hair on his forehead, so Kylo gently brushed it to its rightful place. He caressed his face, but Poe didn’t stir. Kylo gently gathered him in his arms and started walking back towards the ship.

The traitor, FN-2187, was trying to get to them, but he was held back by the stormtroopers. He was calling Poe’s name, trying to wake him up, but he didn’t react in any way. Not like it would have mattered. Poe would have been too weak to resist. Kylo would have loved to go out there and end the traitor himself, but he refused to let Poe out of his sight for any amount of time. Holding him close had already made Kylo’s blood soar in his veins, and he felt like he was becoming whole again after the agonizing period without his loved one. He was being rejuvenated, his once empty energy storages filling up. 

FN-2187 was the reason he had lost Poe in the first place. Without him Poe would have stayed with Kylo and eventually remembered how they love each other. Kylo would have given Poe anything his heart desired, and things would have been just like they had been on Puulon. But FN-2187 had stolen Poe from him before he could show him how much he still mattered to him. He admitted that using the Force on him during the interrogation may have planted a seed of distrust in Poe’s mind, but Kylo was determined to uproot any doubts Poe may have developed now that they were together again. Poe would rediscover his love for him no matter how long it took. 

Kylo walked up the ramp of his ship with Poe in his arms and ordered the pilot to take off. The stormtroopers that had come with him would find another lift, surely. Kylo lowered Poe on a bench next to a wall and sat on it himself so he could pet Poe’s soaking wet hair. He turned to look out the window and saw the battle that was still in full bloom. He even glimpsed two lightsabers somewhere in the distance. Neither side was willing to lose, but he knew that the Resistance wasn’t aiming for victory but merely trying to get away from the scene to regroup. And the First Order would most likely allow it. The reason for their attack had merely been to flush the rebels from their hiding place and force them to abandon a significant amount of supplies and tech. 

And to get Poe, although it had merely been Kylo’s personal objective. 

They had located the Resistance base with Kylo’s help. His connection with Poe had grown strong during their time on Puulon, and then it had been reinforced again when he looked into Poe’s mind on the Finalizer. Now he could easily sense where-ever he was in the galaxy. Although, of course, it wouldn’t matter anymore. They would never be apart again. 

Their ship rose towards the sky undisturbed. There were TIEs flying around them to ensure their safe passage, and the Resistance must have been reluctant to fire with their commander on board. 

Kylo took off his helmet so he could look at the unconscious man next to him properly. His chest was rising and falling steadily, his face lax despite the cold he would be feeling was he awake. 

It took Kylo a minute to realize that Poe was in his flight suit. He wasn’t all that familiar what gear the orange abomination included, but he guessed it would have some kind of a tracker or a transmission system. Although he was going to make sure that Poe wouldn’t be wearing his rebel suit for long, Kylo wasn’t planning on taking any additional risks and inviting the Resistance to their doorstep. He assumed that the most likely place for the device was somewhere in the life support box on Poe’s chest.

Kylo turned on his lightsaber. The blade crackled like it always did, the crystal unstable, but he knew his weapon well enough to be able to use it precisely. He brought the blade slowly down to Poe’s chest. The white box sizzled when it came into contact with the blade and soon it was nothing but a black molten lump that wouldn’t transmit anything ever again. The lightsaber lighted Poe’s face with its red glow and Kylo was once again captivated by the sight. He turned the saber off and tucked it back into his robes. Slowly, he bowed down and placed a light kiss on his love’s forehead. The realization that he finally had him left him exhilarated. 

However, he couldn’t keep admiring him, as it didn’t take them long to reach the Finalizer. It was staying in the planet’s orbit and surveying the situation but wouldn’t engage in the battle unless the X-wings ventured near it. They entered the hangar bay and Kylo could already see a group of paramedics gathering, ready to start treating the injured. The looks on their faces were puzzled when the only ones stepping out of the ship were the uninjured pilot of the ship and Kylo with Poe in his arms. Kylo ordered two of the paramedics to follow him when he started to head out of the hangar towards the medical wing of the ship. One paramedic tried offering him a stretcher, so he wouldn’t have to carry the unconscious man all the way to their destination, but Kylo refused. He weighed practically nothing to him, thanks to their size difference, but even if the dead weight started to take its toll on him, he would always have the Force to help support him. The thought of letting go of him made him feel anxious. 

They reached the medical wing and Kylo reluctantly laid him down on the operating table. He watched from the side as the paramedics started fussing about Poe and applying bacta gel to his wounds to speed the healing process. They started removing his flight suit, so they could inspect the extent of the damage, and Kylo could feel his breath hitch. It had been so long.

Kylo fought the urge to just rush to him and kill the people attending to him. Every cell in his body screamed at him that he was to only one allowed to touch him, but he knew that Poe needed the medical care. He figured it was best to leave the site, before he did anything drastic, even if the thought of leaving Poe even for a second seemed too much to bear. 

“Bring him to my quarters when you’re finished,” Kylo instructed the medical personnel and made to leave the room. 

“Sir, he’s seriously injured. It would be best to keep him here, where we could monitor his state,” one of the doctors said. Kylo felt his anger flare up. In two strides he was at the doctor’s side his light saber at her throat.

“Do you question my judgement?” he asked her menacingly.

“No, sir! Absolutely not,” she managed to blurt out. 

“Good,” Kylo said and sheathed his light saber. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on him.” He patted her on the cheek and stepped away. She was so pale she looked like she would faint any second now. 

Kylo walked out of the medical wing and headed towards the storage units. Although he had considered the perks of having Poe wear nothing at all, he figured the man would be needing some clothes eventually. The flight suit and anything Poe had been wearing under it would be trashed, he would make sure of it. 

Unfortunately, the clothes selection of the First Order didn’t offer much variation. They scarcely had any civilian clothes on board, and even the ones they did have were remarkably unimaginative. Kylo resigned to his faith and picked a bunch of long-sleeved V-neck shirts that he imagined would suit Poe. Although now that he thought about it, Poe would look stunning in just about anything, so he didn’t really need to worry about what he took. Everything in the storage was mainly black and gray but that hardly mattered. He would have chosen black anyway.

He picked the rest of the clothes and ordered the man responsible of the unit to have them brought to his quarters. Now that the more important things were taken care of, Kylo figured he could take a look at how their battle was going. He headed to the bridge next, where general Hux was observing how their troops were doing. He looked astonished when he saw Kylo approaching him. 

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be on the planet getting rid of the rebels?” he said, looking incredulously at Kylo. 

“My mission is done. You’ll be pleased to hear I’ve captured one of their commanders.”

“Again? Let’s hope this one doesn’t escape as quickly as the last one,” Hux scoffed, clearly not satisfied with the news. 

Kylo looked murderously at the man standing in front of him but kept his calm.

“It’s the same one. I’ve merely recovered him.”

“That’s what your mission was? To hunt down a prisoner you let loose? Your priorities are clearly not in place. You were supposed to wreak havoc in their midst and secure a victory for the First Order, not concentrate on just one man. What are we supposed to do with him?”

Kylo stepped forward to stand right in front of the general. He could see Hux swallow, and he guessed he was fighting the urge to take a step back but refused to show weakness in front of Kylo. He didn’t really care. As long as Hux understood one thing.

“ _We_ will do nothing. He’s mine.”


	33. Chapter 33

The Resistance had managed to evacuate to a new base, but the cost had been great. They had needed to abandon nearly everything that wasn’t needed to transport the people away from the planet or wasn’t vital for the survival of the movement. The material loss was significant, but that hadn’t been all. 

They had lost people as well. 

Not many thankfully, the evacuation had been a success in that sense, but still, even the smallest casualties always stung. 

There hadn’t been anyone among the dead that Finn knew, but there had been one loss that made him want to scream in frustration. 

The First Order had Poe.

Again.

Finn had been unable to protect his friend.

Again. 

Watching Kylo Ren carry Poe to the transport vessel had been like that time on Takodana when he had watched Rey getting captured. Both times, Finn had been able to do nothing as his friends were taken away. He had tried his best to get rid of the stormtroopers holding him back, so he could get to Poe, his haste nearly costing him his life, but it had all been for naught. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had betrayed Poe. 

Poe had told him about his relationship with Kylo Ren, and how he had tortured Poe and invaded his mind against his will regardless of their past. Ren even seemed to harbor feelings for Poe still, which made his actions all the more unforgivable. The incident had left Poe traumatized and terrified of Force users, which had become apparent when Rey and Luke had arrived at the base. Finn felt a pang of guilt when he thought of their fight from earlier, and how he had basically dismissed Poe’s feelings and insisted that he shouldn’t be so untrusting of the two jedis. Finn didn’t want to imagine what Poe must be feeling at the moment, once again in the hands of the person that had hurt him before, but the images of Poe, scared and captured, kept invading his consciousness persistently. 

If he was even alive. 

Finn had seen the explosion the attack of the TIE fighter had caused, and Poe had been right next to it. Seeing the blast wave throw him to the ground had nearly stopped Finn’s heart, and he had wanted nothing more than to run to his friend, but the one who had reached Poe had been that black-cloaked bastard. He had lifted Poe from the ground, but he had shown no signs of life. However, Finn suspected that if the attack had truly killed Poe, Ren would have reacted worse and would have likely thrown one of his well-known temper tantrums. So, Finn had a strong reason to believe that Poe was still alive. 

He had to believe. His brain couldn’t process the thought of Poe being dead. Again. He had already thought so on Jakku and the feeling had been excruciating even then, although he had known Poe only for minutes. So, now that they were close friends, he refused to even entertain the idea.

Poe hadn’t been the only one hurt by the attack. Jess had been hit as well, and she had fallen from her perch on the pile of rubble that their communications tower had turned into. She had fallen all the way down and had suffered countless bruises and cuts, but otherwise she had been miraculously okay. 

She hadn’t been pleased when she heard that Poe had been taken. No one had. Everyone in the Resistance seemed morose that their commander had been taken. 

Finn wanted to form a rescue party immediately and go after them. Hell, he would go alone if he had to. He had gone to the General and told her of his intentions, and she seemed accepting of the plan, but she still advised Finn to wait and not just rush in, guns blazing.

“You won’t be able to help Poe, if you get killed in the process. We need a proper strategy,” the General scolded him, and turned to look at the other people in the room. They were having a strategy meeting about the rescue mission. Rey and Luke were both present, as were Poe’s squadron and BB-8.

“I’ll go with him,” Rey stated. 

“You will?” The question came from Luke. “Your training is still in progress.”

“Cannot be helped,” Rey shrugged. It was evident that no one would be able to persuade her to stay.

“I really hate to ask this of you, Luke, but I truly wish you’d go with them. I can’t abandon Poe and let the First Order do what ever they want with him, and I doubt I would be able to stop these two from trying to get to him, but the reality stands that Poe cannot return to the Resistance as long as he and my son share the Force connection. Ben would just track him down again and find our new base while he was at it. I don’t even know if it’s possible, but if you could somehow break their bond or at least shield Poe from Ben’s influence, I would be forever grateful,” the General said and looked pleadingly at her brother. 

Luke sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“From what I’ve understood, Poe isn’t Force sensitive. It won’t be easy to teach him how to break the connection.”

“But it’s possible?” Finn asked urgently. Getting rid of the connection was a vital part of their plan if they wanted to be able to return home.

“Success can’t be guaranteed, but yes, it’s possible. But it will take time.”

“Which we most likely won’t have. Ren will just come after us after we’ve gotten hold of Poe. We can’t run away from him if he knows where we are,” Rey pointed out and Finn’s spirits dropped. She was right. The rescue mission was doomed from the start.

“There is a way,” Luke stated. There was a collective gasp among the crowd, and everyone held their breath, waiting for him to continue. “There are planets, which have strong enough magnetic fields to distort any Force signals coming from its surface, thus creating a blind spot for Force users. It’s like a shield. We’ll be able to use the Force on the surface, but Ben won’t be able to track Poe.” 

Everyone in the room seemed to let out a sigh of relief. Determined glances were exchanged among the pilots in Poe’s squadron. 

“So, you’ll come with us?” Rey asked eagerly.

“No matter how strong you are with the Force, you lack the skill to help Poe break the connection. You and Finn would just get killed. So yes. We’ll continue your training too when we’re safely on a shield planet.”

“Thank you, Luke,” the General said, a relieved smile on her face.

“Don’t thank me yet. It will be a long while before this is all over. And we still need to come up with the rest of the plan. We can’t just waltz into their midst.”

“I believe, the first thing to consider is the size of the rescue party,” the General said. “Quite small, I would think. You three will probably be enough.”

A furious beeping started suddenly from somewhere around their calves. BB-8 rolled in front of them, and although Finn couldn’t decipher what he was saying, he understood that this was the droid equivalent of an angry rant.

“An astromech could be useful,” Finn said, remembering how close Poe was with his droid. Seeing BB might cheer him up.

“I agree,” Luke nodded, and so it was decided that BB-8 would join the rescue mission. 

“The next thing to consider is how you’ll get in. Finding the Finalizer won’t be hard, they’re not exactly trying to hide, but infiltrating the ship unnoticed is the problem,” the General continued.

“We could distract them,” Snap offered. “Fly the X-wings just close enough to gain their attention and make them chase us. We wouldn’t attack directly. That would make them suspicious that something else is going on.”

“That could work,” the General agreed. “Now let’s discuss this in more detail. There’s no room for error unless we want to send another group to rescue our rescuers.”

The strategy meeting kept everyone up long into the night.


	34. Chapter 34

Poe blinked at the dark ceiling.

It wasn’t the ceiling of his room at the Resistance base, and it wasn’t the ceiling in their med bay. Where he should probably be, judging from the pain that seemed to envelop him. As the ceiling failed to provide him with any clues about his whereabouts, he decided to attempt sitting up and see whether the change of perspective would help in the matter. He grunted at the effort, the pain making itself known, but he managed to get in a more upright position. His back was on fire, undoubtedly looking like a mess as well, and it felt like someone had taken out his insides, put them in a blender and then put them back in after they were done. 

Why was he in such a pain?

He looked down at himself. He had never seen this shirt in his life. Nor those pants. And definitely not the bed. Who would use black sheets anyway? What the hell?

Then he remembered. 

The attack, the fallen tower, the TIE fighter that had made Jess fall and then caused an explosion right next to him. He remembered the figure walking towards him.

Poe looked around himself frantically. The only light source in the room was the glow coming from the adjacent room through the slightly ajar door, but it was enough to illuminate the room. To his relief, he found the room blessedly empty, since there was no question where he was. 

And he needed to get out of here. 

There were two doors leading to the room. As Poe could see light behind the other door, that one was definitely a no-go. It probably led to another room in the apartment, but the other one seemed like it could be his way out, if it wasn’t locked. 

His shoes were nowhere to be seen, but that was the least of his concerns. He wasn’t sure if he could even walk with the injuries he had sustained. He turned on the bed to put his feet on the ground, but the attempt caused him to hiss in pain. He wasn’t even sure anymore where the pain was coming from, it just seemed to encompass his whole torso. He took as deep a breath as his bruised ribs would allow and tried again, but his progress was minuscule at best.

“You’re awake.” The sound came from the direction of the open door, and Poe whipped his head to look at the familiar figure leaning on the door frame. The light from the adjacent room illuminated Ren from behind, and Poe saw that he had removed his sith-attire and was now wearing simpler, casual garments. He looked so much more like the man he had met on Puulon than the monster that had tortured him that Poe could barely comprehend that they were the same person. 

“What do you want?” Poe asked, giving up on trying to get up from the bed but preparing to still put up a fight if it came to it. Not like it would matter. He was in no shape to oppose Ren physically, his injuries making sure of that, and even less mentally, as Ren could just use the Force on him any time he wanted. But it was the thought that counted.

“I told you, you would remember your love for me the last time you were on board this ship. You just left so abruptly with that traitor FN-2187 that we had no time to discuss things more thoroughly,” Ren said, his arms crossed over his chest.

“There is nothing to discuss. And his name is Finn.” Poe couldn’t believe he was having this conversation. Did Ren take him for some kind of a masochist, if he thought he would just run back to him after all he did?

“The choice was entirely in your hands. You must have known that you wouldn’t stand a chance against me, so the best course of action you should have taken was to voluntarily tell, what you had done with the map. Save yourself some misery. The outcome would have been the same either way.” Bafflingly, Ren seemed to sincerely believe his logic was completely flawless, so Poe could do nothing but gawk at him. 

“You’re insane, you know that?” he managed to say.

“I wonder, which of us is the insane one. Resisting just for the sake of resisting, subjecting yourself to pain even though you knew you couldn’t win. I hope you’ve learned something.”

“So, your plan of making me love you is just you threatening to hurt me unless I do what you want? How romantic.” Poe saw Ren’s cheeks get redder even in the dim light. He was treading on some thin kriffing ice. 

Ren strode towards the bed, and Poe lifted his arms to defend himself, but he was no match for the bigger man in his weakened state. Ren grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him down on the bed. Poe’s back and ribs screamed in protest, but Poe just gritted his teeth, determined not to show any pain. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Ren said, hovering over him. “You can’t deny the connection between us. The Force binds us, whether you want it or not. I’ll always find you no matter where you go. You can’t return to the Resistance without endangering them, and I assure you, there’s no place in the galaxy where I wouldn’t come get you.” 

“Sometimes if you love something, you gotta let it go. Ever heard of that?” Poe said, trying to dislodge Ren’s hold on him but his grip was too firm. 

“If I let you go, you’d just return to your pitiful band of rebels. Perhaps not their main base, but you’d find some other group associated with them. You wouldn’t be able to keep away from the rebellion, there’s no doubt about it. But the Resistance will be destroyed eventually, and I will not have you fall with them. I’m keeping you safe.” He stood up again, releasing his hold on Poe. “This is your life now. Whether you choose to make the most of it and be happy, or keep resisting, is up to you. You know which option I’d prefer.” There was a hint of sadness on Ren’s face as he turned away from Poe. “I’ll sleep in the next room. I’d advise you not to do anything stupid like try to escape, you’re in no condition to do that.”

“And whose fault is that?” Poe asked, but Ren didn’t deign him an answer.

“Someone will come in tomorrow to check on your injuries, so try not to make them worse.”

He closed the door behind him, leaving Poe in darkness.

Great. This was just great. 

Poe hated to admit it, but Ren was right. He couldn’t escape in the state that he was in. And to make matters worse, even if he was, he wouldn’t get very far. 

The Force had chained him once again. 

There was nothing he could do.

No, that wasn’t entirely correct. He had a few options. None of which he liked. 

The first option was to ignore all the things that had happened after leaving Puulon and pretend that nothing had changed in their relationship since their blissful time on the paradise planet. But then again, some of the stuff was pretty hard to ignore. Like the fact that they were on a First Order ship, the Finalizer to be exact. Not exactly a place to encourage new beginnings. Doubtless, it would mean betraying the Resistance as well. Ren would rummage through his brain for all the things Resistance eventually, Poe had no illusions about that.

The second option would be to keep doing what he did best, which was to keep resisting and which would undoubtedly get the most on Ren’s nerves. Not complying with anything, keep being an annoyance to everyone. It wouldn’t take long for Ren to lose his temper and kill him. A rebel without a cause.

Then there was of course the third option. Taking his own life before anyone else could. His last chance to display some autonomy. It was a comforting thought in a way.

He would go with the second option, for now. He could always change his mind later.


	35. Chapter 35

Seeing Poe awake had lifted Kylo’s spirits momentarily, but his delight hadn’t lasted long. Poe had made it clear that he wouldn’t forgive him easily. He hadn’t meant to push Poe on the bed, but he had acted before he realized the contact would hurt Poe, since his injuries hadn’t yet healed. The doctor hadn’t lied when she had told him that the wounds he had sustained were serious. 

But he had needed to make Poe see that he was only doing what was best for him. The Resistance would soon be finished, and the First Order would rule the galaxy. He would rule the galaxy. 

It was only a matter of time before he would murder his master. Snoke was old and his time was long due. It was a tradition for the apprentice to kill their master and rise to their position, and Kylo could barely wait for the moment he finally got rid of the ancient Sith. However, failure would also mean certain death and the master would only take a new apprentice. Kylo didn’t worry about such things. His victory would be certain. 

He was also certain that Poe would return to his senses sooner or later. He was smart. Kylo had all the faith that he would eventually realize that he offered him the best position in the known universe by his side. However, Poe was also loyal to a fault, which might hinder his acceptance of the situation, but Kylo expected that loyalty to turn in his favor with time. Of course, he didn’t want to wait for that to happen, but he couldn’t force the matter, since it would only strengthen Poe’s distrust in him. But patience wasn’t one of his strong suits. 

Poe kept acting difficult. The morning after Kylo’s visit, the nurses came to check on Poe and apply fresh bacta to his injuries. Now that he was awake, Kylo could see the severity of his wounds and how they bothered him. Perhaps he should have listened to the doctor, when she told him it would be best to keep him under her supervision. However, despite his condition, Poe did everything he could to refuse the treatment, fighting back as best as he could. He had no reason for it. He just wanted to show Kylo that he would never do what he wanted voluntarily, even at the expense of his own health. 

The nurses looked at Kylo questioningly, unsure what to do. Kylo sighed, the sound distorted by the helmet he had put on before the nurses had entered his quarters. He was tired of this game already, and it had only started. He opened the door leading outside and gestured a couple of stormtroopers to enter. 

“Hold him down.”

The troopers moved swiftly to Poe’s bedside and flipped him on his stomach when the nurses told them they needed to see his back. Poe kept struggling and Kylo worried that he would injure himself further, but he was kept firmly in place. One of the nurses lifted Poe’s shirt up while the other started cutting the bandages surrounding his torso. The dried blood had glued the soft material to his skin, and when it was removed, it tore some of the wounds open again. Poe cursed into his pillow, clearly in pain, but he didn’t cease in his attempts to break free even if it probably only deepened his agony. 

Kylo fought the urge to run to his side, to pet his hair, to tell him that it would be alright. But he knew better than to show such weakness in front of his underlings. Besides, Poe would probably try to bite his hand off, if he tried anything of the sort. So, he stayed where he was and observed the operation taking place from afar. The nurses were swift in what they were doing, and soon Poe had his upper body wrapped in fresh bandages. 

Poe was left panting on the bed, and Kylo dismissed everyone else with the wave of his hand. Everyone hurried out of the room, clearly wishing to spend as little time in his proximity as they could possibly get away with. Kylo couldn’t blame them. He was aware of his reputation. 

Once the door had closed behind the last stormtrooper, Kylo removed his helmet and sat down on the bed. He didn’t know what to do. 

“Why did you resist the treatment?” Kylo asked, although he suspected he already knew the answer. 

“There isn’t much else to do,” came the muffled answer. 

Kylo sighed and ran a hand through his hair. His patience was running thin, but he wouldn’t hurt Poe, no matter how much he would try to get on his nerves.

“You do realize that if you co-operate and behave yourself, you’ll eventually gain some privileges? Once you’re better, you can even walk around the ship.”

Poe didn’t answer, but Kylo could basically hear him thinking and plotting ways to use such privileges to his advantage. He also saw the nearly unnoticeable slump of his shoulders, when he remembered that any escape plans would be futile. Even if he managed to get away, Kylo would just hunt him down again. 

“In time, you’ll learn to tolerate this place. Not like, I’m not that optimistic, as I find the ship dreary myself, but you get accustomed to it. Besides,” Kylo placed his gloved hand on Poe’s ankle, and caressed it lightly. “We won’t need to stay here long. Once we’ve gotten rid of Snoke, we can go where-ever we want. Nothing in the galaxy can stop us, when we’re the ones ruling it.”

“Is that a way to talk about your employer?” Poe asked, and turned his head a bit to peer at Kylo curiously. Kylo was pleasantly surprised about the unexpected eye-contact. Maybe they were finally getting somewhere. Or at least he had piqued his interest. 

“That old fool is in no way above me. He’s as good as dead.” 

“You’re not worried I’d run to him and tell him all about your plans if I get to roam the ship freely?”

“First of all, it’s not like you’d be able to waltz just anywhere. Not until I’m in power, at least. Secondly, he already knows I’m coming for him.”

“What?” Poe’s look was pure confusion.

“It’s a tradition. The apprentice kills the master and takes his place. Simple as that.”

“Wouldn’t a letter of resignation be more modern?” 

Kylo wasn’t amused by the joke, but he didn’t let his anger flare. He squeezed Poe’s ankle one more time before getting up from the bed. 

“I hope you’ll find it in yourself to behave from now on. Your life will be easier if you accept that this is how things are going to be.”

To his surprise, Poe nodded. 

“This is how things are going to be.”

***

Kylo should have known that Poe’s words hadn’t meant that he would accept the state of things and start behaving. No, Poe resisted just as much as he had the first time the nurses came to check on him. Poe was determined to continue his useless rebellion until the bitter end. So, this was how’s it going to be?

Poe’s life was a constant fight. Whenever someone came close to him and tried to touch him, whether it be to change his bandages or help him wash, Poe would do his best to make the task as difficult as possible. 

On a positive note, at least Poe was getting some physical exercise with the wrestling matches he constantly engaged in. His wounds started healing despite his protests, and he could now walk on his own, which allowed him to clean himself, thus reducing the fights on that front. However, even if he was well enough to walk around the room, Kylo couldn’t grant him access to the rest of the ship. He was still too unpredictable and would probably wreak havoc just for the sake of it. 

And worst of all, Poe showed no signs of starting to accept Kylo.

He was at a loss of what to do. 

He couldn’t force Poe to like him. At the moment, he couldn’t even tolerate him. 

Maybe he should beg for forgiveness. He doubted Poe would believe him, especially when he didn’t believe it himself. He didn’t regret any of the things he had done. He had needed the location of the map, there was no way around it. Although, he must admit that he wasn’t sure if he’d been capable of it had Poe known who he was. He’d still been wearing the mask when he looked into his mind. And he definitely didn’t regret bringing him to the Finalizer the second time. This was the only place in the galaxy where he would be safe, when they eventually crushed the rebels. 

If only he would let him closer, he could show him that he was still the same man he had met on Puulon. 

An idea started to form at the back of his mind at that. 

Although he couldn’t do much to change Poe’s mind, there were ways he could make them closer.

Kylo rushed to his personal library, where he had a small collection of ancient Jedi and Sith texts. Most of the time it was hard to tell which were which. He had promised himself not to use the Force on Poe, but he was running out of options. Besides, he wouldn’t try to affect his mind directly to make him love him. He only sought to strengthen their already existing bond. 

He immediately found a book that seemed to cater to his interest. The texts all concentrated on Force bonds. He spent the night going through the book, and by the time the morning came, he had finally found a solution to his problem.


	36. Chapter 36

Poe was slowly starting to lose it. Surviving solitary confinement wasn’t exactly one of his strengths. The nurses had stopped coming once the doctor had declared that there was nothing more they could do. His back had an assortment of small scars now, which would remind him of the battle for the rest of his life, but they didn’t bother him otherwise anymore. His ribs had healed as well, and his insides didn’t feel like a painful mush whenever he tried to move. The only person he saw daily was the stormtrooper, who brought him his food. Although he wasn’t sure if it was the same one every time, since they only left the tray on the table by the door and didn’t say a word to him. So, his social encounters were down to a minimum. 

He hadn’t seen Ren in days. 

In the beginning, he would visit him every chance he could, and he was always there supervising when the nurses came to tend to him, clearly not trusting them completely. The visits were usually very brief, and Poe suspected it was because Ren wanted to prevent himself from strangling Poe right then and there. Poe knew he had been teetering on a very thin line when he kept agitating Ren, but honestly, what else was he supposed to do? Just submit to his will? As if. 

He was bored out of his skull. He flopped down on the bed, sighing audibly. There was nothing to do in the room, but he would rather die than ask anyone for something to read or something. Any distraction would be welcome at this point. 

Even seeing Ren had its perks. At least the arguments gave him something to do, even if the risk of going too far would result in a death penalty. But then again, if he was dead, he wouldn’t be bored.

Now, that went too far. He wasn’t quite that desperate. 

And now that he thought more carefully about it, seeing Ren twisted his insides and made him feel worse than any amount of boredom he could possibly amass. Perhaps he preferred his monotonous life over seeing him after all. 

And, as if on cue, the door opened. 

There he was, standing in the doorway. He stepped slowly inside, looking at Poe as if he was seeing him for the first time. 

Poe sat up on the bed and swallowed. He had a bad feeling about this. 

“How have you been?” Ren asked.

Now that took Poe aback. He had expected pretty much anything else but small talk. 

“Just splendid. I’m having the best time! All these four walls to look at, personable staff. Oh, and the food is magnificent. And how about you? Busy bullying some troopers, I assume, since I haven’t seen you around.” The sarcasm left his tongue before he could do anything to stop it, but Ren didn’t seem affected as he sat down at his usual place at the foot of Poe’s bed. Weird, usually he rose to the smallest taunt. 

“I’ve been busy studying the Force,” he corrected Poe, who felt a small shiver run up his spine. He hoped Ren hadn’t noticed. “I found something… interesting.”

“A Force manual about how to stop being an ass?”

“We both know that joking is just an avoidance strategy, because you’re too afraid to hold a serious conversation,” Ren said, but he still didn’t seem annoyed, which perplexed Poe. Their earlier conversations had usually ended with Ren leaving the room in frustration, but now he seemed calm and collected even when faced with Poe’s antics. Which made him all the more terrifying. Poe resisted the urge to fidget. 

“This conversation is a joke on its own,” Poe said, dropping the act. “First, you drag me here on this ship against my will, then I don’t see you in days, and now you marched in asking how I’m doing as if we just met on street by coincidence.”

“So you missed me?” The look on Ren’s face was genuine surprise, and Poe could have kicked himself. His words had come out all wrong. That hadn’t been what he had meant. 

“That’s not…” Poe’s argument trailed off before he could finish it. Ren had moved closer and placed a warm hand on his knee. Poe’s first instinct was to jerk his leg away or swat at the offending hand, but he refrained from doing either of those. A terrifying prospect suddenly occurred to him.

He could have removed Ren’s hand off of him. He could have held his own now that his wounds had healed, if the removal offended Ren enough to result in a physical fight. 

But he wouldn’t stand a chance if Ren decided to use the Force on him. Before, Poe had been so weak that Ren hadn’t had the need to resort to such tricks, but now that Poe had his strength back, Ren might use it to gain an upper hand. 

Poe was more afraid of the Force than he liked to admit. It was against his nature, but enduring the physical touch for now was worth the sacrifice, if the risk of being subjected to that power lessened. 

As was to be expected, Ren took his acceptance the wrong way. He smiled at Poe, and his hand became bolder, moving slightly upwards on Poe’s thigh. He shifted on the bed, so he could sit closer to Poe, who still hadn’t done anything to stop him. Poe could almost feel the intense gaze burning his skin. 

Poe didn’t know what to do. 

If he resisted, Ren might use the Force, but if he didn’t… He didn’t even know what would happen. 

But there was one thing he knew. It couldn’t be worse than the Force. Whatever happened to his physical body couldn’t be as bad as having his mind trampled on. He had had his fair share of physical torture in the past. He could deal with whatever Ren had in mind at the moment. 

Still, Poe shivered when he felt Ren’s other hand on his shoulder, guiding him gently to lie down on the bed. You can do this, he kept telling himself. You’ve endured way worse things in your lifetime. 

Ren lied down on his side next to Poe, leaning on his elbow, watching him. He trailed his hand down Poe’s chest, stopping just above his heart. Poe was sure Ren could feel his frantically beating heart, but he could do nothing to calm it down. 

“I forgot to tell you what I discovered about the Force. It was the reason I came to see you in the first place,” Ren murmured softly. Poe’s heart beat impossibly faster. “You and I share a Force connection, you know that already. But there are ways to make such a connection stronger.”

“We are plenty close already, don’t you think?” Poe’s throat felt dry as he said the words, fearing where this conversation was headed. He lifted his hand, willing it not to shake too badly, and rested it on top of Ren’s. 

Ren looked at their hands, lifted his own from under Poe’s and interlaced their fingers together. 

“Not as close as I’d like,” Ren said and shifted closer, hovering over him slightly. “You’re intoxicating. I need to have all of you.”

Poe was nearly panicking at this point. He didn’t know what Ren was planning, but he was sure he wouldn’t like it. 

“You already have me. Look, I know I haven’t been on my best behavior recently, but that’s just because this whole situation is so new, and it all came as a bit of a shock, you know? I can do better, I promise,” he tried to explain frantically. He was breathing more heavily now, and it felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest, right into Ren’s expecting hand. 

But Ren just moved his hand away from the spot, and left Poe’s own hand feeling terrifyingly cold. He shifted again, this time to lie on top of Poe, supporting himself on his elbows, his face directly above Poe’s. Poe wanted to sigh in relief. Maybe he would be satisfied with his body after all. 

Ren caressed the side of his face, looking at him with half-lidded eyes. 

“I know you’re scared of the Force, but it will enable us to be closer to each other than we’d ever hope to be otherwise. I read about this certain connection from one of the secret Jedi texts in my possession. The connection is ancient and very powerful, but it hasn’t been used in ages. The Jedi are cowards, afraid of its power,” Ren said while stroking Poe’s cheek with his thumb. Poe was starting to realize that Ren was still going to go through with his plan of using the Force. Fear seized him.

“There’s probably a good reason why they don’t use it. Maybe it’s too powerful,” Poe said hastily. He couldn’t let this happen. 

Ren didn’t answer. He had a concentrated look on his face and Poe knew that he was done reasoning. Poe started struggling. He pushed at Ren, trying to move him from on top of him, but Ren seized his wrists with one swift movement and pinned them to the mattress. He couldn’t move. Ren’s weight on top of him prevented him from doing anything now that he no longer could use his hands. 

Poe looked into Ren’s eyes. The power in them made him feel helpless. 

“Please, don’t do this.” Poe couldn’t remember ever begging for anything, but he couldn’t care less. “I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll be good. I won’t joke or be a pain in the ass anymore. I’m completely yours, I promise.” He was close to crying, but Ren didn’t even seem to hear him, too lost in the Force. Poe tried to yank his wrists free from Ren’s iron grip, but his efforts were in vain. 

Ren lowered his head, so their foreheads were touching, and Poe could feel the massive power lurking there at the edges of his mind, waiting. 

“Please,” he sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading this far! If you've enjoyed seeing me torture our poor Poe, or are in a desperate need to get rid of your money, consider buying me a coffee at ko-fi.com: <https://ko-fi.com/monnibor/>
> 
> And, the best thing is: if you buy me a coffee (or several if you're feeling adventurous), you don't need to be satisfied only with my everlasting love and affection, but you can also get something in return!


	37. Chapter 37

It was dark.

Poe stared up at the pitch-black sky far above him. There was nothing to see, but still it felt like the massive darkness was closing in on him. Waiting to devour him whole. He had traveled to innumerous places in the galaxy and he had never seen a sky quite like that before. It was unnerving. 

Where was he?

He felt something grainy under his fingertips. Sand. He was lying on sand. 

Now that he started listening, he could hear waves in the distance. Was he on a beach? 

Poe turned his head to the side, away from the sky that sent a sense of impending doom running down his spine and looked at his surroundings.

There wasn’t a lot to see. 

But he had been right. He was lying on a beach. The ocean was black and looked treacherously calm in the distance, but the blindingly white sand under him radiated warmth and made Poe feel more at ease. 

It felt like a hug. Poe wished he could just sink into the warm sand and fall asleep. Potentially forever. It would keep him warm, protect him, he would never have to be afraid again or feel pain. He couldn’t explain the sensation, but subconsciously he knew that there was something special in the whiteness around him.

It was like home. 

Poe sank his fingers into the sand.

He couldn’t quite understand why the sand was so important, but somehow he knew that he needed to hold on to it. He tried to sit up to get a better look at the ocean that seemed to have creeped just a little closer while he hadn’t been paying attention but found out that he couldn’t. He was part of the sand. 

He could hear the waves coming closer. He hadn’t imagined it.

Just moments ago, the ocean had been calm, barely any waves in sight, but the situation had changed in the blink of an eye. The water level rose higher and higher with every wave, trying to get to Poe. He wouldn’t be able to run away from the ocean as he was stuck in the sand, and he definitely couldn’t stop it. The water would reach him eventually and cover the sand. How high it would rise, he had no idea, but somewhere deep down he knew that he didn’t want the black ocean to reach him. It sent the same sense of foreboding running through him as the sky did. Poe clutched the sand harder. 

The waves were now almost touching the soles of his feet. They retreated one more time, but when they came back they could finally climb high enough to touch him, and the first droplets landed on his skin. 

At that precise moment, Poe could feel that he wasn’t alone anymore. Ren’s presence flooded his mind and it felt like he was everywhere at once. His voice filled his head, and Poe couldn’t even cover his ears to keep him out. Not like it would have done anything as the voice echoed from inside of him.

“I made this beach for us. Do you like it?”

“Don’t resist the connection, it’ll be easier.”

“You’re mine.” 

“We’ll be together forever.” 

“I love you.”

Poe couldn’t concentrate on anything. Ren’s voice filled his head with a cacophony of messages. He couldn’t get him out of his head any more than he could stop the ocean that was lapping at his calves now. He didn’t understand. They had been on the Finalizer only moments ago. He had to be dreaming. What was this place?

“This isn’t real,” Poe managed to gasp, but the increasing wetness around him made him suspect his words. It felt real.

“You’re not dreaming.”

“This is real.” 

“The Force is real.”

Poe was attacked with another flood of messages which left his mind reeling. When he recovered, he could feel that the waves had reached his fingers and were now washing away the sand he had been clutching. The grains drifted away from between his fingers and Poe knew with a sense dread that he had just lost something very important. 

“It is time.”

“Don’t be afraid.”

“It’ll be over soon.”

“I’ll be with you.”

“What’s happening? What are you doing? I don’t want this!” Poe yelled desperately, trying in vain to get away, but he couldn’t move a single muscle. He was as good as paralyzed. The waves were lapping at his ears now, the water level increasing rapidly. It wouldn’t take long until he was fully submerged. Ren’s presence seemed to get even more encompassing, taking over his whole being. “It isn’t too late to stop, Ren. I beg of you. Please don’t do this.” He had stopped yelling. He knew Ren would hear him even if he didn’t utter a single word. Ren was once again trespassing in his mind, but Poe knew that this time he was not going to leave. He would hear what he was thinking whether Poe wanted it or not. 

The water level had reached the corners of his mouth and Poe could taste the suffocating darkness in it. It resembled more ink than water. He had no doubts that he would get very familiar with the taste soon enough. The next dark wave covered his eyes, so he could no longer see the ominous black sky. Poe didn’t know if it was a blessing or not. He knew the next wave would cover him completely.

His self-preservation instincts forced him to take one last desperate breath before the last wave swept over him and hid him from view. 

He was now fully submerged. He couldn’t feel the sand under him anymore, but he found that he could move his limbs again. He opened his eyes, but it made no difference. There was only darkness. Seconds ago, there had been only enough water to barely cover him, but now he couldn’t find the surface no matter which direction he reached. He had lost his sense of direction. He didn’t know which way was up, but he doubted it would matter even if he did. The darkness surrounded him so completely that the surface might as well not exist anymore. He could feel Ren in every drop of water around him, touching him everywhere all at once. 

He wouldn’t be able to hold his breath for much longer. 

“Just let go.”

“I’m here.”

“No one will be able to separate us.”

“No one loves you like I do.”

“No one will take you away from me.”

“No one.”

“Come to me.”

A vortex was starting to form around Poe, Ren’s words making it flow stronger. He was pulled even deeper into the dark, the pressure increasing around him.

Poe’s lungs were burning. Every cell in his body demanded him to breathe, but once he did it would all be over.

“It won’t be the end.” 

“It will be the beginning.”

Poe put his hands in front of his mouth to prevent himself from trying to draw breath, but the urge became too overwhelming for his body. 

Despite his best efforts to stop it, his treacherous lungs drew in the black water. 

Poe let his hands fall from his face in defeat. He wanted to despair, but he didn't have the energy for such a feat. The only thing he could do was to accept that this was it and come to terms with his life during the last few seconds that his brains would still function before they shut down from the lack of oxygen. 

The black liquid seeped into his core, filling his lungs. 

He drowned.


	38. Chapter 38

The connection hadn’t worked out the way Kylo had planned. 

When they returned from the world he had created, it had become obvious that he had failed in creating the bond. They were supposed to be able to share a consciousness and visit each other’s mind at will, but the connection was clearly lacking. Kylo was aware that the bond was not all-encompassing and it had its short-comings, but it was still supposed to work better. He had read that it wouldn’t allow them to search around each other’s minds the way he had done to Poe when he had interrogated him, but they should have been able to see each other’s conscious minds and whatever they were thinking at the moment. This also meant that they should have been able to see what the other one was seeing.

However, something had obviously gone wrong. For some reason the connection only worked in one direction, and Kylo didn’t know why. He could see into Poe’s mind as clear as a day if he as much as thought of the other man, but for some reason Poe couldn’t do the same to him.

There were a few potential reasons why that was the case. The first and most likely one was the fact that Poe wasn’t the least bit Force sensitive. The text Kylo had consulted had talked about two Jedis forming the connection, but it hadn’t mentioned what would happen if one attempted to form the bond with someone who couldn’t use the Force. 

He had been too hasty. He should have investigated more to learn what the requirements were for the bond to work. 

Another thing that may have affected the end-result was the painful observation that Poe had resisted the bonding the whole duration of the process. Kylo knew Poe was deadly afraid of the Force and that he himself was the reason behind it, but he had still believed he could make Poe understand that he was doing it for them. He had wished that Poe would get over his fear once he saw what great things the Force could do. 

Well, it was obvious that he had made things a whole lot worse. 

When the bond had formed, and they had returned back to reality, Kylo had nearly collapsed on top of Poe from exhaustion. However, when he had seen the blank look on Poe’s face, he had immediately forgotten his fatigue and cradled his face in his hands. He had been about to ask if he was okay, but he had realized that there was no need for such questions any more. The answer had been clearly written in Poe’s mind. 

In short, it was “no”.

Poe had lost his will to fight, his courage replaced by apathy, which was so unlike Poe that it made Kylo’s stomach clench. Poe had stared at the ceiling without really seeing it and just lay there, not reacting to anything. A single tear had formed in the corner of his eye, and Kylo had used his thumb to wipe it away before it could fall, but Poe hadn’t even twitched. 

He had fucked up. He had meant to give Poe something special, a connection other people couldn’t even dream about, but he had ended up just taking it for himself, never giving anything in return. Kylo could effortlessly feel the channel that let him see inside Poe’s head, but a channel going to another direction just simply didn’t exist. Even if Poe attempted to visit his mind, he wouldn’t be able to. 

He had managed to alienate Poe even more. He hadn’t considered it possible, but that was definitely the case. If Poe’s trust in him had been frail before, it must have been non-existent now.

He hadn’t meant this to happen. 

Kylo stroked his thumb along Poe’s cheek, trying to somehow reassure him that everything was fine. It didn’t work. The only thoughts going through Poe’s mind circled around one specific subject.

_Don’t think. He can’t have your thoughts if you don’t think._

Kylo sighed. He was torn between staying by his love’s side and giving him space. On one hand, he wanted to hold him close, to tell him he was sorry, that he hadn’t meant it to be like this. On the other hand, if he left Poe alone, he might regain some sense of being in control of his life if Kylo only managed to stay out of his head for a while. It would be hard. The connection would activate immediately if he thought of him, and he tended to do that a lot. He knew that Poe could feel his presence in his mind whenever the connection was active, but he imagined that whenever he would leave his mind Poe wouldn’t be able to feel the connection at all. His insensitivity to the Force may have been a blessing in that regard, since he wouldn’t have to feel the unbalanced bond at all times.

Kylo didn’t want to break the bond. He wasn’t even sure if he could. The texts he had in his possession didn’t mention such a thing. 

Poe would learn to accept the connection. He had to. He just needed some time to adjust. 

Kylo leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to Poe’s forehead before standing up. He spared one more remorseful look towards him before walking to the door and leaving him in peace. 

Giving Poe space physically had been the easy part. Now he would have to stop thinking about him and leave his mind alone. It seemed like an impossible task. For the last few weeks, every waking moment of his day had been filled only with thoughts of Poe. He would need to distract himself somehow.

Kylo walked to the command bridge and saw Hux just like he had anticipated. If talking to him didn’t stop him from thinking about Poe then nothing would. The man had an unmatchable talent of annoying Kylo to no end. 

It was clear that Hux hadn’t expected him to turn up on the bridge. The look of surprise on his face quickly turned into scorn when he saw Kylo walking towards him.

“So, you finally decided to stop playing with your new pet. Got bored of him already?” Hux asked when Kylo reached him. Kylo’s judgement had been right. He was already annoyed. But Hux’s enquiry hadn’t advanced his mission of getting Poe out of his head. Or him out of Poe’s head for that matter.

“If you mention him again, I’ll cut the head of your shoulders,” Kylo answered, but he couldn’t muster real threat behind his words and Hux noticed it. 

“Touchy subject, huh? What are you even planning to do with him? It’s not like he’ll be of any use in locating the new rebel base. They wouldn’t have chosen a place he knows now that they’re aware of your interrogating tactics.”

“What I do with him is none of your business.”

“It is,” Hux stated, his anger flaring up. “You’ve brought a security threat to our ship and haven’t even confined him properly! Your bedroom isn’t exactly the most secure of prison cells. He’ll figure out a way to get through the door eventually. He’s had military training for god’s sake!” 

Hux’s outburst had brought Kylo’s patience to its limits, but he refused to let his temper show. But he needed to get back to him somehow, and he had figured out how to do just that.

“Then you’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve decided to let him roam the ship freely from now on. So, there is no need to worry about your precious doors.”

“What? You can’t be serious! What if he escapes and steals some critical information from us and delivers it straight to the rebels?”

“He won’t escape, I’ve taken care of that.” It was true. No matter where Poe ventured on the ship, Kylo would only need to think about him and he would see everything Poe saw.

“And I take it you have no intention to share how you’ve ensured that.” Kylo didn’t say anything, but his silence answered Hux’s question, nonetheless. “Look, I don’t know what kind of a game you’re playing with that pilot, but if your actions are compromising the security of the First Order, I’m inclined to report to the supreme leader.”

“He’s not a threat.” 

“He’s a rebel, of course he’s a threat. You’re delusional if you think that you can make him change sides no matter what you think your relationship is. Even if you managed to convince him to join us, he’d defect and betray us the first chance he got. That’s what rebels do.” Hux sighed and crossed his arms across his chest. “You can’t trust them.”

“Poe can’t betray me.”

“Your loyalty to your pet is admirable, but yes, yes he can.”

“No, he really can’t. Literally. I told you I would take care of things. I don’t leave loose ends.” Kylo’s voice left no room for doubt, and Hux seemed to finally grasp that Kylo wasn’t as out of it as Hux had originally assumed.

“What exactly have you done with that pilot,” Hux asked carefully.

Kylo turned to look straight at Hux. The helmet covered his face, but everything in his body language told Hux that he was done talking about Poe. Hux swallowed nervously, and being the smart man he was, decided to drop the subject.

“Right,” Hux managed to say before an awkward silence landed on the bridge. 

They both gazed out of the window, where the infinity of space stared back at them. 

“Any luck in locating the rebels?” Kylo finally asked, ending the silence.

“Apart from the one in your bedroom? No.”

Kylo swore that if Hux mentioned Poe even one more time, he would choke him right there and then without hesitation. Fortunately, Hux seemed to have lost his interest in Poe and started reporting what measures they had taken to find their new base. Talking about the Resistance was not an ideal way to get Poe out of his mind, but he didn’t really have a choice in the matter.


	39. Chapter 39

How had his life turned out like this?

Although, it didn’t really feel like his life belonged to him anymore. 

Poe stared at the ceiling. He had been doing that for what felt like days now. He had lost track of the time. If he kept staring at the never-changing surface, he wouldn’t have to think about anything of value and risk losing it to Ren. 

He wouldn’t be able to keep that up for long anymore, though. The sensory deprivation made his mind race, and his concentration was getting worse and worse every passing day. 

Ren came to visit occasionally but he never stayed for long when he saw that Poe still refused to react to anything he said or did. Poe knew Ren’s little experiment had failed and that he wasn’t happy with the result, but he still didn’t show any signs of wanting to undo what he did.

Despair was taking over Poe. If he couldn’t call his mind his own, what did he have left? He was starting to entertain some dark thoughts again about the plans he had made when he was first captured, but he cut them short. He knew that if Ren saw what he was contemplating, he would never leave his head again and would probably chain him in his bed to prevent Poe from doing anything drastic. 

Ren’s presence flittered into his mind at seemingly random intervals. Sometimes Poe couldn’t sense him for hours, but other times he seemed to drop by every few seconds. It was infuriating, but Poe didn’t dread those visits as much as those when Ren would stay for extended periods of time. These were usually before the long silent period, so Poe suspected that Ren must have been thinking about him before falling asleep. Whenever, he felt that small push that indicated Ren’s arrival, Poe would renew his interest in the ceiling. 

However, he couldn’t do that when he was asleep himself. When he was awake, all he could sense from Ren was his presence, and he couldn’t actually tell what he was thinking since the connection had failed. The problem was that when he slept, things changed drastically. He dreamt normally, but if Ren chose to visit his mind then, he would be able to communicate with him and not just observe what was going through his head. In a way, it resembled their experience on the beach with the black ocean. Ren would try to talk to him, but it all became a jumbled mess of messages, all trying to reach him at once. Poe had no idea why this was happening. Maybe his mind was more receptive to Ren when he was asleep.

Poe avoided sleeping as much as he could. The feeling was too overwhelming, and he often woke up disoriented and drenched in sweat. He knew he couldn’t stay awake forever, so he tried to fit his sleeping schedule with Ren’s, but usually Ren woke up before Poe and his visits became a nightly occurrence. 

Poe was sure he would never get used to the connection, and quite frankly, he didn’t want to. He had no desire for this to become a normal thing for him. Someone having access to his thoughts day and night was a concept out of a nightmare, but nevertheless, it had become his reality. He would need to learn how to cope with it even if he never learned to accept it. 

Ren had told him that Poe was now allowed to explore the ship at will, but Poe had yet to exercise his new freedom. He was starting to consider it though. He couldn’t keep staring at the ceiling for the rest of his life. If he ventured out, he could fill his head with trivial thoughts that wouldn’t endanger the Resistance. 

And maybe he could find an unguarded airlock while he was at it. 

Poe knew he couldn’t run away from Ren, but there was one place left where he couldn’t follow him. 

At least he hoped he couldn’t. He had heard about Force ghosts and how Jedis could talk to Force sensitive people from behind the grave, but since Poe was no Jedi, he was pretty sure that when he was dead he was dead. 

Kriff, he wasn’t supposed to think about these things. He couldn’t let Ren see what he was contemplating. He really needed to get out and occupy his mind with something else. 

Poe sat up on the bed and winced. He had barely moved since the bond had been formed, and his muscles hadn’t enjoyed the inactivity.

He rummaged through the closet for new clothes. He hadn’t changed for days and he was sure he smelled ripe. Now that he thought about it, he was probably in need of a shower as well. Not even fresh clothes would hide that fact. He could probably use a shave as well. 

He got those tasks quickly out of the way and put on the clothes he had found. Ren had brought him a pile of them when he had first arrived, and although the garments were quite unimaginative (and black), they fit him and that was the important part. Ren had even given him a pair of shoes after he had announced that Poe could now walk around the ship freely.

Poe stood in front of the door and took a deep breath. He had seen nothing but this room for what felt like ages. Poe suspected that it must have been weeks but there was no way to be sure of the exact time. He braced himself and pushed the button next to the door, which made the door slide sideways and revealed a corridor behind it. 

Poe stepped out and looked both ways trying to decide which way to go. Both directions seemed identical, so he just picked at random and turned left. He was thankful that he hadn’t encountered anyone just yet, since he had no idea what the stormtroopers would do when they sighted him. He hoped they were briefed that there would be a rebel walking in their midst and that he shouldn’t be shot the second they saw him. 

The indistinguishable corridors seemed to go on endlessly and Poe was perfectly lost only after a few turns. Not like he had payed any attention to where he was going or particularly cared. He would figure something out. And even if he didn’t, Ren would surely come get him if he didn’t return to his room at some point. 

Just when he had finished forming that thought, he could feel that familiar push that indicated Ren’s arrival. Poe tried to empty his mind and concentrate on his surroundings. Gray walls, gray floor, gray ceiling. Whoever had designed this ship had really liked gray. Poe could respect that. Gray was quite nice. The ceiling he had stared previously had also been gray. A bit different shade perhaps but gray, nevertheless. Gray was a good neutral color. Nothing fancy. Just gray.

Poe could feel Ren leave his mind as abruptly as he had arrived. Apparently, he had managed to bore him out of his mind. Poe had thought that he would have stayed longer, seeing that Poe had finally exited his room but maybe he was busy. Poe wasn’t complaining. He liked having his mind to himself. 

After walking some more, he finally arrived into a larger hall where he finally saw the first stormtroopers. He decided to slink away quietly, trying to avoid an encounter with them, but a small group closest to the entrance had already seen him. They made their way towards him, and Poe’s first instinct was to flee, but that would just get him shot in the back. So, he stood his ground with no idea what to expect. 

“Look guys. The rebel has finally left his den,” said the apparent leader of the group. He reached him first and circled behind him so that Poe could abandon his last hopes of running away. 

“Can’t believe these things cause us so much trouble. I could break him with just two of my fingers,” the biggest one said and stepped right in front of Poe to tower over him. Poe looked up to see him in the eye, but expectedly, the helmet was on the way. He was just about to retort something back when he felt that familiar push again. Ren was seeing this. 

“Maybe we should test your theory.” The leader caught Poe by the neck of his shirt, but he didn’t struggle. There really was no point. 

“Guys, I don’t know about this. Ren said not to mess with him. We’ll get in huge trouble,” said a smallish trooper who had remained on the sidelines. She was the only one with common sense then. 

“What he doesn’t know will not hurt him. We’ll just teach this rebel scum a little lesson, so he knows his place on this ship,” the leader said, grabbing Poe’s shirt tighter and yanking him closer so he could whisper in his ear. “It’s not a very nice place.”

The big one laughed at that and took hold of Poe’s collar while the other one let go of his grip. He slammed Poe to the wall, which knocked the air straight out him, but he still didn’t resist. 

“You really shouldn’t have done that,” Poe said after his lungs started working again.

“Or what? You’ll…” the leader never got to finish his sentence. The telltale sound of a lightsaber being turned on cut him short, and they all turned around to look at the menacing figure that had appeared behind them. One moment he was just standing there, but the next he had closed up on them and was hacking them to pieces with fervor Poe had never witnessed in his life. He felt sick. Even the small one who had shown reluctance towards the whole thing met the same fate. Poe’s knees gave out and he slid down the wall to sit on the floor. 

Ren stood in the middle of the carnage, breathing heavily before turning off his lightsaber. He seemed to remember that Poe was still there and hurried to him. He crouched down to be on eye-level with him, but Poe refused to look at him.

Poe wasn’t sure what made Ren’s actions so repulsive to him. Poe himself had killed countless of stormtroopers without paying any mind whether they wanted to be part of the fight or not, and yet somehow what Ren had done had felt utterly wrong. 

Then he realized that it was because they were supposed to be on the same side. Despite the fact that they were fighting this war together, Ren still did what he wanted with the stormtroopers without paying any attention to their well-being. The similarities with his case were unmistakable. It didn’t matter if you were on his side. If he wanted, he would do whatever he wanted with you. 

“Are you alright?” Ren said and ran his hand gently down Poe’s cheek. 

“Stop treating me like you care. I’m just a pawn for you like all these soldiers here. You’re just using me for some wicked scheme of yours,” Poe answered and slapped the hand away from his face. 

Ren’s hand was suspended in mid-air and he looked unsure what to do with it, but eventually, he decided to use it to remove his helmet despite all the troopers hanging around. 

“I’m not pretending. I really do care. Do you think I would go to these lengths if I didn’t truly love you? I hope that one day, no matter how long it takes, you’ll remember that you used to feel the same.”

A silence fell upon them. Poe still hadn’t raised his eyes, but his emotions were in a complete turmoil. 

“You can have my body, hell, you can even have my mind, but you’ll never have my heart.” 

“Just give me time. You’ll be giving your heart willingly when you’re ready.” 

“You just don’t understand. I can’t. You already held it once and crushed it.” Poe shook his head. His voice was barely audible “I can’t give you something that doesn’t exist anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops. It's not a Saturday anywhere on the globe anymore, but better late than never. Honestly, I've been so busy with work it's a miracle that I managed to update at all. 
> 
> That said, Be My Prize will be on Christmas break, so there won't be an update next week. However, after that we'll continue with the familiar Saturday schedule, so rest assured, you'll get your weekly dose of suffering in the future as well. Use this break wisely to read all the fluffy Christmas fics so you'll feel all warm and fuzzy before it's time to return to the good old angst. 
> 
> Happy holidays!
> 
> p.s. I hear [coffees](https://ko-fi.com/monnibor%22) are great Christmas presents.


	40. Chapter 40

Preparations for the rescue mission had taken a lot longer than expected. The plan itself was relatively straight-forward: steal a First Order ship, disguise the rescuers as stormtroopers, get in the Finalizer, rescue Poe. 

Getting their hands on a ship had proved somewhat problematic. The ship they were looking for had to be big enough to accommodate four people and a droid, but small enough so that it wouldn’t attract any unwanted attention. The problem was that such ships rarely moved alone and were usually accompanied by other vessels, which made them hard to capture. It had taken them weeks to manage to lure one away from the others, but once they had successfully isolated it, securing it had been a piece of cake. In addition, they had gotten the uniforms they needed to blend in with the troopers onboard the Finalizer.

Finn had become exceedingly more anxious the longer the mission had been delayed, so when they had finally gathered everything they needed, he was ready rush straight into the Finalizer. He couldn’t even imagine the things Poe must have been going through. Poe was already scared of Rey and Luke, so how could he possibly endure being in the presence of someone who didn’t hesitate even a second to use the Force to his advantage even if it meant hurting someone they cared about. If you could call that caring. You didn’t do things like that to someone you loved. Finn hoped that Ren had realized that and hadn’t used the Force on Poe now that he had him again. His hopes weren’t high though. He knew that Ren wasn’t patient in the least, and if things didn’t go the way he wanted, he would make them go the way he wanted. 

And then there was Poe himself. Finn wasn’t entirely sure how Poe felt about Ren besides being afraid of him, but Finn just couldn’t picture Poe cowering in fear in front of anyone. He would fight back no matter how afraid he was. And he would get hurt. Finn needed to go get him. Now.

Arriving on a First Order marked ship may have been enough to deceive the radars and the technicians aboard the Finalizer, but since they wanted to keep additional risks to a minimum, they still decided to have the X-Wings distract the enemy while they got in. 

The rescuers were waiting for the fleet to notice the X-Wings in the distance. The fighters wouldn’t engage the enemy directly, since that would make them look suspicious, and they needed to keep that to a minimum to ensure that their ruse would work. Everyone in the stolen ship was waiting anxiously for the action to start, since it would mean that everyone’s attention would be elsewhere, and the hangars would be mostly empty. Finn, Rey, and Luke were all clad in stormtrooper gear, and even BB-8 had been repainted to make him look like he was one of the First Order droids. Originally, they had wanted the droid to stay with the ship while the others searched aboard the Finalizer, but the BB unit had nearly had a fit and demanded to be part of the action. 

“The ship is huge. How will we ever find him?” Rey asked while they were orbiting the star destroyer, waiting for a sign that the enemy had noticed the fighters. 

“Ren will want Poe close, so the most likely places for him to be are either Ren’s quarters or the holding cells. We’ll need to split up if we want to search them both,” Finn said, and hoped Poe would really be in one of the locations. He had no idea what they would do if that turned out not to be the case.

“I’ll take the droid and search the cells. You two go together to Ren’s quarters,” Luke declared, and Finn and Rey nodded in affirmation. 

They returned their attention to the Finalizer and hoped that the enemy would finally spot the bait.

They didn’t need to wait long. The hangar doors started opening and a swarm of TIE Fighters flew out. This was their chance. Everyone’s attention was turned towards the X-Wings and no-one would care that a small transport ship had decided to return to the star destroyer. 

They were right. No one paid any attention to them and they weren’t even asked to provide any codes to prove their identity. The distraction worked like a charm. 

They landed inside the hangar and parked their ship next to some larger vessels, trying to make the ship as unnoticeable and uninteresting as possible. Their next objective was to do the same to themselves.

“Helmets on. No taking them off unless absolutely necessary,” Luke advised. “The comlinks in the helmets are adjusted so that we can communicate with each other. If you find Poe, contact me immediately and return to the ship. We’ll leave this place as quickly as we can. Our only mission is to rescue the commander. Ignore everything else. Is that clear?”

“Yessir,” Finn answered. He had no wish to stay any longer than necessary. He just wanted to get Poe out of this place as soon as possible and get the hell out of here. He had already had his fair share of living aboard First Order ships, and he didn’t want to spend any more time on any of them than was absolutely necessary.

“Alright. Let’s move it. The sooner we’re out of here the better,” Luke said and motioned BB-8 to follow him.

Finn and Rey started their journey in the opposite direction. Neither Ren’s quarters nor the holding cells were far from the hangar, so ideally, they would finish their mission long before the TIEs returned. 

Finn thanked their luck that the corridors were devoid of any First Order personnel. The stormtrooper armor was like a second skin to him and he could easily recall how you were supposed to walk when wearing one, but it was painfully obvious that Rey had never done anything of the sort. After bumping to a wall the third time, she was ready to throw her helmet away even if it meant fighting her way through the enemies if they encountered any. 

“How can you see anything with this bucket on your head?” she asked, frustrated.

“You get used to it. Besides, you’re a Jedi. Can’t you just, I dunno, use the Force to sense whether there are any obstacles on your way?”

“I guess, but I’m pretty sure my concentration is needed somewhere else. Look, there are troopers coming towards us.”

“Shit. Just try to walk as I do and don’t say a word if they try to talk to us,” Finn said. He hoped that the soldiers would ignore them and continue to whatever destination they were heading towards. Their disguises were good, but they weren’t foolproof. If they started talking to them. they would eventually notice that Rey had no idea what she was supposed to say. 

When the troopers reached them, Finn was doing his best not to hold his breath. He needed to look like he belonged there. He felt a sudden feeling of warmth in his chest when he realized that it was no longer the case. He didn’t belong here. He had a new life. A good one at that, and it would get even better when they got Poe away from this place. But for now, he needed to act like he was a stormtrooper again. 

One of the soldiers gave them a long look, but his companion urged them to move on. They were clearly in a hurry. Finn thanked his stars. A confrontation with someone when they hadn’t even found Poe yet could have been disastrous for their mission.

Finn and Rey let out a collective relieved sigh. They picked up their pace, so they could avoid any additional encounters with the enemy. It was clear that their disguises wouldn’t fool anyone who decided to look at them more carefully. 

They reached the door that led to Ren’s quarters. Finn looked both ways to check that there was no one in the corridor while Rey pulled out her lightsaber. 

“We don’t have time to override the locking system. I’ll just bust the mechanism,” Rey said and lit up her weapon. “Ready?”

“If Ren’s in there, be prepared for a fight, but if it’s just Poe, turn the lightsaber off immediately, okay? He’s traumatized enough as he is,” Finn answered. 

“Got it,” Rey said and thrust her saber through the lock. Finn wrenched the door open and they both rushed in. The room was completely deserted. 

“There are other rooms. Don’t let your guard down yet,” Finn whispered, although if anyone was nearby, they would have undoubtedly heard them already busting through the door. They checked the adjoined rooms, but they were just as empty as the first one. 

“He’s not here,” Rey reported to Luke through the comms. 

“Kriff!” Finn cursed and spaced around in the room. There were clothes on the floor. Too small for Ren that’s for sure. “But he’s been here. Maybe he’s been moved to the cells.”

“I’m afraid that’s not the case. I’ve just finished checking the last cell. He’s not here, and what I’ve understood from the other prisoners, he’s never been here,” Finn heard Luke’s voice tell them. 

“Where else could he be?” Rey asked, exasperated. 

“Something bad has happened on this ship,” Luke told them quietly. “I can feel a disturbance in the Force. I fear that by following it to its source, we may find our missing commander. Sense the Force around you, Rey. You should feel it too.” 

Finn could hear Rey take a deep breath while she concentrated on feeling the Force around her. It didn’t take her long to find what she was looking for.

“I feel it. It’s nearby.”

“Really? Thank the stars. Let’s go!” Finn exclaimed. Relief washed over him.

“I hope it’s not Poe,” Rey said solemnly, but started walking towards the door anyway.

“What? But our entire mission is about finding him. How could you wish it’s not Poe?” Finn asked, puzzled. A sense of dread was starting to replace the relief he had felt mere seconds ago. 

“It’s like Luke said. Something bad has happened, and I really mean bad. The Force shouldn’t be used in such a way.” 

“You’re right, Rey. We can only hope that the damage can be undone,” Luke sighed. “I’ll return to the ship and wait for you.”

Finn didn’t dare to imagine what could be awaiting them when they finally found Poe, so he decided to concentrate on just getting him to safety. They would have time to worry later.

They sneaked back into the corridor and Rey lead them to the direction they had come from. However, just before the hangars Rey gestured that they should make a turn to the left. They peeked around the corner to ensure that they wouldn’t run into something unexpected, which provided them with a view of two stormtroopers walking away from them. They watched the retreating backs of the duo, when they saw someone else enter the corridor in a distance and start walking towards them.

Finn’s heart nearly stopped. 

It was Poe.

Had he escaped? Why else would he be walking around the ship? Well, he would walk right into the hands of the troopers in a few seconds that was for sure. Finn could feel Rey tense next to him, ready to rush into Poe’s aid, but the troopers passed Poe without a second glance. Finn and Rey exchanged looks.

“Well, that was weird,” Rey whispered, summarizing Finn’s feelings. 

“You don’t say. But, it makes things easier for us,” Finn said and started walking towards Poe whose gaze was glued to the floor. He didn’t look like he was in the middle of an escape. However, soon he would be. Finn would make sure of that. He had been thinking what he would say to his friend when they finally found him. He had been thinking just using the phrase he had said to him when they first met. ‘I need a pilot’ had a certain charm to it. And then, after Poe had realized what he had said, he would hug him, and Finn would whisk him away from this godawful place. 

Finn stopped right in front of Poe, who was forced to a stop but still didn’t lift his eyes from the floor. Poe tried to step around him, but Finn moved so that he blocked his way, which made Poe finally look at him. He had huge bags under his eyes and he looked so defeated Finn just wanted to desperately hug him, but he figured Poe wouldn’t welcome such attention from a stormtrooper. He started to lift his helmet off and the surprise on Poe’s face when he realized who he was made Finn’s stomach twist pleasantly.

“I need a pi–,” Finn started to say but his voice trailed off when he witnessed the surprise on Poe’s face turning into a state of panic in a matter of seconds.

“You need to get out of here,” Poe rushed to say before turning on his heels and running away from them as fast as he could.


	41. Chapter 41

Why was Finn here? Didn’t he understand that Poe couldn’t return to the Resistance due to his connection with Kylo Ren. It would have been difficult even before Ren had strengthened the connection, but now there was no hope of him ever returning to the rebels. 

Poe had run to the end of the hallway and was just about to turn to the next corridor when he was suddenly tackled against the wall by a smaller stormtrooper that had accompanied Finn. Poe’s words had stunned Finn and it had taken him a few seconds before he started running after Poe, but the other one had been on his heels immediately and had reached him in seconds. Finn had started jogging towards them and the worried look on his face made Poe’s insides twist painfully. He didn’t want to be the cause of that look, but he had no choice. He would need to get away from them before Ren saw them through his eyes, but the person who had tackled him previously was still clutching Poe’s arm tightly preventing him from escaping. 

“Let go of him, Rey. He’s a friend, remember,” Finn said when he reached them. Poe froze. It was Rey. A Force user. He wanted to panic, but then he realized that there was nothing that could be taken from him anymore. Sure, she could try, but she couldn’t possibly make it any worse. An eerie sense of calm filled him at the realization.

“He’ll just run away again, if I let him,” Rey answered and tightened her hold. Poe winced. Her grip was strong. Finn looked around as if looking for something, and apparently he found it.

“Let’s just go in here,” Finn said and pulled them both quickly into an empty room. 

Once they were inside, Rey finally let go of Poe, but she moved to stand in front of the door to block his exit in case he still tried to escape.

“We found him. It may take a while before we can get to the ship, though,” Poe could hear her reporting to someone. 

Poe started pacing around the room like a caged animal. 

“You can’t be here! Why did you come?” Poe said anxiously. Realizing that the man under the stormtrooper armor had been Finn had been like seeing light at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel, but that had been quickly diminished when Poe realized what a danger he was to Finn. If Ren decided to take a look into his mind right now, he would see that FN-2187 had returned and would hunt him down without a second thought. Poe couldn’t let that happen. He closed his eyes and covered them with his hands. At least Ren wouldn’t see them if Poe couldn’t do that either. It wouldn’t prevent him from knowing that Finn and Rey were here, since it was downright impossible for Poe to not think about them at this situation, but it was something.

“I thought it was obvious. We’re here to rescue you,” Finn said and moved closer to Poe. He laid a hand on his shoulders and tried to make Poe face him. 

“Well you can’t. I thought you knew about the connection between Kylo Ren and myself. That’s what led him to our base in the first place. Or, I guess, your base now. I can never return as I am now.” Poe’s throat felt tight and he pressed his palms harder against his eyes. 

“We have a solution,” Finn said and tried to move Poe’s hands from his eyes. “Luke will help.”

“There’s no way to know if he even can!” Poe refused to move his hands and jerked away from Finn, walking until he found a wall and leaned against it. 

“We won’t know that unless we–” 

“We won’t try,” Poe said. “Ren did something to me.” His voice broke in the middle of the sentence. 

“Poe…” The sound of Finn’s footsteps moved closer, but he didn’t reach out to touch Poe again.

“He sees everything I see, hears everything I hear. He shares my consciousness whenever he feels like it. I can’t hide from him. He’ll find me where-ever I go. So, no. I can’t go with you no matter what kind of a master plan you have. Besides, you’re in a terrible danger the longer you stay. _I’m_ a danger to you. It’s only a matter of time before Ren finds out you’re here.”

“Poe, we truly have a plan that can help you. Just trust us,” Finn pleaded. Poe bit his lip. He didn’t dare to hope; disappointment would crush him. There was nothing they could possibly do. 

“My only solace in this place has been knowing that the Resistance is safe. That you’re safe, Finn. Please, don’t take that away from me too,” Poe pleaded.

Poe could hear Finn move a step closer and the hand was on his shoulder again. 

“You will not endanger us. There are planets that disturb Force connections. If we go on one, Ren can’t find you,” Finn said and squeezed Poe’s shoulder encouragingly.

“Actually,” Rey started. She had removed her helmet judging by the voice “it may not work in this case.” 

“What?” Finn’s voice was incredulous and his grip tightened on Poe’s shoulder. Poe was glad that he had refused the urge to hope, but Rey’s words still felt like a knife in the gut. Finn had lit something inside him before he could snuff it out. 

“The connection between Poe and Kylo Ren is different. It’s so… twisted and all-encompassing it seems like nothing would be able to block it. I’m not sure… I’ve never felt anything even remotely like this. We need to ask Luke, but it’s possible that while the planet is able to block Ren from finding Poe like he did last time, he’d still be able to see his mind,” Rey explained. “I’m sorry.”

Poe could feel the hand on his shoulder tremble. He laid his own hand on it, but he still didn’t open his eyes. 

“It’s okay. You tried. I’m glad I got to see you, but you really need to leave now. Don’t worry; I’ll be alright,” Poe tried to sound reassuring, but he wasn’t sure if he had succeeded. He just wanted them to go before Ren could get them too. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if something happened to Finn because of him. Poe was happy that he had been able to see him and talk to him, but at the same time, returning to his miserable existence would be so much more difficult.

“No,” Finn said and the hand on Poe’s shoulder was suddenly gone. Poe could hear a ripping sound, like fabric was being torn. His curiosity demanded him to open his eyes, but he resisted the temptation. Suddenly he could feel Finn move away the hand that was still covering his face and tie a piece of cloth over his eyes. “It doesn’t matter if he knows what you know, if you don’t know where we’re going. We’ll just kidnap you and don’t tell you anything that would compromise our position or the Resistance.”

“Good thinking, Finn!” Rey exclaimed. “Now, let’s get out of here before we’re discovered.”

“But…” Poe tried to say, but Finn was already yanking him towards the door. 

“No buts. You’re getting out of this place,” Finn said and guided him to the corridor.

“It’s still too dangerous!” Poe refused to walk any further. “I can’t risk that Ren gets his hands on all of you. It’s better if I stay. The rebellion doesn’t need one man.”

“But I do,” Finn stated so matter-of-factly that Poe found himself at a loss for words. “The longer you refuse to come with us, the longer we are in danger. I’m not leaving without you.”

“But you…”

“The risk is worth it. You’d get your life back.”

“You don’t know that.” 

“Unless we try, we’ll never know.” Finn grasped both of Poe’s shoulders. “Please, come with me.”

Poe bit his lip. He wanted to go. He hadn’t even dared to dream about escaping before, but now the opportunity was presented to him. But he was a huge risk to all of his friends, and he didn’t want them to suffer because of him. Going with them could cost all their lives. 

But still.

He felt that pull to go with Finn. He had been his knight in the shining stormtrooper armor once and here he was again, dragging him from darkness that Ren had pulled him into.

“Right,” Poe said and took a deep breath. “Lead the way.” He offered his hand to Finn who clasped it immediately.

“You won’t regret this, I promise,” Finn said, and Poe could hear the smile in his voice even if he couldn’t see his expression.

By the time they reached the hangar they were nearly running, but Poe trusted that he wouldn’t fall even though he couldn’t see anything through the fabric covering his eyes. Finn would guide him. His hand in Poe’s felt warm and certain; something Poe himself hadn’t felt in a long time.


	42. Chapter 42

They had nearly reached the ship. Finn could see Rey waiting for them on the ramp and gesturing at them to hurry up. The engines were already running.

“The TIEs are returning,” she told him through the comlink. That meant they had given up on chasing the X-Wings. 

Finn wondered if the pilots were okay. They weren’t supposed to take risks and the plan had been to stay as far away from the enemy as possible and only turn everyone’s attention towards them to give the rescuers time to explore the ship. But even then, there were no guarantees that they would be safe. 

They reached the ship, and Finn told Poe to mind the ramp, but Poe stopped on his tracks completely. 

“It’s okay. I’ll help you. The ramp is right in front of you,” Finn tried to urge him, but he wouldn’t budge. Finn understood that walking without seeing what was in front of you must have been unnerving, but that hadn’t been a problem until now, so why had he stopped?

“He knows you’re here.” Poe’s words made Finn’s blood run cold. Ren must have popped in for a visit. They needed to hurry.

“What are you waiting for? Get in!” Rey yelled at them from the top of the ramp.

“Let’s go, Poe. We’ve got no time to waste,” Finn said and tried to get Poe to move again, but he wrenched free from his grip. 

“No. I’ll distract him. You guys need to go,” Poe said.

“We already talked about this. You’re coming with us!”

“I can’t come with you if he can just track me down immediately. We’d never reach that magical planet of yours. There’s no other option. At least this way you’ll be able to keep your lives.”

“That’s not how it works,” Luke said. He had appeared next to Rey, probably to see what was taking them so long. “Ren can’t just pinpoint your exact location in the galaxy straight away, especially if we use the hyperdrive. Finding someone takes time, which he won’t have. We’ll be safe.” The first TIEs entered the hangar at that exact moment. “Or not if we stay here any longer.”

“You heard the man. Now, get in the ship,” Finn said and clasped Poe’s hand again. Poe looked like he was about to argue some more, but Finn dragged him inside the ship before he could say another word. 

“Finally! Now, let’s get out here,” Rey said and lifted the ramp back up. Everyone took their helmets off immediately after hearing the door clang shut. “I’ll fly the ship while Luke handles the guns. You guys just sit down somewhere. We’ll be alright. Ren doesn’t know what kind of a ship he’s looking for.”

“He does,” Poe said, and everyone turned to look at him. “It’s a Griffin-class light shuttle. I’m temporarily blind, not deaf.”

“He’s good,” Rey said, nodding approvingly. “At least since the ship’s common enough we won’t stick out like a sore thumb.” She rushed to her position and soon Finn could feel them lifting off. 

Poe had let go of Finn’s hand at some point and was now feeling his way to the nearest wall. He found it and sat down on the floor, his back against the steel.

“There’s an actual seat to your right, you know,” Finn said.

“You should have left me behind.” 

Finn sighed. He was getting tired of this argument. 

“I don’t care how many times I have to say this, but there’s no way we could have left without you.”

Poe didn’t say anything. Finn was dying to know what had happened ever since he had been captured, but he figured that Poe was probably not ready to talk just yet. 

Finn noticed that Poe had wrapped his arms around himself and was slightly shivering. Their shuttle was not particularly warm, and the shirt Poe had on was too thin to keep away the cold. Finn himself was feeling slightly chilled, even though he was still wearing the armor. Admittedly, it was not covering him wholly, since Finn had had to tear a piece of his shirt to make the blindfold for Poe. The hem was now a lot shorter and his midriff was showing. He wondered what Phasma would say about such a look. Finn rummaged through his backpack and pulled out the jacket Poe had gifted him. He asked Poe to lean away from the wall just enough, so he could drape the jacket on his shoulders. Poe clearly recognized the jacket by touch alone.

“I can’t take this. It belongs to you now,” Poe said and was about to take it off again.

“I know. I’m just borrowing it to you until we find you a new one,” Finn said and took Poe’s hand to prevent him from removing the jacket. 

Finn would have liked to keep holding Poe’s hand, to assure him that everything would turn out alright, but just then the cockpit door opened and BB-8 rolled out, beeping excitedly.

“BB! Buddy!” Poe exclaimed, turning his head towards the sound. The droid rolled quickly to them and Finn thought it best to get out of the way before the droid ran him over. 

“Finn! Get in here, would you?” Rey shouted from the cockpit.

Finn spared one last glance towards the happy reunion scene that Poe and BB-8 presented before making his way towards the cockpit. He tried to convince himself that he wasn’t jealous of the droid who Poe had greeted so lovingly, but he couldn’t help it. He was.

Finn walked into the cockpit, but before he could ask what was wrong, the whole ship lurched sideways as Rey accelerated and steered to get away from the returning TIE fighters. Finn was slammed against the wall and he saw stars for a second before he found his feet again.

“Buckle up! The hangar doors are closing, we need to get out of here now. Contact the squadron and tell them we need help,” Rey instructed him while she dodged another fighter. “Our chances of getting out of here quietly are gone.”

“I don’t believe they’ll shoot us as long as the commander is onboard, but they’ll try to secure us otherwise,” Luke added while shooting the TIE right in front of them. It exploded immediately and disappeared into a ball of flames. “Luckily for us, we can shoot as much as we want.”

Rey managed to get them out of the hangar just before the doors closed, but now they were surrounded by enemy fighters. Rey dodged and swerved away from them as best as she could but there was no way they could outrun them. Finn hoped that Poe was alright in the passenger area since he had been sitting on the floor instead of an actual seat. Finn had no time to go check the situation. He needed to contact Snap through the communications system and ask them for support. Finn held his breath while waiting for an answer from the squadron. Had they escaped unharmed?

Finn let out a sigh of relief when Snap answered. Everyone was okay and they were standing by, waiting to hear from them. Finn briefed them from their situation and that they needed another distraction so they would have enough time to calculate their jump to hyperspace. 

“We’ll see what we can do,” Snap said.

“We’d appreciate it,” Finn answered, but before he could even shut the connection, he already saw the X-Wings approaching rapidly. The appearance of the fighters threw the enemy of its game and they were forced to react to the new threat. Their formation broke, and Rey could gain distance from the TIEs who needed to concentrate on the X-Wings that had suddenly reappeared.

“The calculations are complete. We’re ready to jump,” Rey told them.

“Thanks for help, Snap. We’re all set,” Finn commed the squadron leader. 

“Anytime. Tell Poe we said hi,” Snap answered.

“I will,” Finn said before closing the connection again. 

“Everyone ready? Hold on to your seats. It’s time to leave these bastards,” Rey said. She pulled the lever, and in the next second, the blue tunnel of hyperspace surrounded them, taking them away.


	43. Chapter 43

Poe was pleasantly surprised that he was still in one piece. The ride had been a bit bumpy. 

He had had no idea what was happening outside, but he assumed that they hadn’t been able to escape unnoticed and they had had to do some pretty extreme evasive maneuvers. However, Poe was certain that although Ren must have informed the TIEs that the shuttle must be stopped, he must have added that the people inside shouldn’t be harmed. Otherwise, their hull would have been full of holes by now. 

Poe had to admit that Rey was a pretty good pilot judging by the maneuvers. He had nearly broken his neck during a loop that had pretty much defied the laws of physics. Luckily, BB-8 had been with him and the droid had attached itself securely to the ship with his wires, while Poe clung to his mechanical friend for dear life. 

Things had become steadier after they had made the jump to hyperspace, and Poe returned to his spot next to the wall. He still hadn’t removed his blindfold, although there was probably nothing in the passenger compartment that Ren could use to track them down. But still, Poe didn’t want to act as his eyes, if he could only help it. Ren would probably spend less time in his head as well if there was nothing new to see. 

Ren’s presence in his brain had been a constant ever since the hangar, and Poe guessed that he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. Poe didn’t know what the other man was thinking or what he was feeling, but the fact that he hadn’t left his head for a second since their escape, told him more than a thousand words. 

Ren was coming after him. Poe didn’t want to go to sleep that night. Having Ren whisper to him in his dreams would eventually drive him insane. 

Poe just hoped that Luke was right, and Ren wouldn’t be able to get their exact coordinates the second they jumped out of hyperspace and it would take time for him to sense where they were. 

And then there was of course the miraculous planet they were heading towards, but Poe didn’t understand how it worked. Rey had said that it would prevent Ren from finding Poe, but he would still be able to see inside his head. How could that possibly be the case? Both of them required using the Force. If Ren wouldn’t be able to find him, why would he still be capable of using the connection in other ways? 

Poe was probably thinking too much. Ren would see all of it, but he couldn’t help it. It was impossible not to think how his life had changed yet again. Finn had promised he would get his old life back, but Poe wasn’t too hopeful. If Luke couldn’t help with the connection what would happen to him? He would have to stay on the planet for the rest of his life, if he wanted Ren not to find him. And he would have to remain blind, of course. If he or Ren figured out where he was, it would be a game over for him. Furthermore, if being blind wasn’t bad enough, he would also need to become a total hermit. Encountering other people (or whatever species inhabited the planet) would eventually give away his location. Poe wasn’t dumb. He would be able to deduce where he was whether he wanted or not, if he spent enough time with the inhabitants. Or if he couldn’t, then Ren surely would. 

So, his future was to become a blind hermit in the wilderness. Now, that seemed promising.

Poe leaned back and let his head fall against the wall with a thunk. He just wanted this all to be over. He hoped that Luke would announce his verdict sooner rather than later so that he wouldn’t have to live in this uncertainty. Even if Luke told him that his situation was unrepairable, he would rather have that knowledge immediately than try to keep suppressing the little sense of hope that insistently tried to form inside of him. 

The ship jumped out of hyperspace and Poe nearly knocked himself out by banging his head against the nearby seat. Perhaps he should have sat on it after all instead of insisting on sulking on the floor. BB-8 beeped worriedly at him, but Poe just gave the droid a small pat on the dome to assure him that he was alright. 

“My head’s been through worse than that,” Poe said.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Poe startled. He hadn’t heard the cockpit door open, but apparently Luke had joined him in the passenger area. 

“Don’t be,” Poe said. He didn’t want to be alone with Luke. He hadn’t recovered his trust in Force users during his captivity in the hands of one. Where was Finn? In the cockpit, of course, helping Rey fly the ship, his rationale told him, but he still wished Finn was there with him. 

Well, at least he had BB-8. The droid seemed to notice his discomfort and moved so that he was situated between Poe and the Jedi master. Not like it would prevent Luke from doing anything if he so decided, but Poe appreciated the gesture. 

“I sense that you’re still awfully wary of Force users,” Luke said, and judging by the sound, sat down somewhere on the other side of the droid. 

Ice flooded through Poe’s veins. What did he mean by “sensing”? Was Luke in his head as well, reading his mind like Ren was? Why else would he say “still”? Poe had done his best to avoid Luke when he and Rey came to the base, so they hadn’t exchanged a single word. He couldn’t possibly know that Poe didn’t care for Force users.

“You would be as well if there were people who could just ‘sense’ whatever you’re feeling and go through your head like a book, without you being able to do anything about it,” Poe said and tried to put every bit of courage he had left into the sentence. Running his mouth was what he did best in situations like these.

“Ahh. A poor choice of words on my part. I’m sorry,” Luke said, sighing a little. “What I meant was that I saw you practically flinch when you heard my voice just a minute ago. And I know that you aren’t exactly fond of Force users, since Finn told us so when we were preparing for the rescue mission.” Luke kept a short break, as if trying to decide what to say next. “Rey told me what Kylo Ren did to you while you were held captive. I’m sorry. Your mistrust is completely understandable.”

Poe still didn’t feel quite comfortable around the Jedi, but the explanation seemed plausible. 

“Then you understand that I’m not in a particularly chatty mood right now,” Poe said, crossing his arms. He hated how defensive that must have made him seem, but he couldn’t help it. He was feeling defensive.

“I should have believed Finn and waited to talk to you until he could join us,” Luke said sadly.

“Yeah, you really should’ve.” Poe could hear Finn’s voice from the direction of the cockpit. That door really didn’t make a sound. “Rey’s about to start landing soon. We can talk more after we’ve settled.”

Poe was more than happy to follow that plan. He wasn’t exactly in the mood for talking just now. He didn’t know if he ever would be, but at least Finn would be with him when the time came. Of course, Finn would be just as powerless as him, if the Jedi master used the Force on them, but his presence calmed Poe down, nevertheless. 

BB-8 inched closer to him and the droid was nearly in his lap by now. However, now that the droid was closer, Poe could smell a foreign scent on him. 

“You smell weird, buddy. What have you been up to?” Poe asked. 

“Oh yeah, that. We kind of repainted him so that he could better blend in with the First Order droids. He insisted on coming to this rescue mission and refused to stay back on the ship, while the rest of us played stormtroopers,” Finn explained, with a smile in his voice. Poe could imagine it. 

“Is that right? I bet you look badass,” Poe said and pet the droid, who beeped happily at the praise. 

“You could probably take the blindfold off for a while to have a look at him. There is nothing here that Ren could use against us,” Finn said. 

“I don’t want him to see anything. We don’t know what he’s capable off,” Poe said. Ren’s presence in his head hadn’t budged. 

“He’s right. Ren’s not stupid. Even the smallest clue could tell him where we are,” Luke said. “We need to be very careful what we talk about in Poe’s presence. We can’t describe our surroundings, talk about any interesting things that we see unless they’re life threatening. We need to review everything before saying it out loud. So, if we’re sometimes a little slow to respond, I hope you understand why that is, Poe.”

“I understand,” Poe said. “He’s in my head right now.” 

“Really? In that case,” Finn moved to crouch next to Poe and put his arm around him. Poe swallowed and tried to prevent a shiver running up his spine. Finn moved closer. “You’ll never get Poe back, you hear me?” Poe felt Finn’s lips brush his ear when he said the words, and this time he couldn’t suppress the shiver.


	44. Chapter 44

Kylo wanted to kill something. Preferably that traitor. He had the nerve to taunt him through the connection that he and Poe shared although it was meant only for them.

Kylo turned on his lightsaber and thrust it into a similar ship that had carried Poe away. When he had learned that the traitor had his hands on Poe, he had abandoned everything he had been working on and rushed to the hangars. 

He had been too late. They were gone even if Poe had tried to stop and refuse going with them when he felt Kylo enter his mind. There was nothing Poe could have done. Skywalker had distracted him, and the traitor had used the chance to drag him into the ship. 

Kylo drew his lightsaber from the ship, leaving a sizzling hole in its wake. He slashed at the wing of the ship, and the end of it fell to the ground. Kylo wished it had been the traitor’s head.

That despicable creature. Kylo would make sure that he killed FN-2187 with his own hands when he found out where they were hiding. He would find Skywalker and that girl, Rey, with them so his prize would be fourfold when he finally captured them. 

But having Poe back would be the greatest reward of all. Being able to see into Poe’s mind relieved his ache a little but being separated from the man he loved caused him nearly physical pain. 

However, there was also a downside to their connection. Kylo could see that Poe didn’t seem to miss him much. The reason why he had refused the help of his friends stemmed mainly from his urge to help them escape unharmed. Kylo was seething. He would do anything for Poe, but he always just threw it back in his face. 

Kylo hacked off another piece of the wing in his rage. The resulting clang was loud and brought Kylo back to his senses. He took a deep breath to steady himself. Poe just hadn’t had time to adjust to his new life with him, that’s all. 

He would forward all his resources into getting Poe back. No one in the Order should have anything against the plan. They needed the Skywalker and he would be found with Poe. 

However, Skywalker was right. Kylo couldn’t track Poe down without concentrating on him for a long period of time. Besides, it would require Poe staying in on place for Kylo to be able to pinpoint his location with any accuracy. Even if Kylo tried finding him while he was on the move, by the time he could theoretically find him, he would already be on the planet that prevented Kylo from sensing his location.

The existence of shield planets hadn’t come as a surprise for Kylo. He had been Luke’s student after all, but he hadn’t paid any mind to them in ages. He hadn’t taken into account that Poe would be able to escape to one of these planets. Of course, he could have never pulled such a stunt alone, since Kylo would have been able to see where he was going, thus erasing the benefits of the planet. However, since Poe’s friends had blindfolded him and didn’t tell him which planet they were headed towards, the connection was useless.

Then again, calling them Poe’s “friends” was bit of an overstatement. Poe was in good terms with FN-2187, for sure, but he seemed to almost resent and fear the girl and the Skywalker. This was all fine with Kylo. Sooner or later, they would start arguing and they might slip information that would lead him to Poe. 

However, Kylo had no plans to just sit around and wait for that to happen.

“Prepare my ship,” he said to the nearest stormtrooper, who scurried away after the quickest “Yessir” Kylo had ever heard. Caused by the still crackling lightsaber, he guessed. He turned it off.

He strode towards his library, adamant in finding all the planets that Skywalker may have considered for their hiding place. He knew he had a book somewhere that listed all the planets that the Jedi of old had used, and there was always the possibility that Luke would choose one of those. The Skywalker was a sentimental old fool, after all. Kylo knew that the list of planets that would be able to shield them was longer than he cared to count, but if he had to, he would go through all of them if it meant finding Poe. 

And when he did, he would never let him get away from him again. Kylo had allowed Poe too much freedom and left too many loose ends. Admittedly, Poe hadn’t run away himself, but the end result was still the same. Kylo had lost Poe. 

In more ways than one.

Poe refused to accept him, and after getting a taste of freedom again, it would be even harder for Kylo to find a way to make Poe love him like he used to. There was nothing in the world Kylo wanted more, but this was the one thing he didn’t seem to get.

The thought made him angry. He offered his all to Poe and would shield him from the inevitable fall of the Resistance, but he still refused him and longed after his pitiable group of rebels. Poe didn’t understand that everything Kylo had done he had done for him, even if it didn’t always seem like it. 

But he would make him see. 

He would destroy the rebels. Every single one of them. Poe’s desire to return to the Resistance would be permanently extinguished, if there was nowhere for him to go. No one to miss him. 

He would start with the ones who had taken Poe.

The Skywalker.

The girl.

The traitor. 

He would execute them all. He would have their heads cut off, while he himself held Poe close and made him witness the end of his old life. He would pull him against him and caress his neck to remind him that it was still intact. That he was alive while they were not.

The thought caused a shiver of excitement run down Kylo’s spine. He was the only one that would be left in Poe’s life. He wouldn’t trust anyone else to get close to him anymore and he would no longer allow Poe to walk around freely. Who knew when the next stormtrooper decided to play the hero in the traitor’s footsteps and whisk the pilot away again? 

No. Poe would be his and his alone. His flightless, beautiful bird in a cage.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Poe had no idea what the planet was like. 

Sure, he could use his other senses to feel that the temperature was comfortably warm and hear the rustling of leaves in the wind, but that didn’t tell him much. Which was for the best, really, but Poe still felt uncomfortable not knowing what his surroundings looked like. He hadn’t realized how much he relied on his vision. But then again, he was a pilot so that shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

Or at least he used to be.

He hadn’t flown anything in ages, and at this rate, it would be a while before he was allowed in a cockpit of any sort. The thought was depressing, but he could do nothing to improve the situation, so he just decided to ignore it for now and do something else to occupy his mind. 

Although, he wasn’t quite sure what he could do with his limited vision, but maybe he would figure something out.

Their group had made camp outside the ship. They had decided that it would probably be warmer to sleep outside than inside the metal ship, which would heat up by day but undoubtedly be freezing cold by night. They didn’t know how long they would have to stay on the planet, so they didn’t want to burn any extra fuel by keeping the heating on. 

Luckily, Finn and the others had packed a tent and enough supplies to last them a while. It was obvious that they had expected that they wouldn’t be returning to the Resistance anytime soon. 

Poe felt his insides twist. They should have just left him on the Finalizer to rot or at least leave him on this planet to fend for himself. It made no sense that three important figures of the Resistance were stuck babysitting him. Their skills would be much more useful elsewhere. Two Jedi and a First Order expert stuck on a planet – who knew where – helping a useless blind pilot, who couldn’t even help setting up the camp. This was a farce and they all knew it. 

He sat down on the ground heavily while the others were busy gathering firewood and scouting their surroundings. Previously, Poe would have been glad to tackle either of those tasks, but now they were impossible for him to even try.

In the midst of his self-pity, he suddenly felt a bump against his knee. BB-8 let out a string of beeps, enquiring why Poe seemed so down. 

“Don’t worry about it, buddy. I’m just bored. There isn’t much I can do here,” Poe explained and gave the droid a small pat. Poe didn’t need him to worry about him as well. And it wasn’t completely a lie. He was bored.

The droid was silent for a moment, but then he suggested excitedly that Poe should clean him and get the terrible First Order colors off of him. 

“I can clean you, but you need to ask someone else to repaint you. Unless you want a really exotic paint job,” Poe answered although he would have loved to do the painting himself. It didn’t feel right having someone else taking care of his droid for him.

“Actually, the old coat is still under the new one. We chose a paint that is not very durable for his disguise, so that it could be easily cleaned,” Finn said. Apparently, he had been nearby and heard the conversation. Or at least Poe’s half of it. Poe wasn’t sure if Finn had yet mastered binary.

“Oh, okay. In that case I guess I can try, but I’m not promising that I’ll get every spot,” Poe said to the droid.

“We could do it together? I’ll deal with the spots you miss,” Finn suggested.

“Yeah, sure, why not? Do we have the supplies?”

“They’re inside the ship. I’ll go get them,” Finn said and jogged away from them.

Once Poe was sure Finn was out of earshot, he turned towards BB-8.

“What did we do to deserve a friend like Finn?”

The droid beeped happily at him.

“I know _you’re_ adorable, but what about me?”

“Don’t worry, you’re adorable as well,” Finn said, nearly causing Poe to have a heart attack.

“Kriff! How did you get back here so fast?” Poe said, holding his chest theatrically.

“The ship’s right there. I just popped in to get the solvent and other stuff,” Finn laughed. Poe tried to give him an assuring laugh as well, but he probably failed, an ill feeling rising in his stomach. He had completely misjudged where he was. Or where anything was. He wouldn’t even be able to move around the camp alone if his sense of direction failed him this badly.

Finn seemed to understand right away that something was bothering him. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’ll take some time before you get used to all this.” 

That’s what Ren had said as well. He hadn’t.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just that… I’m basically useless and a huge burden to you,” Poe said, surprised that he had voiced his thoughts aloud.

“Needing help cleaning your droid doesn’t make you a burden, Poe,” Finn said and settled on the other side of the BB-unit. Finn handed him gloves and a damp cloth that smelled of diluted paint remover. Poe put on the gloves and started working on his side of the droid.

“It’s not just about cleaning BB-8. Two Jedi shouldn’t be stuck on a planet babysitting a pilot who may not be of any use to anyone ever again. They’re needed elsewhere, Finn. You know that,” Poe said.

“Okay, first of all, they’re not. Rey’s training is still in progress. They can’t exactly go do all that important Jedi stuff before Rey knows how to be one. Luke said they’d continue her training here while he also teaches you how to block your connection with Ren.”

“Oh,” Poe said, surprised. “I hadn’t realized that. I assumed you just knew how to do that stuff if you’re Force sensitive.”

“She’s actually figured out a lot of stuff on her own but apparently she still has a long way to go. And secondly,” Finn reached over and grabbed his hand “you’re important even if you never did another useful thing in your life. You mean a lot to many people by solely existing.”

“I…” Poe didn’t know how to continue from there. Finn’s hand felt warm even through the gloves.

“You missed a spot,” Finn said and moved Poe’s hand a little before moving away again. “Your squad said ‘hi’, by the way. They helped in the rescue operation.”

“Is everyone alright? Judging from the bumpy ride it was quite a fight,” Poe asked.

“Absolutely no problems. Everyone escaped unscathed as far as I know,” Finn answered.

“That’s good to hear,” Poe said, relieved.

He was just about to start cleaning a new spot when he remembered the day the First Order had attacked their base. How the TIE Fighter had fired at Jess, who had fallen down from a bile of rubble.

“What happened to Jess the day I was taken?” Poe asked frantically, clutching the rag in his hand. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of asking about her sooner.

“She survived. Got covered in cuts and bruises but otherwise she’s okay.”

“Thank the stars,” Poe said and relaxed his grip on the rag. 

“Everyone’s missed you like crazy. They’ll be thrilled to see you again.”

“If they ever will,” Poe said, licking his lips nervously. “Finn, there are no guarantees that Luke can break the connection. He didn’t know it would be this bad when he promised to help.”

“He used to be Ren’s teacher. He’ll know how to undo everything he has done.”

“I don’t think he’ll be familiar with this one. This type of connection can’t be a Jedi trick. It’s too plain evil.”

“Actually, it is, I’m afraid,” Luke said, and Poe nearly jumped into the air. 

“Could everyone just announce their presence somehow when they’re nearby before someone gives me a heart attack?” Poe said, trying to keep the worst annoyance out of his voice. 

“It’s not just you. I didn’t notice him either,” Finn said.

“My apologies. I’ll try to make more noise from now on. Old habits die hard. I became too good at being stealthy on Ahch-To, when I had to sneak around to get food,” Luke explained.

“Wait. You said the connection is a Jedi trick. How is that possible? I thought the Jedi were supposed to be the good guys here,” Finn asked.

“There are a lot of things the Jedi have done and not everything has been inherently good. The intentions have usually been sincere, and they thought they were doing the right thing, but sometimes these things backfire. The connection here, for example, was used between lovers so they could better stay in touch during long missions when they were separated. The council would, of course, never approve of such a thing, since they did not even approve the Jedi to engage in romantic relationships but obviously people would fall in love anyway. Therefore, while such a connection is not officially ‘a Jedi trick’, it most definitely was practiced by the Jedi.” Luke kept a short break to let Poe and Finn digest the information before he continued. “However, I believe that for the connection to work properly, both of the parties need to consent to it. I take it that Poe was not a willing participant in the forming of the bond, am I correct?”

“Yes,” Poe forced the word out of his mouth. He didn’t want to recall the event. 

Luke walked closer and sat down on the grass next to them. 

“It’s unheard of to form the bond with someone who didn’t want to do it,” Luke said softly. “It was a monstrous thing to do. The bond was frowned upon by the Jedi even when both participants wanted it since it violates your privacy no matter how close you are with someone. But to do it to someone unwilling…”

“Yeah, good talk. Thanks for the lecture. Gotta go now,” Poe rose from the ground hastily. He didn’t want to hear how Luke might end that sentence. He knew that what Ren had done to him was something unforgivable, and he didn’t need other people to spell it out for him as well. “Show me to our tent, BB.”

“Woah! He isn’t done yet, Poe. There’s still some old paint on him,” Finn said trying to stop him. 

“We’ll take a break. We can continue later. Come on now, BB.”

The droid let out a mournful little beep and Poe felt incredibly selfish. He should have finished cleaning him, but he just couldn’t deal with all this right now. BB-8 rolled before him and let him know which direction to walk to.

Once they reached the tent, Poe knelt before his little friend.

“I’ll make this up for you, BB, I promise. I just… I just need some time to think,” Poe said.

The droid answered by bumping against his knee lightly and making his way inside the tent with the intention to keep him company. Poe couldn’t help a small smile rising on his lips.

“Thanks, buddy.”


	46. Chapter 46

“You handled that kinda badly, Luke,” Finn said and let his rag drop to the ground. 

“My human skills are rusty,” Luke said and sighed deeply. “Yours would be too if you lived on an island with nothing but animals for company.”

“I’ve lived nearly my whole life with people who don’t remove their helmets except for eating and sleeping and who are punished if they are caught socializing too much. Mine are not in the best condition either but I still have more tact than that.”

“I know I messed up. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to.”

“I doubt he’ll want to listen to me no matter what I try to say after upsetting him like that,” Luke said and ran a hand through his hair. “It might be for the best if you talked to him first and tried to calm him down.”

Finn bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that he needed to talk to Poe and try to convince him that he could trust Luke, but at the same time he was dreading the conversation. Poe might think that he was siding with the two Jedi and conspiring against him, which would cost him the trust Poe still had in him.

“Let’s give him some privacy for now. I’ll talk to him later,” Finn said.

Finn spent the rest of the day in the nearby forest collecting enough firewood to last them a month. He would keep picking up the sticks until his arms were full and he had to return to the camp. Every time he returned to the forest, he would think that the next haul would be the last and he would go talk to Poe after it. But every time, once he reached the camp, he would lose his nerve and return to the forest. While he was wandering among the trees, he was trying to decide what he should say to Poe, but his thoughts kept running around in circles. 

He didn’t know what Poe needed him to say. He was no trauma counsellor.

But he was his friend so there had to be something he could do. 

Finn tried to plan how he should phrase what he wanted to say so he wouldn’t freak Poe out, but there was no way to predict how he would react to what Finn had to say. Eventually, he decided he would just wing it. 

Poe was still in the tent and Rey and Luke were talking by the fire when Finn got back to the camp. The sun had nearly set, and the sky looked startlingly orange. Poe would have loved it and Finn was sad he couldn’t see it. 

Or that he couldn’t see anything around them. The planet was stunningly beautiful. They had landed their ship on a small meadow near a forest where countless flowers were in bloom. Finn knew Poe would have appreciated them, but he had traveled to innumerous planets, so the risk was always there that the flowers would tell him where they were. 

“Poe?” Finn called softly once he reached the tent. He didn’t want to surprise him. 

“Yeah?” Poe sounded like his usual self which was a relief.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Poe answered, and Finn entered. “It’s not like it’s exclusively my tent.”

“You have a right to privacy, you know,” Finn said but the second the words were out of his mouth he realized that perhaps he shouldn’t have said them. 

“Tell that to Ren,” Poe muttered resignedly, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Good job, Finn. The conversation was off to a great start. 

“Maybe I will. Is he… you know…?”

“In my head right now? Surprisingly no. Hasn’t been for a while now. I think he might be asleep.”

“That’s good, isn’t it? Gives you a little break from all this,” Finn said and tried to sound encouraging. 

“I should be sleeping as well.”

“Oh. Of course. I didn’t realize you were tired. I didn’t mean to keep you up.” They could always talk later although Finn was bummed that they couldn’t have the conversation right away after it took him so long to muster up the courage.

“I can’t sleep. I tried. I’m not tired enough.”

“Alright? You don’t have to sleep if you’re not tired?” Finn couldn’t follow Poe’s logic. Why should he sleep if he wasn’t tired? It wasn’t particularly late on the planet either. 

“But I should. I guess I didn’t mention it earlier, but when I’m asleep the connection works more like it should.” Poe kept a small break and Finn sat down opposite of him. “Whenever I’m asleep, Ren can send me his thoughts if he’s in my head. They don’t make much sense, it’s all a mess, but it’s not exactly a pleasant experience.” Finn suspected that it must have been an understatement of the year, but he didn’t want to interrupt. “If he’s sleeping himself, he can’t do that. So, I would usually try to sleep when he does, but now I just don’t seem to be able to fall asleep. Too much has happened, and it’s keeping me awake.”

“Right,” Finn said and tried to process all the new information. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No, I don’t think so. I doubt I’d be able to stay awake until the next time he falls asleep either. It’s just gonna happen and that’s it.” 

“He can’t hurt you or anything like that through the dreams, right?” 

“No. They’re just unpleasant. Sometimes when I wake up, I feel disoriented and it might be hard to differentiate between dreams and reality for a while, but otherwise they are mostly harmless. Or as harmless as Ren talking to you ever is.”

“No one should be subjected to such torture.” Bad joke. Bad joke. Abort. Abort. 

Finn was just about to apologize when Poe started laughing. He threw his head back and nearly howled with laughter. Finn was flabbergasted. The joke had been anything but good and he couldn’t see what Poe found so funny about it.

“Sorry, sorry,” Poe said once he could speak again. “That was the funniest thing I’ve heard in ages. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. My tolerance must be really low.” Finn tried to pretend that that wasn’t the saddest thing _he_ had heard in ages.

Finn knew it was time to address the elephant in the room. Or tent, whatever. But he still didn’t know how he should bring it up. Perhaps winging it hadn’t been the best plan after all. 

“Listen, Poe, I-”

“I’m sorry I ran away again. It seems that it’s become my signature move whenever there are important matters to discuss,” Poe said suddenly, with a self-deprecating smile on his lips. Finn was pleasantly surprised that he had chosen to take the initiative. “I just…” he trailed off, once again playing with the hem of his shirt.

“It’s okay. Luke should’ve known not to bring up the issue the way he did.”

“I know he’s probably the only person in the galaxy who can help me right now, but…” Poe bit his lip and clutched his shirt tighter. “I’m scared of him, Finn. Him and Rey both. I don’t know if I can do this.”

Hearing Poe Dameron admit that he was scared sounded foreign to Finn’s ears even if he knew that fear must have been his constant companion ever since he had been captured by the Order the first time. 

“I’ll be there with you. I would never let him hurt you. I promise,” Finn said and put his hand on Poe’s arm, trying to make him relax.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You wouldn’t be able to stop him,” Poe said bitterly.

“Poe, he won’t try anything. You have to trust that. Besides,” Finn wasn’t sure if continuing his sentence would be a mistake, but he had to try to persuade Poe to trust Luke “what more could you possibly lose by giving him a chance.”

“There’s always something to lose,” Poe answered without a moment’s hesitation. “I’ve learned that the hard way. Every time when I thought I had already lost everything, Ren always found something else to take from me. Do you know how I managed to survive the interrogation on the Finalizer before Ren showed up?” Poe said becoming more agitated the more he talked. Finn shook his head but then remembered that Poe couldn’t see him and whispered a soft “no”, dreading what was to come. “I used to retreat into my own mind. Even when I had no control over what was done to my body, no one could touch my mind. It was the only thing that was left that I could truly call mine. And then Ren took it from me. And then he took it again when he captured me the second time, but this time, he hasn’t given it back. Every time, I thought it couldn’t get any worse but somehow it did. Besides, Luke is Ren’s teacher. If Ren could fuck up my life this royally then who knows what his former master could do.”

Finn was at a loss for words. What could he possibly say to change Poe’s mind? He had been through too much to trust Luke even if Finn vouched for him. 

“You have to take the risk. Things won’t get better otherwise.”

“But they won’t get worse either.”

“They will. You’d have to live the rest of your life in fear of Ren finding you and capturing you again. And if he does, it’s all downhill from there.”

Poe looked like he was ready to run away again but, instead, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before taking Finn’s hand in his own.

“I know you’re right. I know that Luke is my only hope. And I know that trusting him is the only logical thing to do. But I can’t. Whenever I even think about him getting near me, I get this urge to flee as far away from him as possible. I… I never pictured myself as a coward but that’s apparently what I am. You’re all on a fool’s errand here. I’m a lost cause.”

“No. No you’re not.” Finn squeezed Poe’s hand tighter. “You’ll get over your fear and I’ll be there to help you. I don’t know how exactly, but you can trust me to help you every step of the way.”

Poe stayed silent for a moment, his face turned towards their joined hands he couldn’t see. Finn held his breath, hoping that he had finally gotten through to him, but soon Poe extracted his hand from his grip.

“I’m sorry, Finn.”


	47. Chapter 47

Poe hated letting Finn down. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face Luke and let him… he didn’t exactly know what Luke was planning to do with him. They hadn’t talked about it. 

Because Poe had run away.

And he decided that he would keep on running at least for tonight. 

The sun had set, and it was decided that Finn would have the first watch. The two Jedi climbed into the tent and decided to call it a night, but Poe had no plans to stay alone with the two of them. He grabbed his sleeping bag and headed outside so he could have some peace of mind when he slept. Finn didn’t say anything, but Poe could feel the disappointment radiate from him as strongly as the heat of the campfire next to him. 

Gods, he hated letting Finn down. 

The night was chilly, so Poe placed his sleeping bag relatively close to the fire next to Finn.

“You’ll wake me up when your watch is over, right?” Poe asked before he could rein in his tongue. How was it possible to sound even more pathetic than before? 

“Yeah, sure,” Finn sighed. 

It would take him some time to fall asleep, Poe was sure, but at least he could keep Finn company for a while. It was the least he could do to make up for his cowardice.

“So, how’s the Resistance been holding up while I’ve been away?” Poe asked to spark the conversation.

“I… I don’t know if I can tell you anything about what’s been going on,” Finn said, and Poe realized how ridiculous his question had been. They were lucky that at least one of them paid attention to these things.

“Of course not. Forget I even asked.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was stupid of me.”

“I would tell you everything if I could, Poe.”

“I know.”

Silence fell over them once again and Poe couldn’t think of what else to talk about. It was difficult to come up with conversation topics that wouldn’t endanger everything he held dear. He turned on his side inside the sleeping bag and listened to the crackling of the fire. 

“Is he still asleep?” Finn suddenly asked.

“I think so, yeah. I’m sure he would’ve bothered me by now if he wasn’t.”

“You should try to sleep then. Get as much sleep as you can before he shows up in your dreams.”

“I guess you’re right,” Poe said. He was suddenly feeling a lot sleepier than he had been only moments ago. The warmth of the fire and Finn’s presence had diluted the last of the adrenaline he still had left from their escape and his confrontation with Luke. “I’m not looking forward to it though.”

“I’ll wake you up if it starts to look like it’s getting too bad.”

“Thanks buddy,” Poe said, burrowing deeper into his sleeping bag. 

Poe was a bit disappointed that Finn couldn’t tell him anything about the Resistance. He was curious about the new base and he would have loved to know what it looked like now. He missed D’Qar, though. They had stayed on the planet for so long it had started to feel like home. He could recall every nook and cranny easily, like he had never left the base. He remembered the buzz of early mornings when everyone was crammed into the cafeteria for breakfast and the lazy evenings when the day’s work was done and everyone’s core mission was to relax. Sometimes they would gather in the cafeteria and someone would climb onto the little stage they had built and play or sing something for the others. Poe had used to do it sometimes. It felt like a lifetime ago. 

Poe wandered the halls of the base. Familiar faces smiled at him and he greeted them when he walked past. His feet were automatically taking him to the hangars. 

The sight of Black One made his fingers itch. He couldn’t wait to fly again. It had been so long. 

He was walking towards his fighter when he heard someone calling out for him. 

Jess. She was standing on the runway outside the hangars and gesturing at Poe to come to her. Poe broke into a run. Jess was waiting for him with open arms under the starlit sky, and when he reached her, she wrapped her arms tightly around him. Poe hugged her back. He had missed her so much. 

When they finally separated, Poe realized that the rest of his squadron was there as well. He hugged each of them in turn, and nearly cried from the relief of seeing them again. He was surrounded by his friends when they suddenly moved aside to reveal the General standing nearby. She smiled at Poe and lifted her arms invitingly.

Poe was about to go to her when the stars suddenly dimmed and the sky turned pitch-black. Fear engulfed him, but he didn’t care. He needed to reach Leia.

“I don’t think so.” The voice surrounded him. It gathered him in its arms and refused to let him move forward. 

“Let me go,” Poe growled. He needed to get to her.

“No.”

“You know why, Poe.”

“You don’t belong with them anymore.”

The voice tightened its hold on him, and Poe looked down at himself to see two big familiar hands on his chest and stomach, seizing him firmly. He looked back up and saw that Leia was reaching towards him, her arm extended, and Poe lifted his own, straining to close the distance, but to no avail. The look on her face was mournful and, slowly, she lowered her hand, knowing that Poe would never reach her. 

“See?”

“She knows you can never return.”

“Soon there’s nothing to return to.”

Ren’s hands tightened their hold with every word he spoke. Poe couldn’t breathe. 

“You’ve blinded yourself to deceive me.”

“Do you enjoy the darkness?”

Ren’s hand travelled upwards, first to Poe’s neck, tilting his head backwards, but slowly moving higher to cover his eyes. The last thing Poe saw between Ren’s fingers was the General mouthing his name. The darkness that followed was deeper than any blindfold could deliver.

Poe heard a scream. 

“Leia!” Poe yelled and struggled to break free, but his efforts were in vain. Ren had him securely in his clutches. 

The screaming was joined by the others, one by one. Poe recognized each and every one of them. 

“Stop! What are you doing?” Poe cried desperately. 

“They’re weak.”

“You don’t need them.”

“You have me.”

“No!” Poe gasped. The darkness was nearly suffocating him. He needed to see what was happening.

“I’ll make sure I destroy everyone you consider a friend.”

“They’re not worthy of you.”

“They just make you weak.”

“And you’re so”

“very”

“very”

“weak.”

The screaming only intensified, and Poe tried to cover his ears to prevent himself from hearing his friends being tormented.

“Please stop,” Poe sobbed. The tears were running down his cheeks even though Ren’s hand was still shrouding his vision.

“You want this to end?”

The screaming stopped abruptly, as if it had been cut by a knife. The silence that followed was deafening. 

It was worse than the screaming.

“What did you do to them?” Poe asked frantically. His head was swimming.

“They are no longer with us.”

“I did what you asked.”

“No,” Poe’s voice wavered. “I didn’t want any of this.”

Tears and sweat were running down his face, but he barely noticed it. 

“Poe!” A voice called to him from a distance. It was far away, but Poe recognized it at once. And Ren would too.

“No! Finn! Get away!” Everyone else was gone. Finn couldn’t join them.

“The traitor is coming to rescue you once more it seems.” 

“Not this time.”

The screaming started again, and Poe felt his blood run cold once he realized that the voice was unmistakably Finn’s. Ren had caught him. The screams filled his head. Poe clawed at the hand covering his eyes, but it wouldn’t budge. Finn was right in front of him. He needed to see. It was too dark. He couldn’t bear the darkness any longer.

“Let him go!” Poe shrieked. 

“Poe!” Finn’s voice was coming from afar again. But how? He was right there, in front of Poe, being tormented by Ren. 

“Finn?” Poe asked, confused. “Let me see, you bastard!” Poe resumed his struggles and did his best to remove the hand from his eyes, but Ren pinned his hands to his body to prevent them from moving.

“Poe, it’s me,” Finn’s voice was getting closer, but the screaming hadn’t subsided. What was going on? “Stop struggling, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Get away from me!” Poe yelled. Was this some weird scheme of Ren’s? Using Finn’s voice to make him stop resisting. The screaming faded. 

“Poe, you need to calm down. You’re safe,” Finn said, his voice right by his ear now. It sounded so real Poe wanted to believe him, but he knew that Ren was cunning and it might all be a trick to mess with his head. But he wanted it to be real so badly.

He couldn’t find the strength to fight anymore. 

“It’s just a dream,” Finn whispered to his ear soothingly. “Ren’s not here. You’re safe with me. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” 

Poe was gasping for air, but he was slowly starting to realize what had happened. He had fallen asleep and Ren had invaded his dream making it a proper nightmare. Finn was sitting behind him, pinning Poe’s hands to his sides and covering his eyes with one hand. Poe couldn’t feel the blindfold, so he guessed he had tried to take it off and Finn had had to take measures to prevent him from seeing where they were. Poe started to go limp in Finn’s grip. They were both drenched in sweat.

“You can’t keep living like this, Poe,” Finn said, burying his face into Poe’s hair.


	48. Chapter 48

Last night was definitely going to Finn's top ten worst experiences of his life.

His right hand was wrapped up in bandages and every muscle in his body felt stiff as a board after trying to keep Poe still during his nightmare. Or after. It had been clear that it had been difficult for Poe to distinguish what was real and what was not, and Finn was sure keeping him blind hadn’t helped matters. Although Finn’s body was aching all over, his hand had taken most of the damage. Poe had desperately clawed at it, trying to see what was going on around him, but Finn had persisted and kept the hand over his eyes despite the pain.

Finn flexed the hand and felt the shallow wounds under the bandages. He had never felt more like a bad guy. Of course, his intentions had been good, and it had been absolutely necessary to prevent Poe from seeing their surroundings, but Finn couldn’t help but feel like he had somehow betrayed his friend. Finn shuddered. It had been terrifying to see Poe so scared and disoriented. He had been close to panicking and had begged Finn to let him go but Finn had been forced to keep him in the dark and restrained. The commotion had woken Rey and Luke as well, but thankfully, they had had enough sense to stay quiet, so they didn’t freak Poe out more.

Finn stared at his hand and sighed. They were at an impasse. Poe needed the Force to get better, but as more time passed, he gained more and more bad experiences with it, which would make it even harder for him to trust Luke. Finn felt powerless. There was not much he could do apart from trying to support Poe to the best of his abilities. 

Finn thanked his stars that Luke didn’t seem like he was in a hurry or that he would give up on Poe if he didn’t start trusting him soon. As longs as they could continue Rey’s training, it didn’t seem to matter to him where they were. 

A yawn escaped Finn. None of them had slept much for the rest of the night. Finn had been able to catch a few hours before Luke had announced that he and Rey would head to the forest to work on Rey’s lightsaber tactics. They were gone before sunrise leaving two deeply sleep-deprived non-Jedi in their wake. To no one’s surprise, Poe hadn’t slept a wink after his dream. 

Finn had spent the morning sitting outside and cleaning a basketful of berries that Rey had found yesterday. He couldn’t understand how she had managed to gather so much so quickly but he assumed that it must have been because of her scavenger background. Picking the leaves and other non-berry things out of the hoard was tedious but at least it gave him something to do, even if the repetitive work nearly sent him to slumber and his fingers had turned purple from the juices. 

He was nearly finished with the task when Poe emerged from the tent with BB-8 guiding him towards the place Finn had chosen for his cleaning operation. Although Finn couldn’t see it, he could guess that the blindfold hid some massive eyebags under it.

“How are you feeling?” Finn asked once Poe had settled down next to him.

“Shitty,” Poe mumbled, and Finn grimaced. What else had he expected?

“Want some berries? There’s a huge basket of them.” Perhaps sweet treats would cheer him up.

“Sure. Why not?” Poe said. Finn had been ready to feed the berries directly to him, but Poe offered him his hand instead and so Finn placed the berries remorsefully on his palm. His own brushed Poe’s hand in the process and Poe twitched, surprised. “Wait. What was that? Give me your hand,” Poe demanded and caught a hold of Finn’s wrist before he could retreat too far. He threw the berries in his mouth to free his other hand and took Finn’s bandaged hand in his. “You… you’re hurt.”

“Nah, it’s nothing. Just a few scratches, that’s all,” Finn tried to brush it off. He didn’t need Poe to worry about his hand as well.

“Scratches… that I made. And deep enough to require a bandage. Finn, I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t realize it was me.” Poe also hadn’t realized that Finn had cleaned the blood off his nails after the whole ordeal. He had been a bit spaced out.

“It doesn’t change the fact that I’m the cause of this,” Poe said and brushed the gauze lightly with his thumb. “Listen, Finn… Last night. I had a lot of time to think and… I realized that it’s not just me who’s in danger if I stay like this. What if something like the last night happens again and I’m so out of it that I’ll remove the blindfold before you can stop me? Or I do something worse.” Finn wanted to assure Poe that something like that would never happen, but Poe continued before Finn could open his mouth. “You’re right, Finn. I can’t… I can’t keep living like this.” Finn held his breath. He squeezed Poe’s hand in what he hoped was an encouraging manner. Poe took a deep breath. “I’ll ask Luke to help me.”

“And I’ll be there for you for whenever you may need me,” Finn said before pulling Poe into a hug. He was proud that Poe had finally decided to take the first step. Poe responded by clutching the back of Finn’s shirt tightly and burying his face into Finn’s shoulder.

“I’m so scared it makes me physically sick just to think about it, but I can’t risk anything happening to you. Or anyone else. Ren has made it perfectly clear that he won’t be taking prisoners.” Poe’s voice trembled, but Finn sensed a hint of determination in there as well. There had been no trace of that since they arrived on the planet. 

Finn wasn’t exactly pleased that Poe had decided to trust Luke only because he felt he was a danger to others, but it was a start. What was important right now was that Poe would get better even if it resulted from his self-sacrificing nature. Finn wasn’t a fan of it though. He hoped that, eventually, Poe would realize that he was worth saving as well. 

“It’s okay to be scared. I’ll stay with you, if you want to, when you speak to Luke,” Finn said and patted Poe on the back. 

“Yeah, I think I do. Thanks, Finn,” Poe said and moved back, ending their embrace. Finn felt cold suddenly, despite the warm morning. Poe seemed to shiver slightly as well. “And thank you for stopping me last night. I was so confused I would have done anything to be able to see.”

“I’m sorry I had to be a bit rough,” Finn said and scratched the back of his head. The memory was still fresh in his mind and he didn’t like it.

“Hey, I’m not the one with the bandaged hand. It’s me who should be apologizing.”

“Don’t dream of it.”

“But that would be a million times better than my current dreams!” 

Hearing Poe joke warmed Finn’s heart even if the subject must have still been a bit of a sore spot for him. 

“I promise that soon there’ll be happy dreams only. The only things you’ll dream will be about puppies and rainbows and pink fluffy clouds.”

“Oh,” Poe said intrigued. “Which one of those includes you then? Because I’m pretty sure that you’ll be featured in my happy dreams quite often.” A mischievous grin spread across his face.

Finn blushed. Suddenly, he was grateful for the blindfold.


	49. Chapter 49

Poe had thought that once he asked Luke to help him with his little mind parasite problem, he would suddenly find the courage required for Force lessons, since starting was notoriously the hardest part of any journey. 

Disappointingly, that hadn’t happened. 

He was still scared, and he would have sold his soul to the devil if it meant he would be able to avoid the sessions.

Obviously, he couldn’t do that.

No demon would accept his pathetic excuse for a soul even if he offered.

There was no turning back. He would let Luke do whatever he wanted with his head if it meant that his connection with Ren would cease to exist as a result. 

They had agreed that the first lesson would take place at sundown, which left Poe a nervous wreck for the whole afternoon, but he was also grateful that he had time to psych himself up before the main event. Finn had promised to keep him company which soothed his nerves a little, but he was still fidgety, and it was getting increasingly difficult to sit still. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Finn tried to assure him for the twelfth time that day.

“Tell that to my sympathetic nervous system,” Poe said and lifted his hand to show Finn how much it was shaking. 

“Is there anything at all I can do to help?”

“Just keep me distracted.”

“Distracted. Right.” Poe could almost hear Finn thinking. “Oh. We never finished cleaning BB-8. There’s still some paint left on him.”

Poe could hear the droid’s enthusiastic reply. BB-8 was convinced that the temporary paint job didn’t suit him at all, and he would like to return to his beautiful old self as soon as possible. Poe felt a pang of guilt. He had completely forgotten that the droid still sported First Order colors, because Poe had called the whole thing off in his haste to get away from the Skywalker. But in his defense, he hadn’t had any visual reminders.

“Yeah, let’s do that. You’ll be good as new, BB,” Poe said. BB-8 reminded him that there was nothing wrong with his current self, thank you very much, but he’d welcome his old colors back.

Finn gathered the supplies and they sat down on the grass with BB-8 between them. The droid seemed pleased to receive so much attention. 

Poe sat there with the rag in his hand.

“I have no idea which part I should be working on,” he said and scratched his head. This would be more difficult than he had thought. Earlier, it had been easier since the whole droid had been covered in paint, and he would make progress no matter which part he focused on, but now, the paintwork would undoubtedly be patchier, and he had no idea which areas had been finished. 

Finn moved to sit right next to him. He took hold of Poe’s hand and placed it on the droid’s body. 

“You could start here,” he said, after which he moved Poe’s hand downwards “and work towards the ground.” After the demonstration, Finn guided his hand slowly back to the starting spot. Poe’s heart was hammering, but he was relatively certain that this time it had nothing to do with his anxiety towards the upcoming lessons. The ongoing sensory deprivation had made his hands more sensitive than usual and he seemed to be able to feel Finn’s hands in more detail than he thought he was capable of. The tips of his fingers felt a bit rough, but his grip was firm and gentle. The information seemed to stick somewhere in his chest without bothering to go the rest of the way to his brain.

The hand was suddenly gone, and it took Poe a second to realize that he should probably start working, before Finn started wondering why he was spacing out. 

They worked on the droid for the rest of the day. The paint came off easily for the most part, but it had also gotten to places that were not so easy to clean. After a while Poe learned to detect where there was still paint left by touch alone, but he contemplated the idea of playing dumb and asking Finn to help him find a correct place again. He ditched the idea soon, though. Tricking Finn to hold his hand was a new level of desperate he wasn’t willing to explore. 

Then again, Finn was so nice he would probably hold his hand if Poe only asked.

Poe hadn’t thought that this would be how Finn would manage to distract him from thinking about the upcoming lesson, but it had worked, nevertheless. Judging from the amount of light that still managed to penetrate his blindfold, the sun must have sunk nearly below the horizon. 

He dropped the rag to the ground and swallowed. There wasn’t a speck of the temporary paint left on BB-8. The nervousness rushed back in like it had never left. It was time. 

“Are you ready?” Finn asked and stood up. 

Every cell in Poe’s body screamed at him to run away, but he didn’t give in to the urge. He was done running. 

“Show me the way.”

Finn helped Poe up and placed a hand between his shoulder blades to guide him to Luke. Poe’s hands were still shaking slightly but it was nothing compared to earlier. He would do this.

Luke was waiting for them on a small hill next to their camp. Poe wondered what he had planned for the occasion. The last time he had tried to talk to him about the bond, Poe had bolted nearly immediately, probably leaving him with the impression that he should treat Poe like glass. Or, optionally, a ticking time bomb.

“Please, sit down,” Luke said once they had reached the top of the hill. “I hope you don’t mind that Rey is here. It is important for her to learn these things as well.”

“Doesn’t make a difference to me,” Poe shrugged and sat down opposite the Jedi master. If he was being truly honest, he did mind, but Finn’s comforting presence next to him quickly diminished the feeling of being outnumbered.

“The last time we talked about this, things didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up the issue the way I did,” Luke said.

“What’s done is done. Earlier I wasn’t ready to face all of this yet, but now, I’m prepared to hear whatever you have to say. You don’t have to treat me like I might break.” Poe was surprised how convincing he could sound even if he didn’t really feel it. Fake it ‘til you make it then.

“It’s good to hear you’re confident, but these are difficult matters. We’ll take things slow,” Luke said. Poe wanted to object, since he wanted all of this to be over as soon as possible, but he guessed the older man new better. “Instead of me dumping all the information on you, how about you ask me the questions instead? What do you want to know?”

Poe hadn’t expected that they would just sit and talk so it took him a second to arrange his thoughts. He didn’t want to know anything else than how to break the connection, but he guessed that it would have to wait. However, suddenly he remembered the thing that had bothered him since arriving on the planet.

“Why can’t Ren use the Force to find me if he can still use it to see into my head? If the planet blocks him from finding me, then shouldn’t it prevent the mind reading as well?” 

“The planet does not block everything Force-related. The way he finds you is different from how he connects his mind directly to yours,” Luke said, but he realized that his audience couldn’t quite grasp what he was talking about. “Think of it as the difference between heat signatures and radio waves. The planet hides your thermal image but does nothing to inhibit the radio waves. So to speak. The practice is actually a lot more complicated, but that’s the principle of it.”

“I see,” Poe nodded. “Question number two: how do you make the radio waves go away. I’m really not enjoying what they’re broadcasting.”

“I don’t know.”

“What?!” the three listeners yelled in unison. 

“What I mean is that I don’t know the specifics. It all depends on how you formed the connection,” Luke hurried to explain.

“Then… How can you break it if you don’t know what the connection is like?” Poe asked.

“Well, first of all, it’s not me who’ll end your connection. It’ll have to be you. I’ll help you see it and be with you at all times, but in the end, it’s up to you to sever your bond to Ren.”

“But I don’t know how!” Poe was no Jedi. How was he supposed to sever anything?

“You’ll learn. You’ll have to,” Luke said sternly, before speaking more gently again. “Remember you’re not alone. We’ll all help you when you need us.” 

Poe could feel Finn’s hand move to the small of his back. The reassurance was welcome. 

“Right.” Poe took a deep breath. “Shall we do it then?”

“It will take more than one session, there’s no doubt about it. Are you sure you’re ready? We’re in no hurry here.”

“I’m ready. The sooner he’s out of my head the better.”

“I can see the appeal,” Luke said and moved to sit directly in front of Poe so that their knees were practically touching. “Alright then. Give me your hands. Physical contact will make this easier, since you’re not so well acquainted with the Force.” Poe offered him his hands and Luke took them gently to his own even if one of them was made of metal. “If you want to stop at any time, all you need to do, is to take your hands away from mine. We’re going to take a look at the connection the two of you share and it will feel like you’re actually there instead of on this hill, but I promise that you’ll also be able to feel your physical body and end this session whenever you want.”

Poe swallowed and nodded. He hoped that he wasn’t squeezing the old man’s fingers too tight.

“Let’s begin,” Luke announced calmly.

It didn’t take long for Poe to feel Luke’s presence at the edges of his mind, but unlike Ren, the Jedi master didn’t force his way in immediately.

“Will you let me in?” The voice hadn’t come from the figure sitting in front of him. Poe still wasn’t used to hearing voices in his head. 

“Be my guest,” Poe thought. He figured he wouldn’t have to use his voice either. The thought of letting yet another person into his head made him feel nauseous, but he soldiered through it. 

“Don’t worry. The only thing I’m interested in is the connection. Now, be prepared, we’ll go see it now.”

Poe felt how he was pulled deeper into his own head. The sensation was peculiar to say the least. 

It was dark. 

Darker than Poe had ever seen, and he had been wearing a blindfold for days.

He recognized the darkness. 

It was the same impenetrable blackness that had swallowed him when Ren had created the connection and drowned him in the sea he had made. 

Poe could feel the pressure of water surrounding him again. There was no up or down, no direction to swim towards for air. He would drown again. 

“It’s okay, Poe. I’m here. Just stay calm,” Luke said next to him. How he could talk was lost on Poe. If Poe opened his mouth the black water would just rush into him again. “It can’t drown you. It’s already inside you.” 

Wasn’t that even worse? 

So, he had drowned already. Which made sense. Generally, you could only drown once.

The darkness pressed on him. The weight of the water would crush him, he was sure. He couldn’t breathe. He was scared. How could you break a connection that was all darkness? It would break _him_. 

His panic was rising. What was he doing here? Of course, he wouldn’t be able to break the connection. Ren was too strong, and Poe had always been powerless against him.

“Poe, calm down. You need to think,” Luke’s voice seemed to come from far away. He would abandon him after all and leave Poe alone in the endless depths. 

He had made a terrible mistake. He couldn’t do this.


	50. Chapter 50

Poe ripped his hands from Luke’s grip so forcefully he nearly fell on his back. He clambered onto his feet and staggered away without saying a word.

Finn was about to go after him, but Rey grabbed his sleeve before he could properly stand up.

“Just give him a moment. He looks like he needs to be alone for a while,” Rey said letting go of him.

Finn sat back down reluctantly and watched Poe walk down the hill stumbling a few times. He wanted to go make sure he was alright, but Rey was right. He had probably been hovering over Poe too much as it was. 

He cared about him. A lot.

In all honesty, he had wanted to make his move ages ago, but he had had no other choice but to wait. He doubted that Poe would welcome Finn’s advances, even if he _was_ interested. He still had the mess called Ren to deal with. 

It was okay. Finn could wait until the time was right and things had calmed down.

Even if they were in the middle of a war and each day could be their last and he may never have a chance to tell Poe and he had no idea when the right time would come and he would definitely regret it if he never told him and–

It was cool. 

Totally. 

Totally cool.

Poe just needed to get better first. 

Although, it was starting to seem like that wouldn’t be the case any time soon. 

“What happened?” he asked Luke.

“It was more intense than I had imagined. We found the connection, but he sank deeper into it where I couldn’t follow him,” Luke sighed. “His own fear pulled him down.”

“Then what can we do?” Rey asked. “We can’t be brave in his place.”

“There’s not much, I’m afraid. He needs to find his bravery if he doesn’t want to be succumbed by the darkness the connection is made of,” Luke said. He was quiet for a moment and just stared at his hands. When he continued, his voice had a serious edge Finn was sure he had never heard before. “It was a vile thing, born out of desperation and jealousy. I’ve never seen anything like it. The influence of the dark side was overwhelming.”

A solemn silence fell upon them. Everyone was busy thinking what that meant. The night was darkening as if demonstrating what must have been going on inside Poe’s head. Finn shivered.

“What… what will happen if he won’t be able to do it?” he asked after a while.

“I honestly don’t know. At the moment, Poe is protected by the fact that he’s not Force sensitive and can’t feel the massive pressure of dark side inside his mind, but in time…” Luke only shook his head.

Another discouraging silence descended upon them. Finn didn’t want to think about what would happen if Poe wouldn’t be able to break the connection. He wanted to believe in him, but Poe was just so afraid…

“I think he can do it,” Rey said, disrupting Finn’s thoughts. “He’s a pilot. He’s no coward.”

“We’re talking about very different types of courage here, Rey. It doesn’t necessarily translate into all situations,” Luke said.

“We’ll see,” Rey said smiling like she knew something they didn’t. 

Finn was just about to ask what made her so sure when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching from behind him. 

“Again,” Poe declared. He was out of breath after climbing the hill, but his voice was determination itself. BB-8 had accompanied him on the way up.

Rey mouthed the words “told you so” to Finn. He wanted to complain that she had seen him coming and that’s why she had known but he decided to let it go. Poe was more important right now.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should take a break?” Finn couldn’t hide the worry in his voice. What if Poe sank too deep into the darkness and couldn’t return?

“I just took a break, didn’t you notice?” Poe said and sat down in front of Luke again. 

“Finn may have a point. It is taxing to explore something so deep in one’s mind. But we’ll continue if you want to,” Luke said.

“I feel fine. Let’s do it,” Poe said impatiently.

“Before we do, I must tell you something. Your connection runs deeper than I had originally thought. It extends to the very fundamental relationship you have with Ren. When you break it, it will not only stop Ren from using the connection but also prevent him from using the Force on you at all.”

“What? You mean, like, even if we’re in the same space, he won’t be able to get into my head even if he tries?” Poe asked, astonished.

“Yes. But it doesn’t end there. He won’t be able to use the Force to hurt you physically either, nor use it in any other way to affect you.” The declaration was met with stunned looks. “Now listen carefully, especially you Rey, this is part of your training: when you meet someone, you immediately form a weak connection to them. This connection is what allows you to influence them with the Force, whether it be convincing them to do something for you or choke them to death. Furthermore, the connection grows stronger over time the closer you are to the person, and consequently, the stronger the bond, the more it hurts when the bond is abused. All of us here are connected to the others present. Even the ones who are not Force sensitive. These connections are fundamental to all living creatures, so breaking one will undoubtedly have irredeemable consequences for said relationship.”

“Honestly, our relationship can’t get any more fucked up than this, I promise,” Poe said. “Besides, it sounds like a perfect deal. I… I can’t even think of a better outcome than that he would never be able to touch me again in any way.” Poe’s voice had nearly faded into a whisper. Finn wanted to hug and comfort him, but Poe seemed to recover all on his own. “Well, I guess there’s still the traditional hands-on physical, but it’s still a significant improvement.”

“You must be absolutely certain that you want to go through with this. Your relationship with Ren will never be able to return to what it once was if you do,” Luke said seriously.

“There’s no possibility for that ever to happen even without all the Force shenanigans,” Poe answered without missing a beat.

“I understand. I just needed to make sure,” Luke nodded.

“I’m sure,” Poe said with a calm certainty.

It had become fully dark while they had been talking. All kinds of small critters had started their nightly symphony and the air was filled with their sounds. It was alluring in its own way.

An approaching trumpeting sound joined the choir. Finn looked upwards and saw a flock of large birds flying far above them. Finn had to admit they were quite majestic even if the sounds they made weren’t exactly what he would consider beautiful.

He looked back down and saw that Poe had suddenly turned white as a sheet.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. Poe had been fine just a moment ago.

“That… that call. I know it. I recognize the species,” Poe said, panic evident in his voice. “I know where we are.”

“Shit! What do we do?” Finn asked frantically. This was bad. If Poe knew then Ren would too.

“We need to get out of here before Ren pays a visit to his head. Once he knows where we are it won’t take him long to reach us,” Rey said and stood up quickly.

“Try to think about something else. He can’t see anything if you don’t show it to him,” Luke advised, getting up as well and starting towards their camp. 

“Easier said than done,” Poe grumbled. “Trying not to think about something is the surest way to think about it.”

“You gotta try,” Finn said and helped his friend up. 

They hurried back to the camp and started to gather their things. No time to fold things nicely. Finn was just turning the tent into a messy bundle when he heard Poe curse. 

“Kriff. He has the shittiest timing. He’s in my head.” 

“You need to think about something else!” Rey yelled and shook his shoulder in hopes that it would give him something else to focus on. BB-8 kept bleeping frantically at him as well. 

“It’s not exactly easy!” Poe answered.

“We need to distract him somehow! Quick!” Rey looked at Finn expectantly, hoping that he would come up with an idea.

Only one idea entered Finn’s mind. He was absolutely certain that it would work on him if he had been the target, so he hoped that it would be the case with Poe as well. He didn’t have time to evaluate if it was exactly a _good_ plan, so he just ran to them, abandoning the tent. He pushed Rey aside and grabbed Poe by the lapels of his jacket, bringing him close. He needed to do something, and this was all he could think of. He didn’t have time to think about the consequences, so he just closed the distance and let the faith handle the rest. 

He felt Poe stiffen in surprise when their lips met. At least he had managed to give him something else to think about. 

Finn hadn’t thought he would be making his move _this_ soon after thinking about it. He just hoped it wouldn’t come bite him in the ass later. He had also thought that the circumstances would be a bit different, but if this was their first kiss then he was going to enjoy it. 

It didn’t last long, though.

“Good thinking, Finn.” Luke’s voice next to him made Finn draw back from the kiss. “Sorry to spoil the moment, but we need more drastic measures right now. I’m sorry for this Poe.” Luke placed the tips of his fingers to Poe’s forehead, and before Finn could even blink, Poe was sagging forward and would have fallen on his face if Finn hadn’t been there to hold him up.

“You could have done that from the beginning,” Rey complained. 

“I hoped that we would have time and I wouldn’t have to,” Luke sighed. “I’m sure he won’t appreciate me using the Force on him like this, but it had to be done. While Finn’s distraction definitely worked, I doubt the effects would have been very long-lasting, unfortunately.”

“Perhaps we could have knocked him out the old-fashioned way. Maybe he would have liked it better,” Rey shrugged and started hauling their gear towards the ship. “Come on, BB. Your master is in good hands. Come help me get the ship ready.” The droid followed her but kept looking back, clearly worried.

Finn had his hands full of unconscious Poe. It was beginning to dawn on him that he might have just screwed up their whole friendship. And basically, it had all been for nothing. 

“Bring him to the ship, won’t you?” Luke said to Finn and grabbed the bundle Finn had abandoned earlier.

Finn stared at his retreating back for a few seconds before remembering that they really needed to hurry. They didn’t know how much Ren had managed to see and they couldn’t exactly ask Poe either.

Finn hoisted Poe on his shoulder. All those hours at the gym hadn’t been for nothing. He decided to worry about the potentially destroyed friendship later and quickly carried Poe to the ship so they could go.

“Everyone and everything on board?” Rey called from the cockpit.

“I would imagine so,” Luke answered and lifted the ramp after Finn and Poe had gotten inside.

Finn placed Poe in a seat and strapped him into it while Rey got the ship airborne. Poe’s head lulled to the side and Finn cringed at how stiff his neck would undoubtedly be when he eventually woke up. 

Finn didn’t think he would be needed in the cockpit, so he decided to sit down next to him. 

“Where are we headed?” he asked Luke, without taking his eyes off Poe. 

“There are other planets like this. We’ll just have to see which looks the safest.”

“I need coordinates, Luke,” came the call from the cockpit.

“He’ll be alright,” Luke said and squeezed Finn’s shoulder before heading to the front of the ship to join his apprentice.

Finn pushed a stray lock of hair behind Poe’s ear. He really wanted to believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50 chapters! That's...! A lot!
> 
> Let me know what you think about the recent developments and the story so far. Your comments give me life and I appreciate each and every one of them.
> 
> If words fail you, but you still want to support me, you also have the option of buying me a coffee: ko-fi.com/monnibor
> 
> Hope you're enjoying the fic!


	51. Chapter 51

Scorch marks littered the walls in Kylo’s quarters. The lightsaber had been tossed into a corner while its owner had seated himself in the middle of the floor and buried his hands in his hair.

What a way to wake up. First, he had learned that Poe had figured out where he was being kept, and the next second he had to witness the traitor kiss him. 

Kylo wanted to scream. 

He had been so close to finding Poe. He would have revealed their location eventually, Kylo was sure, but FN-2187 had distracted him and then Skywalker had knocked him out before he got his thoughts in order again. The frustration was killing him.

The only thing that Kylo had managed to piece together was that Poe had heard some kind of birds and had deduced their whereabouts that way. He had seen glimpses of Poe thinking about a large bird with a call like a trumpet, but that didn’t help him much. There must have been thousands of planets with birds like that. How Poe had recognized the exact species, he had no clue.

He didn’t have all the information Poe had. 

No, that couldn’t be true. He had followed Poe closely and it had become clear that he didn’t know anything about the planet he was on, apart from the relatively warm climate. However, that did nothing to narrow down the options. To his knowledge, most large birds preferred warmer climates.

He reached out and sent his holopad flying to his hand. He had gathered a list of planets that would have been able to shield Poe from him, but to his annoyance about 90 percent of them were warm enough to fit the description and nearly all of those were home to some kinds of large birds.

He needed to come up with something else. What else did Poe know?

The planet had berries. No help there. So did pretty much all of them.

It was peaceful. There had been no threats to speak of.

The length of the solar day was close to standard time. It allowed them to be awake during the day and sleep during the night without any problems with their circadian rhythm. However, they were not in synch with the rhythm of the First Order which meant that Kylo went to sleep when they were still awake, and he would wake up when it was still night time for them. 

Kylo knit his brow. He was onto something here.

It wasn’t particularly weird for the group to be awake so late at night. That wasn’t what was bothering him.

The birds. What stroke him as odd were the birds. He didn’t know many large birds that would fly during the night. Especially ones that would make what one would call a trumpeting sound. 

He typed the new search criteria to his holopad and held his breath, waiting for the results. 

One hit. 

Kylo scrambled onto his feet and threw his clothes on haphazardly. He didn’t bother with the helmet. It would take too much time. If they hurried, they would reach the planet before Poe’s group managed to leave. 

He ran all the way to the bridge, not caring whether people saw him or not. If it meant finding Poe, he wouldn’t give a damn if the whole world saw him without his helmet and out of breath, running through the hallways.

Once he reached the bridge, he was grateful that he couldn’t see Hux anywhere. The man would have started an argument with Kylo without a doubt and tried to prevent him from heading to the shield planet. Kylo wasn’t the only person in command of the ship, and he knew that Hux would try to persuade him to abandon his objective of getting the prisoner back. According to him, the pilot was only a waste of time and resources and that the Order had more important matters to attend to.

The last remnants of Kylo’s notoriously low patience were gone. He would have killed Hux if he had been there and tried to stop him. Nothing the First Order could come up with would be more important than this.

“Set the course for Rasenor II. I want us there now,” Ren said to the man in charge of the bridge.

“But, Sir…” the man started but Kylo cut him off by extending his hand and gripping his windpipe with the Force. 

“I said ‘now’.” The matter wasn’t up for debate. He released the man. They didn’t have time to play games.

“Of course, Sir,” the man wheezed, holding his throat. Kylo may have been a bit heavy-handed to drive the point across quickly.

Kylo felt the engines rumble as they gathered power to make the jump to hyperspace. They were close. It would only take a few minutes to reach Rasenor II.

Once they had successfully made the jump, Kylo left the bridge and returned to his quarters. He had abandoned his lightsaber in his haste, but he was sure he would need it soon. 

The possibility of seeing Poe soon was thrilling. He would have found him eventually if they had stayed in the same place, but he rejoiced knowing that they would be meeting a lot earlier. It would have taken him months to search all the planets on his list, but it was still inevitable. He and Poe belonged together. 

Kylo stood in the middle of his room and held his helmet in his hands. Perhaps the reunion would be sweeter, if he didn’t wear it and let Poe see just how much he had missed him. 

Once he had gotten rid of that blasted blindfold, of course. 

Just thinking about it made Kylo see red. How could a mere piece of cloth undo his plan of finding Poe from anywhere in the galaxy? To make it worse, it had been the traitor’s idea. One more reason why he would pay. 

Kylo dropped the helmet on the bed but grabbed his lightsaber. He would be using it soon. 

He headed towards the hangars. Once there, he ordered the crew to prepare his personal shuttle, so that he could fly to the planet as soon as they jumped out of hyperspace. 

He didn’t need to wait long. The second he knew that they had reached the planet he ordered the shuttle to take off. They had no time to waste. It was possible that Poe and the others had had enough time to make their escape since it had taken Kylo a minute to deduce their whereabouts, but he had to believe that he wasn’t too late. 

The green planet appeared before him. It was pitifully small, and yet it had managed to defy him by hiding Poe on its surface. He would annihilate it if he ever had the chance.

“There’s a ship in the vicinity, Sir,” the co-pilot announced. Kylo’s heart leapt to his throat. “It appears to be one of our own. Griffin-class.”

“It’s them,” Kylo said. They were so close it made Kylo’s fingertips itch. He could already imagine Poe’s soft skin under them.

“It seems like they are getting ready to jump to light-speed, Sir,” the co-pilot said hurriedly. “What should we do?”

No. He couldn’t let them get away now. He was so close. If they managed to make the jump, he would have to start his search from the beginning. 

“Can we tap into their frequency and hear what they’re saying?” Kylo asked. He needed to hear where they were headed, even if they failed to stop them now. 

“I’m afraid not, Sir. They aren’t using their radio.”

Kylo took a deep breath. They were running out of time. They didn’t have a choice.

“Fire. Cripple them so they won’t be able to make the jump, but try not to kill them,” Kylo ordered. It was risky but he refused to let Poe get away again. 

“Yessir.” 

The pilot steered them closer while the co-pilot opened fire. The first shots missed the ship completely, since they were still too far away, and the small shuttle could easily dodge them as they saw the shots coming. Having two Jedi on board probably helped as well. However, as Kylo’s ship gave chase, the shots began to hit their mark more frequently. Kylo’s heart was hammering. They had only managed to graze the surface of their hull, but it was only a matter of time until they could hit them where it counted. 

However, to Kylo’s horror, he started to realize that time wasn’t on their side. He could see the engines of the chased shuttle glow brighter. 

The sudden blue light nearly blinded him, and he had to shield his eyes with his hand. There was a flash, and when Kylo lowered his hand, the shuttle was gone. 

Kylo’s knees felt weak. It was hard to breathe. They had slipped through his fingers and he would have to start going through the planets one by one again. 

Poe had never felt so far away.

He gave in to the urge to scream.


	52. Chapter 52

Poe tried to blink his eyes open, but to his confusion, the world remained just as dark as it had been with his eyes closed.

The blindfold. You would think one would get used to it after wearing it for so long, but apparently that was just not going to happen. 

Especially when he had no idea where he was.

Poe wracked his brain and tried to remember what had happened, since he had no memory of going to sleep that night. He had been training with Luke to block the connection and something had interrupted their lesson, but it was hard to recall what it was. 

The birds. Poe had figured out which planet they were staying on. 

Poe sat up abruptly. The memories of the ensuing chaos rushed into his brain as if a dam had broken. 

Ren getting into his head, Rey and BB-8 yelling at him, and… 

“You’re awake!”

… how Finn had kissed him. 

Poe turned his head towards the sound. There was no mistake. It was Finn. 

A blush crept up his cheeks, and Poe knew that Finn would be able to see it as well, but it couldn’t be helped. Even though the kiss was unsurprisingly on the forefront of his mind, he decided that he would have to try to ignore it for now and find out what had happened after he had passed out. 

“Where are we?” Poe asked before realizing his mistake. Maybe he wasn’t fully awake yet. “No, don’t tell me that. Sorry, a force of habit.”

“We’re safe,” Finn answered calmly. “Ren appeared just before we were leaving the system, but we managed to get away with just a couple of scratches. It was a bit of an ordeal to make the calculations for the hyperdrive jump while trying to dodge Ren’s shots, but thankfully he didn’t happen to hit anything vital. The walls have a few holes in them and one of the shots nicked me in the calf, but that’s all the casualties we sustained, which I think is pretty well when Ren is concerned.”

“Oh shit. Is your leg alright?” 

“It’s literally just a scratch. Doesn’t even need stitches.”

Poe sighed in relief.

“Good to hear. Things could have gone a whole lot worse,” Poe said and meant it. Without Finn, Ren might have reached them a lot sooner. “Thank you for… for what you did out there.”

Poe’s cheeks felt hot just thinking about the kiss, but he tried to convince himself that it had meant nothing to Finn. He had just tried to distract Poe, so that he couldn’t reveal their location to Ren. Finn’s plan had been great. Worked like a charm. Every single thought had fled Poe’s brain the second their lips met.

“It was nothing,” Finn hurried to say. “It was just a dumb idea that popped into my head, and after that I didn’t have time to think of another plan.”

That’s right. It was confirmed. Finn had just needed to ensure that Poe wouldn’t be a threat to them and acted accordingly. It had meant nothing to him. 

Poe hated to admit it, but it had meant something to _him_.

After Ren, Poe had sworn that he would never let anyone have that kind of influence over him again, but apparently, he refused to believe his own counsel. 

He was screwed.

Or maybe not. 

Finn didn’t feel the same way about him, that much was clear, if what he said about the kiss was true. Poe could handle pining. Things would never progress between them, and his crush would fade away eventually. It had to, right? No heartbreak and betrayal of trust in the worst kind of ways, like it had been with Ren. Just good old-fashioned pining. He was too old and broken for Finn anyway. He deserved someone young and beautiful who had their shit together. 

Poe could feel his throat getting tight. Finn and Rey would make an amazing couple. They were the same age, great friends, and they trusted each other even when Poe had insisted that Finn do the exact opposite. Poe was worrying about nothing. He wouldn’t have stood a chance anyway.

Poe realized he had been biting his lip so hard it had begun to hurt.

“Well, it was a great plan. I bet Ren appreciated it as well,” Poe tried to joke but he barely recognized his own voice.

“I lied,” Finn said abruptly. 

Poe’s heart skipped a beat.

“W-what do you mean?” 

“It wasn’t nothing.”

Poe could hear his blood rushing in his ears. What was he supposed to say to that? What even was it if it hadn’t been nothing?

Poe swallowed but his throat still felt dry. He would have given anything to be able to see Finn right now. Having a conversation like this blind was like flying during the night with all your indicators busted. 

He couldn’t tell Finn that he didn’t feel anything. Lying to his face was something he just couldn’t do. 

But he couldn’t admit to him that the blasted kiss had made him feel more alive than he had in months. He wasn’t ready. He doubted that he would ever be ready. 

“I don’t know what to say.” Honesty was the best policy, he had learned. 

“You don’t have to say anything. I know it’s too soon. You have all these other things to worry about, and I never intended to do anything until we’ve dealt with this mess and you’ve had time to heal from it all. But… Now you know,” Finn said. Poe’s throat felt tight again, but this time for a different reason. “This doesn’t change anything however; my plan still stands. I’ll wait until this whole thing with Ren is sorted out. You can just forget that anything happened.”

“I doubt that I can, but… Thank you,” Poe said, relaxing slightly. “But you need to understand that no matter how long you wait, it might not work out. I’m not sure I’m emotionally salvageable at this point. You should concentrate on finding someone who can make you happy. I’m damaged goods.”

“You’re not.”

“Oh, come on. Even if we ignore the fact that I have another person in my head from time to time, I still have a stupid amount of trust issues and probably some kind of PTSD that is triggered by your best friend. I’m not exactly the most stable person in the world.”

“So?” 

“So, you probably shouldn’t wait.” 

“I’ll be the judge of that. Poe, just because you’ve experienced a lot of terrible things and are now showing signs of that, doesn’t make you unlovable and broken beyond salvation. I’ll back off if you truly don’t want me, but if you’re telling me to give up on you just because you think I deserve someone better, then I’m telling you that it’s not going to happen.”

“But…” 

“I’ll wait.”

How was he supposed to argue to that? Finn sounded so convinced that he could wait until Poe had gotten his shit together that Poe had no heart to tell him that he would undoubtedly get tired of waiting eventually. 

Poe nodded. Things would sort themselves out. He was only a fleeting crush to Finn, he was sure, and he would find someone better soon and forget about him. End of story. 

Poe had been so careful that he would never get hurt again, so why did it feel so painful to think about Finn with someone else?


	53. Chapter 53

Finn hadn’t planned to tell Poe that the kiss had been more than a means to an end to him, but he had ended up doing it anyway. After Finn had dismissed the kiss as something done purely on a whim, Poe’s posture had sagged, and Finn could have sworn he saw disappointment on his face even if the blindfold had obstructed the view. 

So, Finn had told him.

And Poe had rejected him. Sort of. 

Not that Finn had expected anything. He had told Poe that he would wait, but Poe didn’t seem to have faith that Finn had it in him to wait long enough.

Poe underestimated him. He had been part of military. He had mastered the art of waiting. 

Finn was pleasantly surprised that things remained relatively normal between them all. Luke had apologized to Poe for knocking him out earlier, but Poe didn’t seem to hold a grudge, and his trust in Luke hadn’t taken a hit like Luke had feared. Ren still caused Poe nightmares occasionally, but they hadn’t been as bad as the one he had experienced the first night on Rasenor II. Of course, Finn would have preferred if they didn’t happen at all, but it was on the works. 

Luke and Poe continued their training, but there didn’t seem to be much progress. Poe told him that he didn’t get the drowning sensation anymore, but he didn’t know how to get rid of the connection. 

“It’s just darkness in every direction. I guess I’d have to swim to the surface, but I don’t even know which way is up.”

“Can’t Luke help?” Finn had asked. You would think that a Jedi master would be able to guide him to the right direction.

“He’s just telling me to concentrate. That I’d see the light if I focus hard enough, but it’s useless. There’s nothing there.” Poe was clearly frustrated. “What if the reason I can’t do it is because I’m not Force sensitive?” 

“I’m sure Luke would know if the situation was hopeless. You have to keep trying. Maybe it’s something you’ll learn to see eventually.”

“I hope you’re right,” Poe had sighed and returned to Luke to once again dive into the depths of his own mind. 

Finn wanted to help. He really did, but he couldn’t think of a way to do it.

He was sitting on a rock, drawing pictures into the sand with a stick when Rey appeared and sat down next to him. She had decided to let her hair down for once and it was flowing in the harsh wind. The wind seemed to be their constant companion on the planet, but otherwise, the climate was quite similar to Rasenor II. It wasn’t quite as beautiful and green as the previous planet had been, but it had its charm. They had decided to make their new camp at the foot of a small mountain to protect them from some of the harsher winds, but the wind didn’t seem to care that there was a whole mountain in front of it and it would always find a way to rattle their tent during the night. 

“You just gonna mope here all day?” Rey asked.

“What’s wrong with moping? It’s not like there’s anything else to do,” Finn answered and stabbed the sand with his stick. 

“You could help me train, since Luke is busy with the flyboy.”

“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly a Jedi master.”

“You’re close enough. Come on,” Rey said and grabbed his hand to pull him up. 

Finn sighed and let himself be helped up. He wasn’t sure how he could possibly be of any help to her, but he guessed she had some kind of an idea.

He followed Rey higher up the mountain until they reached the edge of an area that resembled a giant bowl at the slope of the mountain. Finn could see from the sand and the leaves that the wind was blowing relentlessly at the bottom of the bowl. It was almost like a contained small tornado. 

“Right. This is perfect,” Rey announced and started to descend to the bottom of the bowl.

“Wait! How is this perfect? What is your plan exactly?” Finn asked. He had no desire to get down there. The wind looked merciless.

“I’m gonna work on my lightsaber tactics. I’ll stand there in the middle and you’re gonna throw rocks at me. It seems they’re quite porous so they’re light enough for the wind to carry them.”

“What? No, I’m not gonna do that. What if I hit you?”

“That’s your goal. The wind will make it easier for you actually. It’s strong enough to guide them to the center where I’ll be standing, and I’ll have no idea from which direction they’re coming from since my eyes will be closed.”

“That’s a terrible idea! Can’t I just throw them at you while you actually look at them coming your way and without the terrible vortex of death?”

“Way too easy. I brought you here because I wanted a bit of a challenge.” 

“How can you even stand there? The wind will carry you away for sure.”

“I’ll use the Force to ground me on the way there, and there should be a calm spot in the middle, so it’ll be okay. Now start collecting those rocks!”

Finn sighed defeatedly while watching Rey make her way down to the bottom. He made sure to only get the smallest pebbles he could find so he wouldn’t actually hurt Rey in case she missed. He knew that Rey was skilled with her weapon, but the thought of hurting her accidentally made him doubt the whole thing. 

“Ready when you are!” Rey yelled to Finn, while taking a stance and lighting her lightsaber with her eyes closed. 

“Can’t you at least have your eyes open at the beginning until you’ve gotten the hang of it?” Finn yelled.

“Unless you want me to go blind from all this flying sand, no. Now get on with it!”

Finn sighed, but he was sure Rey wouldn’t be able to hear it.

“Right. Here comes the first one!” Finn warned her as he tossed the first small stone into the tiny tornado. 

“You don’t have to warn me-- Ow!” Rey was holding her forehead. Finn cringed; it had been a direct hit. She rubbed at her forehead, but she didn’t seem to be hurt, and so she took her stance again. “Never mind. Again! Just keep them coming!”

Finn threw another one, this time to the side, and watched it get caught in the vortex and circling behind Rey where it hit her in the back. The next ones found their mark in her shoulders and arms, but slowly she seemed to be able to sense better where the attacks were coming from. None could hit her in the back anymore even if Finn purposefully tried to use the wind to make the pebbles fly behind her. 

It was kind of fun, actually, trying to calculate where the light stone ended up. Finn tried adding a little spin to the next one to make it a little harder for Rey, but he miscalculated, and it was heading straight towards her face. Finn cringed. He didn’t have time to warn her. 

He watched as in slow motion as the stone approached her, and he wanted to close his eyes, but then Rey lifted her hand and the stone only hit her in the wrist.

Finn sighed in relief. He had no idea how she could possibly sense that the stones were coming, but he was glad she was making progress and didn’t get hit squarely in the face.

The next one she managed to hit with her lightsaber. And the next one. And the one after it. No matter what kind of trick shots he tried to throw at her, she got every single one of them. Finn was impressed. 

They continued their game for a little while still, but they couldn’t keep going forever. It was getting dark and Finn had lost count a long time ago how many pieces of rock he had sent her way.

“Hey, I’m running low on rocks to toss at you! Maybe it’s time to call it quits!” he yelled at his friend.

“Perhaps. I guess I got the hang of it anyway,” Rey answered and started climbing out of the hole. 

“You don’t say? You got them all after that one point. What happened?” Finn asked while extending his hand to help Rey up to edge. 

“I just… realized what I was looking for properly. After you nearly hit me in the face with one, I could see them better,” Rey answered and took the offered hand. 

They started their journey down the mountain and towards their camp. Finn still didn’t understand what Rey had meant.

“But your eyes were closed. How can you see anything like that?”

“I don’t use my eyes to see them.”

“Right, you use the Force. How’s it like?”

“It’s difficult to explain,” Rey said, with a pondering look on her face. “It isn’t exactly like seeing. It’s like using a whole another sense. I mean… Try explaining a sense of smell to someone who has never experienced it. It’s impossible.”

Finn tried doing just that in his head and failed miserably. She was right. He wouldn’t understand even if she tried to explain. 

What he did understand, however, was that Poe must be facing a similar dilemma. 

After a while, they reached the camp and Finn could see Poe sitting outside their tent and chatting with BB-8. The training must be over for today.

“Any progress?” he asked while sitting down next to him. Rey had decided to go bathe in the nearby river. 

“None,” Poe answered grimly. “It’s useless. I don’t know how to do it.”

“You still can’t see the light?” Finn asked. A thought was starting to form in his head. Poe was a pilot. His life relied on his eyes. He was so used to counting on them that it wouldn’t occur to him to do things differently.

“No,” Poe said and rubbed his face, groaning frustratedly.

“Maybe… You shouldn’t look with your eyes.” 

“What? With what should I look then? With my ears?”

“With the Force. I was helping Rey train today and she said that she uses the Force to see things.”

“But I don’t know how to use it, remember. I’m not a Jedi.”

“You’re already using it to find the connection. Maybe you can use it more.”

“It’s Luke who’s using it. I’m just a passenger,” Poe argued, but Finn could see that he was thinking about it. 

“You could at least give it a try. Maybe it’s different and you can use it when you’re inside your own head. Don’t rely so much on your eyes and try to sense the light in some other way.”

“It’s worth a shot, I guess. Not like I’m making any progress the way I’m doing it now,” Poe shrugged and gave Finn a small smile. “If this works, it’ll be like, the tenth time you’ve saved my ass.”

“Well, when I woke up from that coma, you promised to do whatever I wanted for the rest of my life, so I figured I could occasionally give something back as well,” Finn laughed. “No, but honestly, it’s just an idea I got when hanging out with Rey. There’s no guarantee it’ll work.”

“We’ll find out tomorrow.”


	54. Chapter 54

The darkness surrounded him. It had become familiar by now and Poe didn’t feel like panicking every time he felt the pressure of it against his body. It still felt like Ren was touching him everywhere at once, but he had learned to live with the sensation.

Maybe that was what kept him submerged and unable to find the surface. He had accepted the feeling instead of trying to desperately reject it like he had in the beginning. 

But then again, that approach hadn’t worked either, and if he kept freaking out because of how the connection felt, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on finding a way out. 

Which was still nowhere to be seen. Poe looked in all directions and squinted his eyes in hopes of seeing the tiniest spot that wouldn’t be as impossibly dark as the rest of the ocean around him. 

Finn was right. He would never be able to find it like this. 

Finn had told him to not look with his eyes, but it was easier said than done. He was no Jedi who could sense stuff by will alone.

But then again, he was inside his own head at the moment. His will must count for something. 

He took a deep breath, filled his lungs to the brim with the inky black water to center himself and closed his eyes.

It was as if he had never closed his eyes at all. The world around him remained just as black as it always had been. Poe tried to concentrate. That was what Luke had been telling him do from the get-go. 

He took note of his other senses in hopes that they would tell him something he didn’t already know, even if it seemed useless. The only thing he could hear was the beat of his own heart in his ears, amplified by the pressure from the outside. He wasn’t particularly surprised that his senses of smell and taste didn’t provide him with any useful information either. 

Trying to concentrate on the feeling was difficult. It was overwhelming. The touch of the water on his skin felt like all those times when Ren had held and kissed him with all the passion of their new love. Poe wanted to forget all of it, not feel it. They had been so happy. It made it all the more painful to think about what Ren was truly like.

It would have been better if Ren had just played with him and didn’t have any real feelings towards him, but he did. No matter how twisted it sounded or how disturbingly he showed it, Ren truly loved Poe. 

They were enemies. How could you love an enemy? 

Ren’s touch on his skin felt sweet. It was warm and reminded him of happier times when he wasn’t scared or hurt all the time. 

What if he just gave in? Surrendered himself to Ren and learned to love him back. He wouldn’t hurt him, if he behaved and stopped refusing everything Ren had done to make his life better. All this mess was his own fault, really. If he had just done what Ren wanted from the beginning, none of this would have happened. 

They could have been happy together. 

He was pulled from the depths of his mind so suddenly he was still gasping for breath when he realized that he was back in the real world. It took him a second to figure out that he wasn’t sitting upright any more. He could feel coarse fabric under his cheek. 

“You went too deep,” Luke said. So, Poe had fallen into his lap at some point and the fabric he was feeling was his cloak. The old man took hold of his shoulders and helped him sit up again. “I had to stop it, otherwise you could have been lost there forever.”

So, reminiscing about his past with Ren and contemplating their potential future would have sunk him completely, drowned him in happy memories. 

“Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad,” Poe mumbled.

Luke’s grip on his shoulders tightened.

“Are you having doubts?” 

“Of course not. Even I’m not that illogical,” Poe answered. What was Luke thinking?

“Logic isn’t all there is. You can’t break the connection by using your head. You need to use your heart. That’s what the Force is all about in its core.”

“What if I don’t have one,” Poe scoffed. 

“You do. It might be bruised and broken but it’s still yours, whether you want it or not.”

“I don’t know,” Poe sighed and leaned his head in his hands. “My head is telling me that I should just get over Ren, break the connection, and be done with it, but it’s hard when the connection only reminds me of the good things between us. All this time I’ve been fighting it and tried to ignore what it feels like, but now when I stopped… It felt good. It doesn’t show the torture and manipulation or any of the stuff Ren did to hurt me. I felt at peace.”

“Even if the connection doesn’t remind you of those things, they’re still there, and you remember them. They have not gone away. You have to find the resolve within yourself to break free from Ren’s control.”

“It’s hard.”

“Yet it must be done,” Luke said and squeezed Poe’s shoulders one last time before pulling away. “You want to take a break?”

“No,” Poe said, collecting himself. “Let’s try again.”

He offered his hands to Luke, who took them in his own and sent them both into the depths of Poe’s mind once again. 

Poe was engulfed by the darkness, but he barely noticed it. He closed his eyes again, knowing that they wouldn’t help him here. 

He had made progress last time. He had sunk deeper, but it was something. It was preferable to the frustration caused by nothing happening at all. He now knew that it was possible to move. He just needed to find the way up instead of down. 

But how?

It had been so easy to just sink. All he had needed to do was to enjoy the closeness the connection provided him with and let it remind him of all the good things. Forgetting the bad came easily after that. 

Luke had told him to use his heart. The exact opposite of what Poe had been trying to do ever since the Finalizer. 

Poe had been neglecting his heart, and he was afraid to let it have any control. What if it wanted to return to Ren? He would sink to the bottom with nothing but his memories, never to create new ones again. Reliving the same moments over and over until the old hurts faded away from his memory and he was left with only the love and affection Ren showed him. A painless existence.

Poe could hear his heart starting to beat faster.

He didn’t want that kind of an existence.

The certainty of the feeling astounded him.

He wanted to live. 

Even if it meant getting hurt a thousand times more, he wanted to live. 

He wanted to see all his friends, experience the joys and sorrows of life together. He wanted to see how the resistance kept fighting against the First Order. He wanted to fly.

He wanted so much and none of it Ren could give him.

The pressure lessened. One side of the darkness wasn’t quite as black as the others. 

Poe wouldn’t join Ren in the dark side. It was a miserable place, built on the exploitation of others for one’s own benefit. 

He swam towards the lighter area. Ren’s touch on his skin didn’t feel as intense any more. 

Did he even know how to live without Ren? He had taught himself to think as little as possible to prevent Ren from seeing what Poe didn’t want him to see. Thinking without censoring himself could be difficult. But he would learn.

The darkness parted. Poe could see the rippling surface of the ocean far above him. 

Ren would have no power over him once the connection was broken. The thought alone brought tears of relief to his eyes, but they mixed in with the dark salt water around him. It was all good. His tears would be the last thing Ren ever got from him. 

The surface was so close. 

He kicked furiously with his legs. His lungs were burning from the effort, but Poe didn’t care. Screw his lungs. He wanted out. 

His head breached the surface. The world above was dark as well, but it was nothing compared to the depths of the ocean. He tried drawing air to his lungs but couldn’t. They were still filled with the black water he had drowned in. He started coughing violently and watched the dark liquid find its way out of his body. 

After the coughing subsided, his throat felt raw, but it was a good hurt, knowing that it was caused by Ren’s influence exiting him. 

He wasn’t in the clear yet, but it felt good to breathe air for once. The black sky above him felt as ominous as ever, but it was the sliver of white sand in the distance that caught his eye. 

It was far away.

So very far away.

Nevertheless, there was only one thing he could do. He started swimming towards the shore.

Hours passed, or that was what it felt like. His muscles were screaming but he kept telling himself to continue, to end this once and for all. The waves tried to pull him under, but he managed to keep his head above the surface. The shore was getting closer even if his progress was slow.

Giving up would be the easy thing to do. He wouldn’t have to do anything. Just let the current pull him down to the depths again and live in the happy memories forever. 

It was tempting. His leg was cramping, and his arms felt too heavy to move. 

He could feel a wave rising behind him. It was bigger than any of the others had been. It crashed down on him, sinking him completely. 

No.

He had been so close. He couldn’t go down now. 

He fought against the current, using all the strength he had left. He wouldn’t have enough left to swim ashore, but he would worry about it later. 

He wanted his life back even if it killed him. 

The water seemed to move even more swiftly now, and Poe had lost all sense of direction again in the aftermath of the wave. He was surrounded by bubbles going in all directions, preventing him from finding the surface. He wouldn’t be able to hold his breath much longer.

This couldn’t be happening.

Poe had been ready to admit defeat, when the wave suddenly spit him out. 

To his surprise, the water was only knee-deep. 

Poe scrambled onto his hands and knees in the water and looked up. The beach was right there. He had done it. 

He tried getting his legs under him, but his limbs felt like lead. The swimming had taken its toll. After a few tries, he managed to get into an upright position and stumble to the shore. 

The first step into the warm, dry sand sent a wave of warmth travelling through his whole body.

With another step, he was completely out of the ocean. 

Poe had thought he had no strength left but he still managed to put one foot after another and gain distance from the black waves. It didn’t take long for the warmth coursing through him to evaporate the droplets still remaining on his skin.

Nothing had ever felt this sweet. He had gotten back what he had lost during the forming of the connection and he was never parting from it again. 

The dunes rose and fell beneath his feet while he walked on. The sky wasn’t as menacingly black as it had been moments before, and Poe could see it turn into almost white in the horizon. 

He must have walked far enough for the black ocean not to be visible any more.

He didn’t look back to check.


	55. Chapter 55

Finn was starting to worry. Even Rey was showing signs of unease as Poe and her master kept sitting opposite one other, seemingly unaware of the world around them. 

They had been at it for hours now. 

“Are you sure they’re alright?” Finn asked Rey for the fourth time.

“Yes. I already told you,” Rey answered but kept pacing around the pair agitated, even if she wouldn’t admit being worried. 

Finn wanted to pace too, but he had decided to sit on the ground instead to at least appear calm. Next to him, BB-8 was rocking slightly, which made the droid look nervous as well. Finn hadn’t realized that it was possible. His fingers itched to shake Poe’s shoulder to wake him up from his trance, but he knew he shouldn’t meddle. Who knew what would happen if he interrupted them?

“What if they don’t come back? If they went too deep and can’t find a way out,” Finn said, wringing his hands.

“Luke knows what he’s doing. They’re not in any danger,” Rey insisted.

“Can’t you, like, check? Just to make sure.”

Rey shook her head.

“That could interrupt whatever it is they’re doing. I’m not risking it.”

“Of course. You’re right,” Finn said and sighed deeply, looking at the ground. He liked to think that he was good at waiting, but the uncertainty was driving him mad. 

Rey strode over to him and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Look, I promise they’re just fine. I can sense that much. We’ll just have to wait, okay?”

“Okay,” Finn said and lifted his hand to squeeze the one on his shoulder. “It’s just hard, you know?”

“I know,” Rey said softly, looking up to the sky. “I know.” 

Of course she did. Finn tugged at her hand and patted the ground next to him. Rey glanced down at him, smiled, and sat down on the rocky ground.

“At least we can wait together,” Finn said, smiling back.

It took another hour before the two men in front of them started showing any signs of life. The sun had set, and the first stars had started appearing in the sky.

Luke blinked his eyes open and both Finn and Rey leaned forward, eager to hear what had transpired. Something must have happened. It wouldn’t have taken them this long otherwise. 

Finn saw the corners of Luke’s mouth lift before he shifted backwards and removed his hands from Poe’s grip.

Finn turned his gaze to Poe. His friend’s hands were shaking slightly as he lifted them up and behind his head. Finn could hardly breathe as he watched Poe’s deft fingers slowly undo the knot of the blindfold. The cloth slipped from his eyes, and Poe blinked his eyes open slowly. He looked around himself in amazement, seeing for the first time in weeks. His eyes roamed the rocky mountain and the stars above them, but when they reached Finn, they stopped.

Finn’s heart was hammering in his chest. He had forgotten what it felt like to have Poe look at him like that. 

Poe scrambled to his feet and rushed to Finn. Finn attempted to stand up as well, but Poe was too fast, and he was practically on his lap before Finn could get his feet under him. Poe squeezed him hard and Finn did his best to match the intensity of the embrace.

“You did it again,” Poe laughed into his neck. “You really did.”

“No, it was all you. I just gave you the idea. You had to figure it out all by yourself,” Finn said. He couldn’t take the credit for this one.

“Well, thanks for the nudge into the right direction anyway,” Poe said. 

“You’re welcome,” Finn said and patted Poe on the back. He had no idea what had happened during the hours that Poe had spent within the connection, but Finn was glad he had made it back in one piece. He wanted to ask Poe to tell him all about it, but he suspected that it would probably have to wait.

Poe had sagged in his lap and the arms around him didn’t squeeze him so tightly anymore. “I’m so tired,” he mumbled.

“No wonder. I’m exhausted, and I hardly did anything,” Luke said, holding his back with a painful expression on his face. “Rey, come help an old man up, I don’t think I can feel my legs.”

While Rey was helping her master back on his feet, Finn urging Poe to get up as well. No matter how tempting it felt to fall asleep right there, Poe would end up with the stiffest neck he could possibly imagine if he fell asleep in Finn’s lap now. 

Poe rose reluctantly and rubbed at his eyes once he managed to get into an upright position. He was swaying slightly, but at least he would stay awake for now. BB-8 beeped enthusiastically at him, trying to cheer him up.

“Should we leave tonight or wait until morning?” Rey asked once she had helped Luke up as well. 

“Ren is still looking for us, and the longer we stay here, the more likely he is to find us,” Luke said. He was using his apprentice’s arm as a crutch, and Finn could only imagine the ache in his knees after sitting still for so long. Luke wasn’t a young man anymore.

“With our luck, he would be on us tonight if we stayed,” Finn said. He didn’t want to risk Ren finding them now that Poe had succeeded in getting rid of him. 

Besides, Ren would be furious, there was no doubt. There was no telling what he might do now that Poe had broken the link between them. He would never be able to use the Force on Poe again, but Finn trusted that Ren had enough imagination to come up with other things he could do if he managed to capture Poe once more. 

Finn hoped it would never come to that. He would do anything to avoid it. 

But the fact still remained: Poe would never be safe as long as Ren lived.

His train of thought was interrupted when he felt Poe tug at his sleeve insistently.

“Come on. Let’s get packing so that we can leave,” he said. He looked dead tired but exited all the same.

“Right. It’s about time we go home,” Finn said smiling.

“Yeah,” Poe said, smiling as well. “It’s weird. I’ve never even seen the place before, but it still feels like I’m going home. I don’t even know where the new base is.” 

“Not to sound like a walking cliché but home is not a place.”

“It’s the people, I know.” Poe smiled again. It was a good look on him. “I can’t wait to see everyone.”

“Let’s hurry then,” Finn said and grabbed Poe’s hand instinctively until he remembered that Poe didn’t need him to guide him anymore. Finn loosened his grip, about to let him go, but Poe gripped his hand tighter. Finn felt a blush creep up his neck, but he tightened his hold again, nevertheless.

They didn’t have a lot to pack, so it didn’t take them long to move all their things to the ship.

Rey had gone ahead with BB-8 to check that the shuttle worked as it should. The motors were already humming when the rest of the group entered the ship.

“I feel like I could sleep for a week,” Poe said, yawning. 

“Agreed,” Luke said and stretched his back, which resulted in a mighty pop that seemed to echo from the walls. Finn was amazed that the old man was still standing.

“You can sleep once we’re in hyperspace,” Rey yelled from the cockpit. “I’m taking off in a second so strap yourselves in.”

The passengers found their seats, and in the matter of minutes, they were heading out of the planet’s atmosphere. It wouldn’t take long until Rey could make the jump, and Luke and Poe could go to sleep. They deserved it. Hopefully, Poe would be able to get a proper rest without nightmares now that Ren couldn’t affect his dreams anymore. 

Poe seemed to be thinking along similar lines.

“Luke… I don’t know how to thank you for all of this. You’ve given me my life back. How can I ever repay you?”

The old man grunted slightly as he looked for a more comfortable position to sit.

“Live your life to the fullest and do what you do best: protect the innocent, resist evil, do the right thing. Be the best pilot of the Resistance.”

“I can do that,” Poe nodded. The look of determination in his eyes told Finn that he couldn’t wait to get back into his fighter again.

“There’s one more thing,” Luke continued. Poe leaned forward on his seat, ready to fill any request the Jedi Master asked of him. “You can massage my back tomorrow. It seems someone has twisted my spine into a knot while I wasn’t paying attention.”


End file.
